[Telegraph] Holy shit, you guys! It happened, it finally happened! Our long, national nightmare is finally over! After a solid week of mind-numbing idiocy and hilariously poorly thought out lies, one of the great dumb stories of our time has reached its logical conclusion. Are you ready for this, folks? Get a beverage, find a comfortable seat and let the warm sunshine wash over you as we collectively revel in what we can only imagine will be the last we hear of this foolishness, at least until Chuckles over there gets cast on Big Brother UK or something. Anyway, that whole canard about falling asleep in the chair at the tattoo shop? LIES, LIES, BALD-FACED LIES.

Kimberley Vlaminck had insisted she dozed off after asking the tattooist for just three small stars – then woke in horror to find her face was covered.

[…]

Amid a frenzy of media attention, she then pledged to sue the tattoo artist, Rouslan Toumaniantz, for the £9,000 she needed for laser surgery to have them removed.

She said after the tattooing last week: “It is terrible for me. I cannot go out on to the street. I look like a freak.”

But the 18-year-old has finally confessed she did not fall asleep, that she wanted all the stars and was “fully aware” of what Mr Toumaniantz was doing.

Ms Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew: “I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious. So I said I fell asleep and the tattooist made a mistake.”

And so ends the ignominious tale of a common boob. As mentioned above, though, if history has taught us anything, she will be back, probably on a reality program, or getting punched in the face by a big foam fist on some Japanese-style game show. We can only hope.

[Edmonton Sun] Last week, we mentioned the story of Zipp’s Tattoo and Museum, the Edmonton, Alberta, tattoo shop that has been shuttered for, among other reasons, miserably failing to meet basic standards of cleanliness, evidenced by the fact that this goon was tattooing animals in the same place as humans. This is typically frowned upon. Luckily, it seems like some good might come out of this! Mike Francis, owner of Little Buddha Tattoo & Piercings, is now trying to mobilize artists and shop owners in the area to be as public and forthcoming as possible with regard to their commitment to meeting safety standards.

[Francis] started a Facebook group for local studios to post spore test results of sterilization machines, inspection dates and other sanitation information for potential clients to check out while researching studios.

Francis, who laments the lack of licensing in the industry, said he’s intended to create the group for awhile, but the recent scare at Zipp’s Tattoo & Museum was “the final straw.”

[…]

The closure has been an embarrassment to reputable studios in the city, Francis said.

“What I’m hoping (the Facebook group) is going to do is people are going to investigate their tattoo studios around the city,” he said. “I don’t care if it’s me or (another studio), at least you’ll be able to go through it and see we do a regular spore test.”

While his studio hasn’t felt any economic impact from the incident yet, clients are clearly unsettled.

“My first appointment today was at 12 p.m. and the first thing out of his mouth was, ‘You’re using clean needles, right?’” he recalled.

In the description of the group, Sterile Tattoo & Piercing Studios In and Around Edmonton, he wrote, “As a studio owner, let’s try to change what others have destroyed.”

Well hey, this is a solid idea! Now, some may feel it’s an invasion of sorts and that this sort of disclosure may lead to a situation where individuals and shops are put into a position to preemptively prove their innocence rather than defend themselves against accusations of guilt, but it’s still hard to not see these sorts of actions as promising steps toward further acceptance in the public eye. Jason McDonald, the environmental public health officer who pulled the plug on Zipp’s, has the money quote at the end of the article: “There are roughly 50 studios in the Edmonton area and they’re generally in compliance and doing a good thing. I would get a tattoo in any of the studios open today. That’s the key message: this is a safe industry.”

[His Hair Clinic] And finally, some more good news. (Though this may be old news and simply news to me. News, news. News.) Apparently, tattoos are no longer just something you wake up with on your face after falling asleep in sundry locales, but they can also do some good if used properly! Like, say, the folks at His Hair Clinic are doing—now, grown men needn’t any longer face the gross indignity of receding hairlines! As you can see, the cosmetic scientists at work here simply give you a close noggin shave, then tattoo a realistic-looking hairline, giving you the hirsute appearance you crave. On the downside, due to these facial/head tattoos, these gentlemen will never be able to get jobs again. Sad.