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my cutting experience

Before I start, I need to warn readers that I do not condone these activities for others, mostly because the medical community in general doesnt understand the psychological forces involved, and anyone who had experiences such as this one risks getting institutionalized. Additionally, I don't believe that cutting is a 'cure' for depression, so anyone suffering from these urges should seek professional help. To begin with, I have dealt with depression for years. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year, and he tried to put me on medication... which I hated to I never took it. I ... read more

i was losing myself...

I must start out by saying that I am NOT advocating the act of cutting. To me, it is not something to do "just for the fun or it". There are underlying reasons behind why people cut -it is not just done to stand out or get attention, and it is not something to be taken lightly. Now with that said, I come to my story. I wasn't always a cutter. I used to be very happy with myself, and the way things were going in my life. I was just plain HAPPY. But things changed when I started middle ... read more

crucifix suspension no.1

I remember being at work and looking through countless videos and pictures of suspension and talking to so many people about their experiences on it, I also remember the moment I decided, "I want to do that ". And on Saturday 28th July I did my first suspension, I had being leaning towards doing just a 4 point suicide suspension which most people seem to start on but then I remember seeing pictures of a crucifixion suspension on iam: volatile's page and that just tipped me over the edge, I decided I had to do it every time I looked ... read more

Bad Habits Don't Die

I can still remember the first time I cut, almost as if it had just happened yesterday. I was only 15 years old at the time, which, looking back, seems way too young for me to have started what became such a horrible and humiliating habit. I was the kind of girl that everyone expected to live out a good life. I had good parents who loved me, and who sincerely had my best interests in mind. I had good friends, I got good grades, I was a genuinely happy person. However, there was one point in my life when ... read more


"WARNING - Before you make that first cut remember: You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body, think again; it will spread when you run out of skin. "Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. ... read more

Pulling and balancing

I have been planning a suicide suspension for the last few months, to celebrate my 21st birthday (less than two months away). I cannot think of a more ideal way to mark my entry into 'adulthood': it something I've been interested in for a long while, and am doing purely for myself and because I feel ready. My piercer/tattoo artist, who also operates the Sacred Souls suspension group (yes, he's a talented man), happily agreed to suspend me. Suspensions are still very rare here in South Africa, even though tattoos and piercings are becoming increasingly popular. He was especially thrilled ... read more

Lace Me Up

I used to help Dan (social irregular) with some of his play piercing sessions, and at the least when I was around, I took pictures. But I'd never had one done on myself. After we broke up, and we'd both been stressed, I ordered us each a t-shirt and box of needles from bmeshop. Dan's because without money for his art, he needed something that makes him happy, as play piercing does, and me because I needed a release and do something I've never done. I've always liked the idea of the corset and said if I ever do permanent ... read more

Fear no more - a suspension and a newspaper article

Several months after my first suspension, I wrote this article for my alma mater's biweekly newspaper, the Mars' Hill. With a few additions (my upper word limit for the newspaper article was 700; the minimum for BME is 800), here is the article. It was an interesting series of events that led to my standing in this small and chilly garage in Astoria, Oregon. I was shaking not from the cold, but rather from nervousness. Nervous? I'd been downright terrified all day, during the six hour drive my boyfriend and I made from my house. Snatches of the Bene Gesserit ... read more

A Twelve Foot High

Recently, I have been getting more involved in suspensions, and I find that the superman suspension is my favorite. That is why at the Fourth of July Weekend BBQ hosted by A Rite of Passage; I chose to do another superman suspension. So far, I have gotten more out of this suspension, than any of my previous ones. I just got back from a week's vacation driving around New England and visiting various friends, and I show up to the BBQ at Em's house with little sleep and hundreds of miles under my belt in the past 24 hours. My ... read more

For Those Who Don't Understand

Dear those who don't understand, I guess this is hard for me, finally admitting that I have a problem. I still don't think that's what it is but everyone seems to think so. I've been having a Self-Inflicted Violence problem, or SIV for short, since I was around five years old. I never really noticed it because I never thought it was anything wrong. Until just recently I thought what I was doing was something I had just picked up a year ago but, I've never been more wrong. When I was little I use to bite my skin until ... read more

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