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My thoughts/story on ritual cutting

Ever since I can remember, I have hurt myself to watch blood. I have studied and wondered what is wrong with me for years... I remember being about five or six years old, standing in front my bathroom mirror and rubbing my fingers across the edge to cut myself. I would sob but smile at the blood, the pain was something I ended up looking past.
The summer I turned seven, I decided I would experiment with my limitations. I stopped eating, and I am really not sure how I did it, but I did not eat for three weeks. The last week of my fasting I was put in the hospital on an I.V. and all week was threatened to send me down to the near mental hospital. Eventually I gave in, and started to take in food again, and they let me home again.
Even after that, I could always find ways to feel pain. I played football with my brother just because I knew the boys would not go easy, and I would end up crying because of all the tackles and force. I'd jump off of high things and hurt myself. I'd hit my head on things. Was I crazy? Am I crazy?
At the tender age of 11 I found razors my mom had, and started doing designs in my skin, swirls and faces, words and thoughts. My father being a Dean Koontz fan (and a huge Stephen King fan, but that's random) said I should read "One Door away from Heaven" at the age of 12. I read and happened to connect with the mother who was "so crazy" rather than the poor crippled child of the mother. I started to think I was crazy, because in the book the mother would cut herself (carving designs, like swirls) making me think- whoa, I must be crazy. When I had just turned 13, I bought a manga (Japanese style comic) called "Confidential Confessions" in which talked and related stories about teen issues. The first one was about cutting. I didn't want to die... I didn't feel a connection with the book, I felt like- I just want to bleed, not die. I felt no one knew, or understood I kept my cutting on the down low so people would not think I was crazy. I cut and sliced... and found others that did it too. We all had a connection, until one decided he would kill himself. He didn't succeed (thank Buddha... Allah... whatever) but I figured he just wanted to be accepted by someone, he didn't know what I thought or felt. The other I was close with was a girl named Heather, we would cut each other and such, we'd get aroused, but we never had a sexual relationship. About 3/4 years ago someone saw a gash on my arm and told the school guidance counselor. Shit went down... they cleaned me with alcohol (which, most know that alcohol kills some good cells too and that it's not a good choice for cleaning wounds) and sent me home.
From that point on I started trying to find other ways to indulge myself instead of cutting. I gashed my body with safety pins as a young teen. I'd pierce my lip, ear, arm, whatever kids wanted me to in class. I never found it appealing, I just wanted to watch the river flow gently. Ever since I've been speaking with a psycho-therapist, and I find it pointless; I know I am not planning on suicide, I guess I keep seeing her because I love to have intellectual conversations and show her that not all our minds work the same. I think that shrinks have it set that all minds work mostly the same. I suppose they might, but some of us are more primitive, some of us more modern. But anyway...
What really bothers me now is that more and more kids are getting into "cutting" as a fashion, or something to be accepted. For example, "emo kids", listen to "Hardcore" music, wear like clothing, and hurt themselves. You know they're full of shit if they show off their cuts, and brag how much they cry. They make ritual cutters look like fools!
Some people do use cutting as a way to "Escape" or cope with pain, which, I find understandable. Whether that's the case, or you know how I feel, I don't believe people should call us insane. We are people, and some of us are Sadists and like pain. Some of us just get sexual pleasure from the blood; some just enjoy the color. Personally, I believe if you are harming others and they do not want to be harmed, yes, something should be done. But, if you hurt yourself, especially if you are not planning on suicide, it's your own choice. I'd love to hear your opinion, please don't hesitate to contact me.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 March 2006
in Ritual

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Location: Virginia

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