No longer than a minute
There are things you just know you'll never do. A suspension was one of those things I would never do. Suspensions weren't for people like me, and by that I mean fat. Suspensions hurt less for people who are skinny and I certainly didn't fit into that category. So I put the thought out of my mind, or I tried to. But it kept creeping back and I kept pushing it down; creeping back and kicking it down; creeping back and beating it down! I kept on doing this until I could push no harder, kick no harder, beat no harder and the thought of a suspension loomed constantly in the "fat" part of my mind.
There it was, the suspension, sitting there and taunting me like all the other things the fat girl couldn't do. The fat girl couldn't wear those clothes. The fat girl couldn't get that guy, she couldn't talk to those people or go to that party. Nobody liked the fat girl. The fat girl had always been my only obstacle, but I thought I'd left her back in high school. Why was I thinking about myself this way now?
Determined to leave the fat girl behind this time, I set out to bring my dream of suspension to light. I waited, I thought, and eventually the fat girl issue dissolved completely. My suspension took on two other specific dimensions. If I could suspend this lifestyle- this belief system I had developed- was true, was mine, was right. When my feet left the ground, I would be firmly rooted in my modified lifestyle, one that had already brought me so much. In making my choice I would also decide what to do about my current relationship. The only thing that was left was to set a day, but setting a day really didn't happen. A suspension was always at my fingertips and when the day came I knew it.
I had forgotten about the fat girl who told me I couldn't do it in the first place. She had gone back into the shadows. I was going to do something her doubt would have never allowed me to. It was over and I had won. But as the door closed to allow room for the solemnity of the moment, she squeezed her fat body back into my mind thanks to one of the three people I had allowed to share the moment with me. I had hoped for a quiet hook setting, one last moment during the euphoria created by the adrinaline released when those eight gauge holes opened up, but it was not to be so. The conversation in the room had turned to the politics of the piercing industry and then to how nice another girls ass was which was the cue for the fat girl to step forward in all her doubting glory. No one was ever going to think of me like that and even in a moment that meant so much to me, that girl with the nice ass was getting priority. On came that familiar pain, the pain of being fat and ugly, a nd even though I didn't realize why at the time, my eyes began to water. I was fat and ugly again, fat and ugly in a world that had always excepted me. I lost it. I lost the core that I had cultivated, the place I could go where I was more than the pain, more than the person hanging there, the place where I was just more.
But I wasn't going to quit, I was going to have my answers. After all, Alva was there, right in front of me. He knew I could do it, or he would have never let me get that far. They brought me to tension. It was almost more than I could stand and I wasn't even off the ground! And then I was. I was off the ground, holding on to Alva and he was the only person in the world. When I let him go, I could see the other people there, but they didn't matter. I was soul searching, looking only inward. It took no longer than a minute, but it seemed like an eternity. It hurt so bad and I already had my answers. I wanted down and they let me down. I had done it, but I wasn't satisfied. I went back up and it hurt more that the first time. I went right back down. I was my lifestyle now and knew what to do about my relationship.
In a way, I had accomplished my goal, succeeded in my right of passage. However, in a way much more subtle and unknown at the time, I had failed. Because I couldn't stay up very long, I felt more the fat girl than ever. I couldn't win. I couldn't over come that. How could I expect a minute to make up for a lifetime of being the fat girl?
My suspension was a success and a failure at the same time. I know nothing has all the answers and not every truth is positive. There is no quick fix and I've still got demons to conquer some other way. I'm not let down by my suspension- it taught me well. Now I've got some direction and a more focused goal. Next time, I'm sure, will be different.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 31 Jan. 2002