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My M Cutting Experience

I know, I know. All of you are probably thinking "what the hell is he doing, carving a letter into his flesh? It's probably the name of some girl he likes or something. God I hope she dumps him so he can realize the stupidity of what he has just done to himself. See, I knew it right? Well, you guys were right about one thing. It is a letter that belongs to someone of the opposite sex that I am very attracted to. Not only am I attracted to her physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I don't just like this girl. I love her like no other. I know you're all thinking "what the hell does he know about love, he's 15 years old and he's probably some self-proclaimed 'problem child'", well, you're wrong. This girl and I have been in deep love just about a year after we met. We've never had a fight, always had each other's back, and she's saved my ass more times then she will ever know. I've done the same for her. We've done every friendship, love, and trust ritual you can possibly imagine. Everything from juvenile spit shakes to deep rituals like blood bonds (but that's for another experience). We have never regretted any of them and show our scars proudly. Recently this girl was in the hospital for about a week, for a reason unknown by me. It's my nature to get worried very easily. I carved an M into something where ever I went, with whatever I could find. Then I glared at the little "K" scar on my thumb (see "A Word about Self Cutting").

Then I thought of it. Put her initial in me. To be with me forever, no matter what the outcome of whatever reason she was in the hospital for. I remembered what a dumbass idea it was to put my "K" where it could not be hidden at all. So I thought of where I can put it, and how large the "M" would be. I figured that I would put the "M" on my left palm, right near the scars from our blood bond. Then I thought of how I can hide it from my parents. They had already knew I cut that "K" into myself, so any new cuts that looked to be in a pattern, or any that seemed to resemble any shapes, would have to be hidden. I put the "M" on a spot on my palm where it could be covered by a shit or jacket with thumb holes (I have lots of those). Now, I had to find something to do the cutting with. I had learned from my "K" cutting experience never again to use a shattered piece of hard drive from a broken MP3 player. I found a razor blade in my garage earlier that day, so I decided to use that. I opened up a composition notebook and made a few practice cuts. I had to make sure I didn't cut through more than two pages, since that would be "too deep" (by my rules anyway). While I was doing this I realized that when you make curved lines, make the cuts down not up. I found for some reason if you go up, the cuts will be a lot shallower and won't become scars.

I took the razor blade and gently made an outline of the "M". I did it so gently that there were no cuts; I just peeled away at the very most top layer of skin. I saw the "M". It was in my flesh now. Now all that was left was to make it permanent. To make this "M" part of me forever, just like my friendship with this girl. I pushed the razor on my palm and dragged downward. There was no pain. I saw the pink of my flesh turn to dark red, and finally blood beaded up to the surface. As I wiped it away, I noticed it was slightly too short. I put one end of the razor on the edge of the cut, and another end on my bare flesh. I dragged down some more. This one stung a little, since I was cutting part of a cut. Then I made the first curved cut. This one hurt. It probably hurt because this was on the edge of my palm, near the web between my thumb and index finger. It made me tighten my eyes shut, and I gritted my teeth really hard. And alas, this one was too short as well. Damn! Now I had to endure that pain again?! I did the same thing as I did with the first cut and I nearly winced out in pain. I cleaned up the blood and did the second slanted cut. This one didn't hurt as much but it still hurt very, very badly. Now the "M" was nearly complete. As of that moment, it looked like this: |\/. The last cut was the best part. It felt really good. I don't know why. I don't know if it was because of the natural endorphin rush, or if it was because of the fact that the two curved cuts hurt so much that this "pain" actually felt relieving. The cut now was complete. The full letter "M" was now carved in my flesh for life. I stared at it for what felt like forever, admiring it. Knowing that I marked myself, knowing that I can actually tell what it is, and not have it look like my "K". I wiped off the excess blood, headed into the bathroom, applied some toilet paper to it, and then headed into the kitchen. I took some salt and poured it into the cut and scrubbed it. I nearly yelped out in pain. After letting the salt sit in the cut for about 3 minutes, I rushed to the bathroom again and I washed it out with some soft soap.

It's been 3 days since I've done it and I am extremely proud of it. However, this was a self inflicted cut and it was very foolish of me to do such a thing without any previous experience (except for my "K"), sterilized tools, and proper cleaning tools. I'm all for the Do-It-Yourself crowd out there, but I don't condone or recommend it in any way shape or form. My little "M" could've become infected and still can. So, I leave you with this: If you are under legal age to get something like this done professionally, and you are considering doing it yourself, then at least take the time to be very, very careful about it. Do it right or pay the price. Don't do something because someone else wants you to, do something because you want it done. Thank you for taking the time to read this.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Dec. 2006
in Scarification

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Artist: Self+Done
Studio: My+Bedroom%2FBathroom
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