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My Rabbit Hole

 As I sit here, I am looking at pictures of myself when I was younger. Blond, anorexic, and strung out on drugs. I was a weak minded, ignorant, and sheltered individual. From what people have told me, and from my own insight, I can see that I have changed drastically from then.  I wonder, when exactly did I begin this journey down this never ending rabbit hole of pain and limits? When did I truly turn around my whole life in order to find myself? Oh, I remember now, my journey all started with and Exacto knife... turmoil and a desire to be better than who I was.  

At the age of sixteen I went into drug Rehab for Crystal Methamphetamine. At the time my mind was broken, I didn't know who I was without the drugs, Life had ceased to have meaning for me. One night in a crazed turmoil based on self defeat, I picked up an exacto knife. I had made the decision that the life of drugs held no future for me... that I wanted to change. I no longer wanted to be ruled by my vices, I wanted to be strong. I hurt so badly, it hurt to think, it hurt to breath, it just hurt to live. I stayed up the whole night thinking about virtues that people had that I admired, and I summed it all down to one thing- strength. I wanted to be strong, no longer this quivering mass of weakness. I drew out a symbol, which to my mind held strength for me... the Ankh. It symbolizes eternity. To someone who at the time merely wanted to fade into nothingness and exist no more, eternity meant strength to me. The thought that... this to will pass.  

I drew the ankh out on my calf... as someone who used to run, my calf was also a thing of strength for me. I grabbed up my exacto knife and cut. The pain was so beautiful... the blood was like a representation of everything I hated about myself flowing from my body. I stayed up most of the night etching that ankh into my leg, making sure I got the lines just perfect, trying to keep the blood off my bed sheets. I remember I had Type O Negative blaring in the background, the music mixed with the pain I was feeling... and everything just seemed to go away. My tears burned in my eyes, my whole body was shaking with the inner pain I felt, and yet I kept that exacto blade steady.  In my minds eye, its like that night a change came over me, and I sealed it with a mark.  To me that ankh represented a passage, a change from one season in my life to another. Everyday when I look at it I think about strength... my final goal.  

I redid that ankh every 2 weeks for 2 years. Whenever I felt weak, I would grab up my exacto knife and cut that ankh into my skin, proving to myself that I am strong. Later, I found out that there is an art form known as Scarification... 

Since that night so many years ago, I have traveled deeper down that rabbit hole than I ever would have guessed. I've been pierced, I've pierced myself countless times, but my interest in body modification and my search for strength would never have happened without that ankh and the sense of closure it has brought for me. To me it has marked an end in a chapter of my life and a beginning of a new one. All my modifications hold that significance for me. They have all come in a time in my life when I was transitioning from one point in life to another. A psychiatrist would probably say that I have an unhealthy relationship with body modification, but I feel otherwise.  

Body modification has brought me an inner peace I would never have gained other wise. It has helped me to move on in my life countless of times, and it is that one thing I know I can always resort to if I feel a need for change. I would never have gained the experiences I have, or even be the person that I am today without it.  

I don't really recommend doing scarification on yourself, because there are too many complications that can happen. It worked for me, but that doesn't mean that it will work for everyone. We all live in different situations, and just because I feel that self scarification made me stronger, and helped my situation doesn't mean that it will help everyone's. So please, if you are curious about scarification, or want any work done on you, see a professional, they are trained to do it. I would feel really badly if someone read my story and then did self scarification and really messed themselves up.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 11 Feb. 2005
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: Bedroom
Location: Sacramento

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