good at the time
This is my experience of me cutting myself earlier this year, after some problems with work, school, my girlfriend, life in general. I have since moved on from those bad times and am finding happiness and solace in many things I didn't see back then (sounds stupid seeing it was like half a year ago). I am happy and look at my actions with a frown, yet I wouldn't change a thing, I did what I did and can't change that, I do some times regret what I did yet see it as part of me forming my self and my future.
It wasn't the first time I had cut myself...I had done some stupid little ones on my hands before...I liked watching the blood flow. I had always been against people hurting themselves, my best friend did it then my girlfriend and both times I got really cut up about it, so therefore it made it even worse when I did it and they both found out.
So when life was treating me like shit, what did I do? I cut myself, just to see what it would be like. That was the first time, nothing major, just a few scratches that have all healed. The second time my girlfriend and I had been having problems, I love her with everything and it was just not working out, so rather then taking it out on her, I took my pain out on myself.
I took a razor blade and made about 10 cuts (2 were pretty deep) on the inside of my left arm, all pretty close to one another. It didn't hurt and it actually felt good, like the pain was being released. The blood came out fairly quickly and I got a kind of rush watching it. I had to take a sock and tie it round my arm to stop the bleeding. I couldn't make any noise as my family was asleep, so I tied it as tight as possible and tried to sleep. So many emotions were running through my head, I was so confused- hurt, lost, and frustrated. At the time I thought it was the best way to deal with the pain, it is only now when I realize how dumb I was to do this that I see how wrong I was. The cuts formed scabs after a while which I picked off, I had no idea how to properly let a cut heal, and I think I may of worsened the scarring by doing something to it. I tried various ways of covering the up, but lately it hasn't bothered me, my mindset is like if anyone see's it ill tell them what happened.
I still have marks today, and can't wait for them to go away, (as I would like to get tattooed in that region one day) I hated hiding them. My girlfriend found out not long after I did it, and I saw how bad it hurt her...she cried for hours, telling me how stupid I was, it really got to me...I thought what I did would be ok, it was just a pain release, as it turned out it affected more then just me and my left arm.
That's what this story is about, not about how great it was...but how it affected the people around me and also myself, I read stories on bme about how people cut themselves and love it, im not saying they are wrong, but im sure people do care and if they knew what was happening they would be really upset, like my girlfriend was, since then I haven't touched myself, I have been tempted but I haven't followed through with the action.
So in summing up. I don't regret my actions but wish I had considered all those people around me's feelings before I cut myself....many people do not regret their cutting experiences, and I respect that totally, but in my personal experience, it was more than my arm that hurt, it was me when I saw how upset my beautiful girlfriend was when she found out what happened.
I love my girlfriend and if you are reading this baby im sorry for hurting you but I feel I needed to do this at the time, I am so sorry for hurting you and never had any such intentions.
On that note I advise anyone who also has someone close to them to consider their loved ones when cutting or self harming, because it never affects just the one person.....it affects several more, I have the marks to prove this to me, and hopefully anyone who is reading this and has cuts on their arm will look at them and think about the loved one/s that are thinking of them and would be hurt as much as the cutting hurt yourself.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 10 Jan. 2005