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My star

Up until a few months ago, I used to take out my frustration on my body, and I pay the price these days by having red marks all over my arms and legs. After certain events, I felt that these obsessive urges to cut myself had gone, although the fascination was still VERY much there. I had always planned on getting a star tattooed onto my calf, but felt that at this point in time, a scar would be more then perfect.

I was scared at what others would think of it at first, As I had already acquired the reputation of being a "weirdo", and if people saw this on my leg, then this would only enhance their image of me. I guess it was that which caused me to be certain that I wanted the star. I needed something that proved I knew who I was, and what I wanted. In the end, other people opinions and impressions came second to what I wanted.

I made sure that I had all of the right equipment, although I could not get hold of a scalpel, so I retrieved a razor that I had used previously, sterilizing it of corse. The end of the razor was quite sharp, but I wanted to make sure that it would cut through the skin where I wanted the star to go, so I made a little slit to test it out. It ran through with ease, so everything went ahead. I drew the outline of the star on my right calf in eyeliner, trying to get it perfect so as to not stuff it up like I did on my left leg. After I was satisfied that I could not get the star to look anymore perfect, I grabbed for my razor, and pressed down on my skin.

I cut into the skin three times for every line, just to make sure that they were all perfect. I was not in much pain as the adrenaline was enough to keep me going. The stinging was quite severe, but I managed to push through it. I made sure that I was careful, that I did not go "outside of the lines" as I wanted everything to be perfect. My concentration allowed for this. It got harder and harder to see the black eyeliner on my leg, due to the blood trickling down but I knew more or less when the lines had to go, well, I hoped that I had some idea. I managed to get through each line perfectly, everything looked straight and perfect..

I bled a lot more then I expected, but after I had gone over each of the 10 lines, I held a towel to my leg until the bleeding stopped. I just gazed down at my leg, totally elated . I was in love with what I saw. Not only was I ecstatic that it actually looked like a star, and not something that some random has just scratched onto my leg, but I was really pleased with the fact that I was using my fascination for something productive for a change.

I repeated this procedure for around 2 weeks. Every night I would come home, lay out my equipment, and proceed to cut the star. Every time I would make sure that each line was roughly the same length, and each time, the cutting was perfect. After about a week of healing, I re-traced the star, just to make sure that it would leave a "healthy" scar. Persistence paid off in the end.

About a month after I finished it, I could not be happier. The star looks great! I made sure that the lines were quite thick, which they are. The scar has almost fully healed, leaving a red mark, which looks awesome on my semi-tanned skin. I'm thinking about adding to it, but for now, I'm really pleased with the results.

Every now and then, I trace over the lines, just to make sure that it will still be there in a month or so, even though I know that it will. I have even started re-doing the one on my left leg, and this time, I'm making sure that all the lines are drawn on before hand, something that I would recommend to anyone that's considering anything simular!

Since then I have another star on my ankle, a cross just above my wrist, plan to get a star cut onto the back of my neck as well as several piercings.. But all in good time.

I now look at my star as a symbol of how far I have come, in terms of cutting, and being able to control it.

I would recommend cutting as a method of scarification to anyone that's considering it. If done well, the results are amazing.The only thing that I would suggest would be to go to a professional for advice. They would know more about the proper methods then I would.


submitted by: poetryindespair
on: 07 Sept. 2004
in Scarification

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