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imperfect tear perfect heart

I would have to say that the start of my experience started about 6 years ago. I was the tender age of 10 and I became a cutter. Well I had always disliked myself and it seemed to me to be the best way to release all of my emotions. Well over the next 6 years the self injury waxed and waned. Sometimes I could stop for a few months but I would eventually have something happen that would drive to cut again.

Over the past few months I have been trying like crazy to get my life in order. I am trying to battle with friends, work and finding out what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life among other things. Well I was just feeling greatly greatly overwhelmed. I wanted to cut. I couldn't take it anymore. So with a razor I carved a large X over my left hip. It felt amazing but at the same time I felt an over whelming sadness because I had been cut free for a month or so. Well I covered it up, it bleed a great deal, and went to work hiding the pain every time the cash register hit my cut.

Well the next day I really wanted to hangout with my boyfriend but he just didn't want to. Well I was upset for no more reasoning other than I was just feeling overwhelmed by all the things going on in my life. Also the fact that the only little time that I had my boyfriend didn't want to even spend it with me. Well I grabbed my razor and carved another x, this time much much smaller into my wrist. After the blood stopped I called my boyfriend and told him that I relapsed. He was very concerned and listened to me talk for a while. He told me that he just didn't feel like doing anything that day and that he loves me and not to worry. Then when I hung up the phone I just burst into tears. I hadn't cried in a very long time and it felt really good.

Well fast forward about two weeks. I had been looking at some of the scarification on bme and just loved how they all looked. I started to think about doing one but then with my history of me being a cutter I didn't think that it would be a good idea. But I started reading the stories, and I realized that you don't have to be extremely sad and depressed to cut yourself. I realized that is it also viewed as a body modification.

I began thinking of how when I carved the X on my hip that what I was really trying to do was stop all the craziness in my life. Not punish myself for being me.

I was in my room and was cleaning my piercings and also my cuts. (I wanted them to scar so I was picking at them.) I got a little pang of sadness and grabbed a razor and started cutting over the healing X.

I then started to think about all the things that had happened to me over the summer. And how lucky that I am, even though I did have some not so good times that I am stronger because of them and I should be proud of how far I've come.

That's when I stopped and cleaned it up. But I still wasn't satisfied, I wanted something else. I wanted something to symbolize what I have been through and how far I have come. Out of habit I began to cut a start on my upper thigh really close to my right hip. I traced it again a few times and then cleaned up the blood. It wasn't what I wanted.

I sat back in my chair and let my mind go blank for a second. I had an atreyu cd in and the lyrics popped out at me " I feel it welling up inside and Robert Smith lied, Boys do cry and with blood tears in my eyes I'm an Anne Rice novel come to life." the lyrics went through my head as I saw a perfect droplet of blood trickle down my thigh. Ah the imperfect tear. That is what I would put on me.

So under the already bleeding star I began my two hour journey of the imperfect tear. Over the next hour and a half I cut away at my flesh. I made a tear about the size of two quarters smashed together. I liked it. I took a little break and put my feet up on my bed. From the steady flow of blood a perfect heart shape was made. The blood went from the bottom of the tear to the top point to form the perfect heart.

At that point I knew that it was just what I needed to have to make me feel whole. The tear that was engraved on my thigh wasn't perfect, but it didn't have to be because I know that I'm not perfect and I won't ever be. But I can make perfect things like the heart.

I cleaned up my wounds and covered the bleeding tear. And once again off to work I went. This time I didn't mind when something smashed into my fresh cut. I knew that once it healed I would have a beautiful scar, one that would remind me of my strength and not my weakness.

What I did here wasn't as safe as if should have been. I sterilized what I had to the best of my ability but it could still lead to infection. I will be keeping a very very close eye on it and taking the best care of it. If you should want to do something like this I suggest having a good motive. It will make all the difference. Good luck and have a good day.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 01 Sept. 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+room
Location: pittsburgh+PA

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