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Discovering The True Nature Of Cutting

"Dog".

That word might not mean anything to you, but to me it brings back horrid memories of being bullied at school. Because I was mainly a victim of verbal bullying (the physical stuff came later) talking to my friends didn't help at all. At that time, nobody took verbal bullying seriously. So everyday I wrote my emotions down in my diary. Everything they said, how low they made me feel. It didn't help. It just disturbed me more about how bad the situation really was.By this stage I had already began hitting myself, which I noticed helped me feel better immensely.

But my pain relief came from cutting. It just seemed to happen naturally. Once more I had come home from school, locked myself in my tiny bedroom and lay on the floor. Only this time I had a blunt penknife in my hand.

In tears I took the knife and began stroking it over my upper thighs. I chose this area because no one would see the results. It seemed to take ages to actually penetrate my skin. I can remember feeling the burning sensation I got before it cut. When the skin finally broke, my depression materialized into the trickling of blood. It was beautiful. It was the ultimate release.

I knew this kind of cutting was wrong but it continued for the rest of the year. I cut names into both my arms. Making sure I always wore long sleeved tops to conceal them.

At the end of the school term, my bullies took it to a step so far; I knew I had to tell someone. They set my hair and my skirt on fire. Petrified of what just happened, I broke down at the teachers' staff room door.

My bullies were given (in my opinion) unjustified punishment. After a week of detention, they were back and telling everyone how I exaggerated and made most of it up. I was broken into pieces. But this time I didn't turn to cutting I told my mum and she helped me get through it. I just wondered why I didn't turn to her in the first place.

When school ended I was happy, even though one of my bullies had the nerve to say sorry. An apology I did not accept. It was too late for that.

Over the summer weeks I had time to evaluate my actions. I felt guilty about cutting but it did make me realize how bad I felt about myself. I knew it was time to start thinking positively and leave the weak me behind. This is when my recovering self-injuries became my recovered self-art and I saw the true potential of cutting. What it really is all about.

I don't care what anyone says because there are always going to be people who understand and people who are simply ignorant. But cutting is an art form in its own right.

I decided that for getting quite good results in my exams (despite the fact I ran out of one because of the bullying) I would celebrate but cutting a star in my left shoulder. Not very original but it's what I wanted.

For the first time I prepared my self with a warm wet cloth to wipe the area clean and marked the spot with a black pen as best I could, the size and shape of the star. I used a very sharp steak knife to cut the shape. It was very difficult for me to keep my hand steady whilst I cut the shape. I spent a LOT of time over the process. I wanted it to be perfect. And the end result was not bad for a first go at self-inflicted art. I would love to get the area tattooed with a star now, as it didn't scar very well.

I want to end this by saying this is the first time I have spoken about cutting to anyone. It is a complex subject. I want cutters out there not to be deterred from modifying their bodies through cutting just because a bunch of people out there think it's not art, just self-harm. And that, "these people need real help". There is a difference. If you are cutting for the release of built up emotions. Stop. You'll find the least likely people to be very helpful.

I helped myself and realised I was cutting myself for the wrong reasons. I don't cut now because I have a low self-esteem. And if I ever feel low again, I will not turn to cutting for the answer.

I enjoy seeing the body being adorned with scars on other people as well as myself.

For some people art is a fine painting on the wall or graffiti on a building. Cutting is what art means to me.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Aug. 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: At+home
Location: UK

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