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The youngest cutter

I know that my title is a little generalized but hey. Like the start of a lot of these experiences I will simply state I'm sixteen years old and I am a cutter. Unlike most cutters though I don't remember my first cutting experience. I really don't. I remember cutting at thirteen. I know I cut before that but I don't know when it started it just comes natural.

Before I start I do want to explain a couple things about who I am now. I am now proud to be a cutter. I am also a self-converted Buddhist who takes religion as such a personal journey that I follow many different types of religions in one. Basically my own version of the modern primitive. I believe that seeing there is no perfection, to find the perfect state of mind one most find imperfections and embrace them for they are you and if you are true to your karma, your perfect. No God can tell you different. The one thing most other Buddhist don't like about me is that I don't believe in any of the deity's. Just the fact that karma exists

Anyway, this experience started in the sixth grade. I went to a violent school and most of the time it felt like I was the only kid who didn't know how to fight. It never had been an option. Suddenly everyone and I got beat up. I would come home and look at the bruised flesh and thinking of the time my mother would use it as a conversation piece as if the bruises were battle scars. After all the times told to just stand up for myself. I would look at the bruises and cut them. I hated them they signified all that I hated in me. To stop the punishment instead of escaping into my head I did the opposite. I got louder. I got a sense of humor. I learned to please the masses. I faked everything. The only thing I had real anymore was Rock and my secret obsession with my skin. The way that it felt. Physical emotions had replaced mental. All that I had was what I felt.

I then graduated junior high and went to high school. I lost all the weight, I lost the glasses, and I'm told I actually look good. I went to a non-violent school on the other side of town. And my life is looking up. But i still felt fake.

Then I found this website. BME changed everything I now longer felt like a freak for cutting. It was no longer something that my mom put me in a phyc ward for. It was art. It was a sign of identity. I was finally real I had meaning. Although I'm a Buddhist which tells me everything is impermanent, BME is constant. It is my haven. I had identity.

With this new found identity I did what I think was appropriate. My first 'work of art.' Out of my new love for modern primitive, I did it very ritualistically. I first mediated which was hard to have my mind stand still now that I had so many ideas for my new addition to scars. I cleared my mind and only one word came in through the haze of mediation. A word that I felt symbolized how I had lived for so long. I then got out of mediation and went to my bathroom. I got tissues and lost my knife. So because I needed this to be special anyway I got my old incense holder and broke the tip. the holder had been given to me by the one who introduced Buddhism to me. It was very important to me and I see it as the scar will last longer than the holder(and it's still pretty much intact) I washed my hands, my station, and my shard. And started. I used the easiest spot that I could get to with both hand. My upper knee was the chosen spot. I dragged the shard across the warm flesh and the life-restoring blood came out. I wrote my word. I went over it several times. Having cut for a long time it came very easy to me. Then I was finished. I cleaned up and I feel that I did the best I could have done. The D is a little off but so is the world.

I still have the word in my knee and it's my first body modification. I'll be getting more but my mother feels I'm still to young. I don't want my life to be completely engulfed by this but I do think I'll be getting a facial tattoo. A body mod is no longer the only thing that makes up what I am but it certainly will always be a part of me. the word HIDDEN will always be and me for it is how if felt for far to long.

Also I have cut for years now please do not do harm to ones self if you truly don't want to. I found embrace in it but like anything not everything is right for everybody. Please think about it.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 Aug. 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+world
Location: where+i+live

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