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A mark in the flesh, like a mark in my soul.

Well to start, I have to say I'm defiantly NOT a cutter... now like every story there's a beginning a middle and an end. My beginning starts about 8 months ago. My girlfriend and I had finally renounced for the last time, ending a long drawn-out break up, which lasted two years. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I'm not a "feeling sorry for myself" kind of guy. I often don't have time to worry about the bad things I move on very easily. This time I couldn't.

As I move on to the middle of the story Ill point out that by this time I had dropped out of school and spent the tuition money on many things detrimental to my body and mind, lost my job for not showing up, spent the last month in my apartment sleeping 15 hours a day and watching TV, and lost ALL contact with my former friends and family. While watching TV one morning, I picked up a piece of coat-hanger which was on the coffee table and proceeded to draw a star on my left elbow. I never intended to leave a scar and to tell you the truth I never even intended to cut myself. The next day as I was showering I felt a pain on my elbow. As I looked I saw a very vivid star stamped into my flesh. This is the exact moment I realized what my next project has to be. Later that same week I picked up the now, rusty coat-hanger and freehanded a large star on my left hand just behind my thumb. Now this is the part of my experience where I would tell you the consequences of carving my flesh with a rusty and sharp coat-hanger but I'm not going to. Please use your head if and when you cut. Infection is not fun. Luckily I don't know what gangrene is like.

I had cut, actually more like gouged, the star and later added flames that now reached up my hand and wrist. I wanted it to seem like the star was shooting down my hand. When I saw the blood, for the first time, it made something inside me twitch. Now as I stated before I was defiantly wasn't a cutter. I never understood the therapeutic release of cutting. I also thought my girlfriend, who was one, was "troubled". The second I saw that mark I created in my body I understood completely. I knew right then how every person who cut for release, purity, and most of all help, felt. In that instant I went from ignorant and narrow to enlightened, and understanding. In some moment or instant I realized exactly what it meant to be alive. If I was bleeding I couldn't be dead right. In the months to come the infection and the dishwater at the restaurant I was re-employed at, made sure the cut was agitated. My bosses at work, who were already noticably upset with me, were unimpressed my my cutting. I wasn't allowed to work out front anymore. I absolutly loved my new mark. my family however, did not. At christmas I went home for the family dinner. My devout christian aunt was utterly and fully horrified at my "self mutilation". My dad , as with every other mod, just shook his head and asked "why would you do that to yourself".Although it was agitated and deep to say the least, the cut did not keloid. It's a dark, vivid scar but not raised.

Now people reading this, now I know this sounds a lot like a fairy tale, like I've found the magic answer to depression. Just cut a pretty design into your skin and watch what good comes of it. I assure you that is not the case. Like I have stated numerous times I am not a cutter. This is exactly what it is, my experience with cutting. Although the reasons I had to cut were different from the norm, I have still experienced the release cutting gives. I tell people now about my experience and they don't understand. I explain the release, the high, and the enlightenment I received. People often respond like I once would have, Ignorant and sometimes rude. I can't say that one cutting on my body fixed my life completely. I can say however that it sure helped. Maybe in the end I am a cutter but I feel I am not. After reading this, it is your decision. I have since apologized to my ex-girlfriend for being ignorant all that time. All I have to say in closing is be open. Look further into things you don't understand. Sometimes you can be surprised about the information you can find.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 14 Aug. 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: me
Studio: my+basment+appartment
Location: Belleville+ON

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