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Pretty Scars

I'm Kitty, 15 years old, not quite average, you might say. I consider myself an individual, as I seem to think in a different way to my peers, I seem to have different values to them (loyalty over self-preservation for example). I've always been attracted to the "alternative" side of society. The people who don't quite fit in. Like me. I've never quite fit in, jumping back and forth between the "punk" and "goth" and just plain "misunderstood outcasts" of my area and school... Anyways, back to the subject of body modification... I don't have many piercings, as my mother won't let me get any more than I have, which are three in each earlobe (heh, wait till I'm sixteen - the legal age here for piercings without parental consent). I've always been interested in body modification. It's a way to make yourself more unique, in my opinion. It also shows a sort of dedication to the work of it, because of the pain (but then, I've never been bothered much by pain). There you go. There's my little intro.

I've been a "cutter" for three years. By the way, I have clinical depression, still in the process of diagnosis, might also have bi-polar or borderline disorder. But that's irrelevant. The scarring: At first it was just the usual relief of emotional pain thing, but eventually the purpose was to decorate my body with certain symbols important to me, or things I just thought looked pretty. I've lost a lot of friends because of all of this, a lot of messy break-ups with "OMG, w3'Re liek, b35T fRiEnDs 4-3vA!" types, and a lot of people I know and still have to talk to think I'm some sort of psycho weirdo, but then they're just "normal" people who don't understand. Yeah, the usual teenage whine of "you don't understand". Whoop-dee-doo.

For my "art", I used anything I could find, as a lot of "cutters"/"self-injurers" do, but I was always careful where I did it, how deep it was, making sure my little pieces of art as I called them would stay there. My latest "weapon of choice" is a craft knife cleaned with alcohol. Not safe and sterile, I know, but I've never had any problems. I've also used safety pins, razors, blades from pencil sharpeners, needles, basically anything sharp. All cleaned, of course. I may be stupid, but I'm not that dumb.

I have rows of lines, stars, hearts, words (most written when I was depressed, feeling down, such as "FAILURE" and "NOTHING")... Mostly just lines, though, to keep enquiring parents, teachers etc. away from me (I got suspended from school once for doing it there, and "damaging other students" because they saw my blood. Christ, we all have blood, big deal, man). They're mostly on my forearms (less pain, so I can cut deeper), thighs, ankles, and a few on my hips.

I don't do much to clean it, just leave it to my body (it scars easily). If I cut too deep and it comes apart, threatening to leave an uneven scar, I'll tape it up so it's even with the rest of whatever I've been doing. I've never had an infection, though in summer I do get a lot of stares from people thinking I'm weird, but they can go screw themselves for all I care. I'm sick of caring about what other people think of me and the way I dress and choose to decorate my body.

My scars are special to me, most of them tell a story from some stage in my life, or some conflict, or whatever it might have been. Some people think they're ugly, to me they're symbols. Well, something like that anyway. I'm not quite sure what to call them. Some of them are reminders of a bad time, some are reminders of a good time, some are just there because I felt compelled to cut. A bit of an addiction, you might call it.

Scarring myself is just the first step to expressing who I really am. I plan to get piercings, tattoos (only of things extremely important to me, such as dragons and cats, perhaps the word "unique" or something similar... I have three years to think about it - legal age over here for tatts is 18). For some reason, it seems more personal and intimate doing the scarring on myself, not having someone do it for me. Maybe I'm just ranting emotionally, I don't know, I'll leave it up to the reader.

So... There's my little "experience". Short, I know, but oh well. Just the ranting of a strange teenager, who doesn't know how to explain things properly. I apologise for the way this was written, it kind of goes back and forth, and is not a very good account in general. What I've done and am doing is not a good idea in general, though a lot of kids my age and other ages do it. So basically: NOT a good idea to do.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 29 July 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: My+Bedroom
Location: LOL%2C+my+flat

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