• 41,354 / 1,384,406
  • 22 / 10,289
  • 891 / 54,915

Fear

I have been cutting for about 4 months. All of which resulted from the constant 'fat' jokes, 'perfectness' referalls, and prolonged issues with school. I tried piercing as a way to rid myself of such negative feelings. But, my school made me take them out. That is when a friend of mine told me about her cutting. I decided that there is nothing the school can do about this.. they will never know. My arms would be too obvious. I chose my right leg. It has scars that show that I got rid of some of the pain, but it was never enough to completely subside the pain.

I became interested in scarification about one month ago. I stumbled upon BME, and looked at as many pictures as I could of scarification. I decided than I wanted something done. But, I am not of legal age to get a professional to do it. So, I had to settle for the next best thing... myself.

I was sitting in my room watching Southpark: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. I was the only person in my house awake. I began thinking about scarification. I opened my bureau and got my razor blade and a safety pin. I was contemplating on what to do. It was between lyrics from "Do not fear the reaper" by H.I.M and lyrics from "Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. Since I am an amatuer, I decided on the word FEAR. It represents how I feel, and how people feel about me. It was perfect for a first-time.

I went into the bathroom and got some cotton-balls and tissue. I sat back down on my bed and pulled up my right pant leg. I picked the location of below my kneecap and to the right a tad bit. The safety pin did nothing, so I went to the razor blade. I went away scratching and tearing at my skin with the tip of the blade. The 'F' was the first step to a lifelong memorial of my fear. I finished the 'F' and worked on the 'E'. The first two letters were a breeze. No pain, no suffering, just what I always dreamed of. I made sure the 'A' was the deepest, and the letter that took the longest. The 'R' came out a little screwy and sloppy, but it doesn't matter. It still means something. My FEAR was complete, I was happy.

I wiped the blood off and blotted it. As soon as the bleeding subsided, I went into the bathroom and washed up. The feeling still remained. The feeling of happiness, peace, and tranquility was finally reached all at one single moment. I never knew it was so easy to feel this great. I decided to keep the tissues and cottonballs because they contained the suffering, taunting, and humility I had been subjected to during my life, in a solid form.

Nothing could get to me now. Not pain, suffering, humility, taunting, not anything.. I was invincible. It was an unnatural high that only comes from this once-in-a-lifetime experience. A single teardrop of happiness trickled down my face. At last, I feel whole again. Certain feelings that had been lacked for so many months, were suddenly there on a moment's notice. I reflected on my experience. Horrible thoughts came to mind. What if Mom finds out? What if everyone else finds out? I will be ruined. I will be shipped away to an asylum and be forgotten by the ones who once loved me. But, I can't keep this a secret. Then I figured it out. I must tell the ones closest and most trusting to me. I decided upon my two closest friends. I still haven't had the chance to tell them, but when I tell them, oh how wonderful I will feel.

By no way, shape, or form do I encourage scarification, branding, or anything of the sort for attention or because it is 'cool'. That is called self-mutilation. And it isn't healthy. When you have a reason, as I did, it becomes artistic and meaningful. It becomes personal. And when it is personal, you get such an awesome feeling that can only be described as pure heaven. Once I reach the 'pure heaven' feeling, I never want to let it go. And you never will. I will always have the scar there to remind me of the feeling I got. Everytime I see the scar, I will remember the reason for doing it. It is pure bliss. People say I may regret it later, and I just might. But, at least I will be regretting something done instead of not done. It will always serve as a reminder of what hell my life once was. And if anyone is ever to see it, it will show them exactly how hellish and unbearable they made my life. And I hope they will be happy. Because, I am finally happy, and that is one thing they CAN'T take away.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 21 July 2004
in Scarification

Use this link to share:


Artist: Me
Studio: My+bedroom
Location: +

Comments (0)

add a comment

There are no comments for this entry

Back to Top