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Ink Rubbing; A Little Love of Mine

I've always been different, and I never truly found out how different I was until I started to cut myself, that was a few years ago. I've been a cutter ever since. My life story is written in scar tissue on my arms and legs, designs of stars and runes and things brand me so lovingly.

Sooner or later, it was bound to happen, I found myself wanting more, a tattoo, my first ink rubbing was on the inside of my right ankle, a simple design I made up, it is beautiful... my first. I used a razor blade the first time, but then later I used a needle and more India ink. And always I do it again, with a razor and needle this time, a sacrament to my beginning.

I've tried many things since the first time I cut. Ink rubbings, piercings, (13 in all, many of them cartilage, and soon to be more.) But I am hindered; I am under legal age to get a tattoo, being sixteen does have its woes.

I really never knew that what I was doing was done by everyone else, I know it sounds so used and downright self-involved but it's true. Body modification is a new concept for me; it has after all been my dirty little secret for a long time.

But now being the masochist that I am I indulge in every chance I get to do it again. Above my left breast on my collar bone I did another ink rubbing using a needle, this one didn't turn out so good, it was the symbol for sun, a circle with a dot in the center.

I didn't do anything with it for a year, I conveniently forgot about it but that has changed. I finally got along to doing something about it.

Like I do every other time, I prepared myself; I cleaned all the things that I was going to be using. Needles, ink, a paintbrush, and a razor. After psyching myself out, which does a good job of filling me with adrenaline and other natural chemicals that I've long gotten addicted to, I started.

I first drew out the star over my sun symbol, this took a few tries but eventually after much stressing I got it the way I wanted it. Working from an odd angle I worked mostly by watching the mirror version of me.

I'd take the needle and dipped it in the ink and poked myself. This hurt a lot, because I was poking the nerves that were under my skin and it was slow going so I felt every single one. It took a while for the area I was working on to go numb but eventually it did. Unfortunately I did not like the way it looked with all the dots being so noticeable. So I decided that a razor would be better to use next.

Just like I would if I was cutting myself I slid the razor on the outline of the star. It bled moderately and was a bit more painful than the needle because my body was using up the endorphins. I kept on cutting. I decided that the best way to fill the star in would be to cut a grid using crosshatching.

That hurt a lot, I did vertical cuts first and then went horizontally over them. I wiped the blood away as I did each cut and when I was done cutting I took the clean paint brush, dipped it in the ink and painted over my star. It stung worse than the cutting. I wasn't surprised but I was annoyed.

I cleaned the area again and then cut the places that seemed to not have enough ink and brushed over the star with the ink again. I did this a few times until I thought it looked to my satisfaction.

I cleaned up my ink rubbing and covered it in the plastic cellophane stuff. I then cleaned up the stuff I had used and no one was the wiser. It was late so I just went to sleep. In the morning everything was fine. I washed my tattoo and went to school. It didn't hurt much, but was sore form the abuse of the night before.

It healed up well, and it turned out pretty decent for such a badly done job. The outline of the star isn't as perfect as I wish it to be but I hope to get that fixed by someone who knows what they're doing. The inside of the star looks crosshatched and the lines have bled into each other filling the star even more. I don't know if it looks like it's been done by a tattoo gun because not many people have seen it.

My friends tell me that it looks good and they insist I do the same to them, but I won't because I think its wrong and the risk of infection is too great. It always is when you're doing it yourself. I just hope they aren't as stupid as I am but that isn't my business anyway.

I do plan on eventually getting it fixed up by a professional, hopefully this summer. I've had the star now for a few months and I don't think I'd ever want to part with it. It just means too much to me. I guess that's what people say when they have something done badly on their body, but I really mean it. That's all I can say.

I've grown a lot from this and my other experiences. All I can do now is hope that others learn from them. My only warning is to be cautious and to think everything through thoroughly. And always love yourself, because no one else will love you for your mistakes, they usually love your successes. Unless you're lucky.


submitted by: saucyjackjtr
on: 16 July 2004
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: My+room
Location: My+room

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