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My Shallow Heart

Since this is an experience about self cutting, I feel the need to make it clear to all readers that this is in no way a recommendation of how to go about cuttings. Nor is it a totally safe thing to do, there are many risks involved. So, I recommend, as usual getting procedures done by professionals, it's safer, much safer. However, with that said I still feel the desire and know all the risks of every home procedure I do, and that works fine with me.

If you are interested in my view on cutting, and the personal experiences I have had with it, then you may enjoy reading my submission on cutting, it was featured, and I feel it describes my feeling on cutting perfectly.

Okay, now that I am done with my warning, and history with cutting, I will begin with my actual experience. Always finding a wonderful release in self-cutting, I decided that it was time to journey back into the pleasures of cutting, after taking a long break away from it, due to a fiancé who was quite disturbed by my past and feelings with cutting. However, since Matt and I have since parted ways, and broke things off as a couple, although remaining friends, I felt the liberation to finally be myself again, and do what I desire again.

I decided upon doing a small self cutting upon my left lower inside portion of my leg, near my ankle. I decided that I wanted to carve in the shape of a heart. Not just because I find hearts to be aesthetically pleasing, which I do, but also as a symbol of reclaiming my heart and reclaiming my individuality now that I have began to be true to myself again.

As I mentioned before, my ex was not happy with my cutting, so I quit, for him, which I now do regret, because I should never change something about myself for another person. However, this explains why I had no scalpels available for use. I did have some sterile piercing needles in my piercing and body jewelry box however, and thought to myself that it would cut well enough with its sharp end to do the job.

So, I got a few supplies together that I felt would be needed. I grabbed a bottle of peroxide, some cotton balls, some large area Band-Aids and my piercing needles. I went ahead and washed my hands real good, and then sat down to begin with the procedure.

I rubbed down the area to be cut into with peroxide. I opened the piercing needles pouch and decided to begin. Literally what I did was nothing very intricate during this cutting, I just very lightly carved the shape of a heart into my skin. That was just to get the outline to go over, however. I then pressed down upon the needle harder, letting it penetrate my skin, and letting it release the blood. I felt a sort of release as the blood dripped out, I felt as if the toxins of the bad in the relationship that ended was seeping out. I wanted the hard feelings that I kept bottled up still, to be released. And they were.

I continued to go over the heart shape by pressing the needle into my skin deeper. I eventually stopped and cleaned off the area with peroxide. I saw that the peroxide kind of sat into the shape of the heart, and looked very interesting. I then put a Band-Aid over the cutting and disposed of the needle and cotton balls that were blood soaked.

It is now the day after the cutting, and I have a few comments to make after seeing its result. I really need to keep some scalpels handy, because the piercing needle just did not do what I was hoping for. Although there is the outline of a heart, that will most likely scar and look cute, I wanted the cut to be much deeper, therefore, it is very likely that I will take a scalpel and go over the heart again in the future. But nonetheless I got from this experience something that I really was looking for, and trying to achieve through this cutting. I wanted to rid myself of all the negativity of the past relationship, and enable myself to release all the hurt, and enable myself to be able to be friends with him again, while reclaiming my heart. I have no regrets what so ever about this cutting experience, it is very personally meaningful to me, I in a sense, that probably only I can understand reclaimed my heart and my ability and motivation to be my own person again, and not conform again for anyone, because I should not have to, I should be accepted as myself.

As I said before in this experience, and my article I wrote on cutting, this is not the way to go about things for everyone, however I find it works for me. And it can be dangerous, so again, I do not recommend repeating any of my actions.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 07 July 2004
in Scarification

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