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A cut above the rest !!

A cut above the rest

I had already performed cuttings on my friends, all of which had happened uneventfully, turned out well, and had healed without complication, so I felt confident performing the procedure on myself. Even if I did have a problem with pain, and an even bigger problem inflicting it on myself.

I had already been cautery branded, which is generally regarded as being higher up the pain ladder than cutting is, so my braincell reasoned this'd be piss-easy. Or should be anyway.

My first hurdle was to decide on a design I felt I would be happy with on my body for the rest of my life. This was vital. I knew from experience that straight lines were incrediably easier to cut than curves of any description, but I was capable of doing them. After much fucking about, 29 bic's and 4 trees worth of paper later I decided on a simple 5 pointed star.

The design sorted it was time to contemplate the positioning. Much less space for compromising here. I needed the design somewhere I could see it, and work on it easily, without any of my other limbs interferring. And it had to be on my legs. Bar one tattoo all my permanent work is on my legs, I can't explain why, I just feel the need to put it there. It's not the whole "cos I can cover it to get a job" issue, because the aforementioned tattoo is on totally public skin. Maybe because my work's done for my personal happiness, not for every other mother fucker to stand and stare at. Either way, the front of my right thigh was the only space left on my legs that I could see, so it was going there.

I was home alone one evening about a week or so after I'd drawn up my final design and decided everything in my mind, with no plans or apparently no friends. So I decided, it was time.

First I shaved my thigh, making sure I shaved most of it, much more space than I needed, nothing worse than getting hair in the way halfway through. Now, if I'd have planned this I would've shaved it a day or 2 before, but I didn't, and that left my leg a little tender, even before I started the cutting.

I laid kitchen towel down, and laid out my tools on it. Let's start this freak show:

I put a couple of those infamous latex gloves on and cleansed my thigh with Chlorhexidine, making sure not to drown it. I transfered the image (which I'd drawn up on the computer to make it precise) onto my skin and gave it another quick wipe with Chlorhexidine, being careful not to take too much of my design off with it. Getting serious now.

I whipped a new sterile scalpel blade from it's packaging and slipped it on the handle. "Ooooooooooh, looks sharp, stop now before you hurt yourself". "Shut up brain".

I gripped the skin with one hand, on either side of the line, and pulled it taught. Grasping the scalpel in the other (my right) hand I slowly inched it closer to my leg.

I drew the blade delicately along the first line, marking it with a thin trail of crimson fluid. It began to form small droplets on my leg. Not before I cut again. I cut the length of the desired line with smaller cuts, each about 5-6mm in length. While this may have been harder and taken me longer I believe this 'irritated cutting' goes further into promoting tissue damage, trauma and thus scarring than a single, smooth cut could. This wasn't pleasant. A sheen or perspiration was forming on my forehead and I started feeling hot and flustered. A feeling I've felt before (not connected to body modifications) related to pain and fear, not excitement or endorphins.

I performed this all to an even depth, allbeit relatively shallow, along the distance of the line. I then pulled the flesh away from the line, putting a lot of force on it. This didn't hurt. I could handle this.

I then resumed cutting. I cut along the centre of the previous incision, deepening the opening to what was quite literally 'my inner self'. A feeling I can't explain, and one I feel I don't really want to. I then cut either side of this, widening the bright red oozing mark. I pulled this apart again, and repeated the cutting procedure. All the while getting all the more uncomfortable.

By the time I had finished the initial line I had one one piece of kitchen roll covered in my blood. Onwards to the next.

I worked my way round the star, cutting every other line, the flesh around the most recently cut being too tender and sore to begin a fresh incision right next to it. I changed scalpel blades, feeling the first one start to drag on my flesh, hurting more than I wanted to, more than I felt it needed to.

I did 5 out of a total of 10 lines, taking me somewhere in the region of 1 and half - 2 hours. By this point my leg was throbbing, and to simply poke the surronding tissue caused pain. Like I said before, I always had a big problem with inflicting pain on myself, and I have nothing to prove to anyone. So I stopped.

I cleaned my leg up with more kitchen roll and Chlorhexidine, much to my dis-satisfaction. This hurts, and not a "oooooh, by jove, that stings more than a tad", more of a "MOTHER FUCKING CUNT. BOLLOX, SHIT, FUCK THAT FUCKKKKKKKIIIING HURTS" Up to now I thought the cut hurt. How wrong I was, that pain was nothing like this. But still it had to be done, I was the only one here, so I was gonna do it.

I finished cleaning the cuts, wiped most the blood from around the surrounding skin, waited for it to stop bleeding, stuck a sterile patch over it, and went to bed.

The next morning it had bled a little, and the patch was stuck to it. Ah well, a short sharp pull should get it off. ARRRGHHHHH. Yep, got it off sure enough, just hurt a bit while it was doing it. I had a shower, during which I rubbed a little shower gel into the wound, and scrubbed it (a little anyway) with this spongey thing.

I pretty much left it alone for the first day or two, until scabs started to form.

Once the scabs were there I began picking them off, viciously scratching my leg, even when it wasn't itchy and generally pissing it off. On the third day, having just removed the scabs I doused the now open wound with neat Hydrogen Peroxide. For anyone who's never tried this, it stings, but not enough to be considered painful. I then scrubbed it with an old toothbrush (not the one I regularly use I'm pleased to say).

Seeingas I had nothing planned for the entire day I got myself a dish-cloth like thing and held it above the kettle while it boiled, making the cloth both warm and wet. I wrapped this round my scarification and then encapsulated my thigh in cling film. Neither I or none of my friends had ever tried this. The idea was to create a mild infection, in order to promote scarring. I kept that on, occasionally re-heating the cloth, most of the day.

I went to bed happy.

The next day I left it well along, in order to give the infection a chance to settle in. The day following that I removed the scabs following a hot shower. Underneath was a bright yellow puss. Result!

I immediately got the hydrogen peroxide out and poured it liberally over what now looked like cess-pits. It turned white before it even had a chance to leave the bottle and began fizzing madly, eating away at my flesh and the many other little organisms that lay within my leg. Now it stung.

The days following consisted of repeating the same procedure of picking the scabs off, hydrogen peroxide and scrubbing with a toothbrush, being careful to keep my scrubbing in the direction of the lines, I had cut them wide enough, I didn't need to encourage them to spread out any further.

Once I removed the scabs to find it looking a little too happy for my liking, so I decided spraying deodorant into it would be "fun". To this day I'm not sure if this was wise or not, not being able to find anyone who's really sure. All I know is it bloody stung. And pain's good, even if not enjoyable, because it means it's doing some damage to the wound, which should aid it's final scarring ability.

At around the 3 week period I ceased irritating what was by now a pink scar, hoping get the last remaining dried skin and dead cells to leave me and find a happy home in my bed, my jeans or on the floor somewhere. During this time I also discovered quite a few decent sized spots appearing on my thigh, around the cuttings, most of which I'd already popped, but they too were starting to disappear.

About a month after my skin originally made contact with the hard cold steel of a scalpel blade I was at it again, slicing away at the remaining 5 lines in order to render my artwork complete.

The second coming of the blade was as uneventful and unpleasant as the first, and I can honestly say I felt no great joy as it eased my skin apart, or even as I made the final cut. Only relief. It was finished. I read so many experiences that say "All I felt was overwhelming joy", "I felt at one with my body", "I felt as if I was on a different plane, floating" or even "I never wanted the experience to end". I've never felt anything that remotely resembles anything that positive during the actual act of injuring my body. Maybe because I don't do it from self loathing, a rite of passage, to impress someone else or so many of the other reasons I've read people have had body modifications. I do it because I love my body, I'm proud of it, it's mine and I'm gonna decorate it as I see fit. I'm proud of my body, of every modification on it, and each one only serves to make me prouder.

Now, a few months on, my cut's looking great, each scar is about 6-7mm across, and the whole thing is very even, and very pink. Well, kinda pink with a massive hint of purple.

Cutting hurts, but if you want it you'll cope, easily. Healing it itches, but you'll cope. If you want it go for it, but go to a professional, there are enough of them about. If you wanna do it yourself because you can't afford to get it done properly then wait. You have your priorities in the wrong order. If you wanna do it yourself because you like the idea of hurting yourself, the idea of pain, then don't do it. You're in it for the wrong reasons. If you wanna do it because you're bored one evening then you're really stupid. This scars for life, get a hobby, a life, or a porn mag.

Aren't I just a hypocritical fuck?!?!

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 17 Jan. 2003
in Scarification

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Artist: meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee%21%21%21%21%21%21
Studio: .
Location: manchester

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