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Razorblade Romance!

I have to say that this is my own experience and I would advise anyone who is thinking about cutting, to think about it carefully! Its not to be taken lightly, if something goes wrong, if you use the wrong tool, it could be infected...and you don't want that! I am fully aware of the dangers and I have thought about all the things that could happen, but I still decided to go ahead and do it...So think about it before you go chopping your skin!

Now that bit is over, I will get to my experience (at least one of them) with cutting. For many years I have been obsessed with the idea of using my body as a canvas, when I was younger I drew on myself and often had friends use mendhi on me. Anyway when I was about 15 I decided that I was going to give myself a sort of tattoo. Using a large safety pin I managed to scribe my initials onto my thigh and it felt so wonderful, knowing that I had put it there and that it would be there for some time (it is still there now 4 years later, but it has faded somewhat).

A few months ago I decided that I wanted to do something else on my body, I wasn't sure what and looked around for inspiration. Being a fan of music, I decided that I wanted to do something that had a musical connection. Music is my life; it's one of my biggest passions. Anyway I have been in love with a Finnish band called HIM for years and I decided that I would honour my love for them by using their 'Heart-A-Gram' in what I was about to do. Basically the Heart-A-Gram is like a pentagram, but the top of the star is rounded so that it resembles a heart. The singer from the band, Ville Valo, has one tattooed on the back of his neck, but I had already decided that the design was going to be on my calf (I may be double jointed, but even I couldn't reach the back of my own neck!).

Drawing the design on paper was hard enough and I got a little worried about how I was going to do it on my leg, but if I drew it onto my leg first, I assumed it would be ok. I didn't want it to be too small, but I didn't want it too big either, I finally sized it right and set about drawing it onto my leg with a non-toxic pen (after making sure that my legs were clean and smooth). I found a clean, new razor in the bathroom cupboard and took away the plastic, leaving me with two shiny new blades; these were to be my cutting tools. I sterilised them in boiling water and made sure they were not damaged, I didn't want anything to go wrong!

I went back to my bedroom and put on a HIM CD and sat on the bed thinking. I wanted to make sure that I really wanted to do this to myself, that I wanted to put that design on my body. I finally decided I was ready and set about giving myself a Heart-A-Gram scar. With the music in the background, I made the first cut. For a start there was no blood, but as I went back over the first cut, it started to trickle out. It felt amazing, my whole body seemed to relax and all I could focus on was cutting...I didn't feel any pain, just a rush, like when you go on a fairground ride, my whole body seemed to be breathing.. It's so hard to put it into words! I went over the first line of the design about four times before I moved onto the next line; the amount of blood that came out amazed me. I didn't expect there to be as much as there was, I didn't think I was going deep enough for there to be that much! But I wiped the blood off with a wet cloth and carried on. Cutting myself with pa rt of a razor like that felt weird, not mentally, but physically, I could feel the razor ripping through my flesh and this made me think it was like when you take a safety pin and run it down a piece of clothing. You feel the pin catch on the material and pull it, cutting myself was a similar sensation.

All in all I think it took me about an hour to complete, bearing in mind I did go over each part of the design at least 8 times, I wanted it to scar properly. By the time I had finished, it had started to sting a little, but I was still on a high and didn't really notice it that much. I made sure that I cleaned all the blood off my leg with a warm cloth and looked down at my handy work. I was surprised at how good it looked; I half expected it to go wrong, but alas! It looked just how I wanted it to and I was extremely pleased. For the next few days I bathed it with warm water and tried to keep it as clean as possible. When it started to scab I would bathe it and begin to strip the scabs away, it wept a little and it hurt quite a lot, but I soon got used to removing them. I removed them for about 3 weeks and then decided I would leave it for a while and let it heal. And heal it has! I now have a beautiful Heart-A-Gram on my calf and every time I look at it, it reminds me of one of the songs that was playing when I did it, 'Razorblade Kiss'. Quite appropriate I thought!


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 17 Jan. 2003
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+room
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