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Influence of another

This is going to be a pretty bland experience. But please, bear with me.

It all happened during the summer of 2001. I was talking to this one guy that shall remain nameless. Let's call him Josh. Anyway, I met Josh through IAM and we got along really well. I discovered that he was much interested in scarification; which got me intrigued. At the time, I only had a few piercings and wasn't into anything else. Anyways, we were hanging out at a coffee shop and he proceeded to show me his scars on his arm that had been done to him. At the time, I had only thought that he was into this art form for the pure aesthetic look of it all. But I was wrong.

I later found out that he would cut himself because he was sad. He needed to find ways to balance his emotional pain with physical discomfort. I had always heard about "self-mutilation" and how it was so badly portrayed by the general public. But this was a guy who had real feelings of sadness and needed to show them on his exterior self.

Following this event, I started rummaging through the pictures in the scarification section on BME and at first I didn't like the whole aspect of it being permanent. And being badly viewed by my peers. The whole thought of my friends approaching me to ask me about it, thinking I'm deranged or that I should seek help threw me off completely. But after much thought, I thought I should go through with it. Just because I owe it to myself to adorn my body in a new way instead of piercing.

One day, I went over to his house. Purely because he had to get rid of his beer so I volunteered to help. Anyways, after drinking a beer and watching The Simpsons, he left to go to his room. A few moments later, he came back with rubbing alcohol, cotton swabs and a scalpel. Anyways, prior to my visit, we had discussed during a scarification on myself. After setting everything on the table, he unwrapped the packaging on the scalpel. Taking out a pen, he drew a star on my hip area. After looking over at it and being generally satisfied with his drawing, he started cutting.

It was an awfully weird feeling. I didn't flinch once. He started lightly at first and went over the lines over and over. It stung. I felt him hit my nerves every time. It made my leg twitch everytime. He had only finished 2/3 of it before he stopped because he hated my skin texture. He was right; I don't have the right type of skin for scarring. He finished up and we went to sleep.

After that summer, I never saw him again. It really affected me. Not only had I grown closer to him because he somewhat opened up to me and vice-versa, but because I was able to relate to everything he said. His company was pleasant. But he never believed me and just cut off contact.

I was sad. I was rejected. He left me scars that were completely unwanted and I resented him for it. I cried a lot about it. I started searching through BME again this time around and started reading the scarification experiences. I got intrigued again. So I came up with an idea.

I looked over at this half star on my hip. It was ugly. It wasn't even finished. So I decided to change that around. I chose to end it. But not with that same star, with a new one. So one night, in my bedroom, I took a razor, rubbed it with alcohol (bad bad bad) and proceeded to get to work. I started off with light strokes and started digging in deeper. The sight of my own blood was an adrenaline rush for me. It took me awhile because it had hurt more this time than the last. I took a few breaks, although the star only measures about an inch or so. I have a low pain tolerance, what can I say?

After the deed was done, I cleaned it off again with alcohol and kept a tissue on it so it could absorb all the blood. I was absolutely proud of my work; mostly because it had meant something to me. Although, I should mention that I should have not done this, it's not safe.

He still doesn't know about it, but I doubt he'd even care. I didn't do this in tribute to him in any way. I did it for myself; I needed it for therapeutic reasons. After that cutting, I did more. I thought it could help me deal with my feelings because it was obvious that I couldn't. I thought physical control would help. But I've learned I've got to be a stronger person and not cut myself anymore.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 10 Aug. 2002
in Scarification

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Artist: me+and+a+guy
Studio: my+house%2C+his+house
Location: montreal

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