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My hidden strength

My scarification occurred about 2 weeks ago; right now it is almost completely healed and is doing perfectly. I happen to be an insomniac and it was one of those endless, suffocating nights when all I could comprehend were the blaring incessant numbers of the clock on their endless circle of injustice. Anyways instead of spending the next 5hrs thinking all those evil thoughts that plague humankind I was reminded of the beauty I saw bme and the intrigue it had stirred.

I am a practicing Wiccan and I knew that whatever I put on my body had to hold more than a buzzing slip of importance. I had decided on a symbol that means strength. It was not chosen to mark myself as strong but rather to evoke an amount of strength inside me. I don't credit myself as being a weak person but being strong and sure is definitely something I could improve upon.

It looks like a compass w/ a circle in the center and four large points at the North, South, East and West directions and smaller points at the spaces in-between. It's on my upper arm. I chose this place because I have always loved blood and the feel of the sharp blade cutting and plummeting, widening and forming. This has been a place of many pervious slashes and deep, even lines. I have never done anything artistic before this point in time. However the previous gorges have formed a nearly perfect canvas for my now completed creation.

So it was late, the world was dead and perfect in their warm unknowing unconscious and when I am at my most aware. This was the perfect time. I have a small skinny razor blade I use w/ all my cuttings and I look that out, along with some rubbing alcohol. I proceed to the bathroom and turned on both lights, (ones a normal one and the other makes everything stark and clear). Once there I cleaned the blade with rubbing alcohol. WARNING!!! In case there is anyone who is as ignorant as I never, NEVER clean a blade with rubbing alcohol, it makes it rust and all the love and devotion you placed in that trustful blade is destroyed. Ok back to my story. I am in the bathroom topless trying to make sure I have everything perfect and not having to run out in the middle of the procedure. I traced the design from the book on my arm with a sharp edge. Once it was properly drawn to my liking I continued with the razor. I must confess the tracing part I rushed which I really shouldn't have.  Nevertheless, I began slowly and tried to cut as deeply as I could. It produced so much blood, and dumbass me, I forgot to bring paper towels. I couldn't use toilet paper because it leaves little white lint thingies, so out I run topless and bloody to the kitchen for paper towels. Upon my return I began alternating blotting it and cutting. About ¾ ways done I got so sick of the blood and mess, it didn't hurt then just bled and bled. Around that time I began to become careless and fucked it up slightly. The West and East points aren't lined up perfectly and are considerably thicker. To compensate for the thickness I added a parallel line in the middle of each of the thicker points.

By the time I was finished I had fresh bright red blood still oozing from my self- inflicted wound and dried dark maroon blotches around the edges where I blotted it. I ran the wound under cold water to cleanse it and put some Neosporin on it. Once I created a goopy mess w/ that I wrapped it in gauze. It didn't feel like the sharp constant pain I expected, it was more of a dull throb, which made my arm feel almost numb. I cleaned up all the bloody towels with warm water so there was no trace of my endeavor in the morning and off to bed I went.

The next morning I had school at seven, I woke up early to make sure I could take care of it properly after my shower. I advanced so far as removing the gauze and it starts to bleed. This has never happened before with any of my cutting and it made me somewhat nervous. I look the shower and put Neosporin and fresh gauze on it.

For about a week I irritated it with salt, rubbing alcohol and a toothbrush. NEVER, use salt more than once, it dries it out and makes such a mess of your work. I loved the rush irritating gave me. The sharp searing pain gives me shivers and longing just thinking about it. It also turns out I am allergic to Neosporin, which I used repeatedly. I broke out in a pimply rash and the whole cut started to ooze. That was when I stopped using the toothbrush and began with hydrogen peroxide, my anti-septic god. I used it twice a day until the pimple rash disappeared and the oozing stopped. It is now healed besides for some places I keep picking at.

It is not evenly cut depth-wise and is not perfectly cut in its shape, however I love it, it gives me confidence and holds a special meaning one which exceeds the title of strength it holds. Whenever I'm bored I run my fingers on it and think; if I can do that, then what else is there to change and of course the next question is where to start.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 17 Feb. 2002
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: bathroom
Location: New+york

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