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Twisted Beautiful..Scars Of Commitment

I have the chinese symbol for cloud carved into my leg. I cut it with a razorblade, just deep enough so that it would scar, but not deep enough so that I would bleed too profusely. It is absolutely beautiful to me. I have always been depressed, and used to slash constantly at my legs with razorblades, loving the pain and blood but hating the ugly slash mark scars. One day I came to the realisation that, if I was going to scar myself, I might as well make the scars beautiful, make them mean something to me. Letting the hurt out became a very positive things as I learned to make more and more intricate and beautiful patterns, using razorblades, hot metal and craft knives. There is something so insanely wonderful about manipulating one's own skin into exquisite patterns, wearing the scars of past emotional battles, as it were. All of my scarifications and body mods mean something to me. I meditate for anything up to months on what they mean to me, what they symbolize, etc. I spend a lot of time on websites full of Chinese, Celtic and Nordic symbols, searching for the one that will be the basis for my next mod. I also spend a l o t of time on BME, just surfing around, looking for ideas for my next piercing and marvelling that some people have nullification fetishes :) I love all of my body mods. I have many piercings, including tongue and clit, and a small self done tattoo. The scarifications I did myself, the cloud symbol on my leg, which is fading now, was my first. I cut it with the razor, felt the orgasmic rush of endorphins rushing through my brain as the blood trickled down my leg, rubbed it with vinegar (to help with scarring, this, as you can imagine, hurt like hell but in a really good way). My second scarification means untold amounts to me. My girlfriend, who is also named Kelly, means absolutely everything in the world to me. I wanted to do something to show her how committed I feel to her- I want to be with her forever, and I wanted to do something permanent to show her this. At present, I am too broke to afford a tattoo, so a scarification or branding seemed to be the solution. I played around with designs on paper, finally deciding to combine two k's, one forward and one backwards, to make a symbol which looks like a heart trapped between two lines. To me this symbolizes commitment, and when I have enough money I will get it tattooed. I also want a rainbow tattoo on the lower part of my back, to show my pride to be bisexual and in love. The next consideration was: scarification or brand? I have a few self-done brands already, and as it is harder to be precise with brands, I decided on a scarification. I made the decision to have it on my left hip, low down (covered by my underwear) as this way it is on my left side (the side of my heart) and also it will never be seen by anyone but her. I numbed the area with ice, to enable me to cut deeper, sterilised a new single edged razorblade in boiling water, cleared my mind, and began to cut over the design I had inked onto my hip. The razorblade was brand new and very sharp, although I would have much preferred to have used a scalpel. I think that the next time I indulge, I will use one. Luckily there is a surgical supplies shop in my town :) The endorphin rush is incredible; as is the feeling that you are doing something truly beautiful for yourself. When I had cut the whole design and the blood was flowing freely, I went over it two more times, deepening it. This hurt more than the original cutting, and I had the weird feeling of my flesh parting beneath the blade. I then left it for a while, returning to re-open it when it had stopped bleeding with a sterilised safety pin. The next step was to rub the cut with hydrogen peroxide, to prevent infection, and finally vinegar, to aid scarring. This hurt, but was an amazing kind of pain. I threw my head back and grit my teeth, riding the waves of pain, becoming the pain, letting it take me to almost orgasmic heights. Ah the beauty of pain. Two days on, and it is looking good. I keep re-opening and irritating the cut, to ensure good scarring. This, I have found, is easier to do in the shower with the hot water loosening the scabs. I can't wait until the next time I stay with my girlfriend (she lives in America and I in England, at the moment) so she can see this wonderful expression of my love. I keep dreaming about her running her tongue over its smooth lines..before dipping it down to a more meaningful area..mmmmm :)


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 10 Aug. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: myself
Studio: bedroom
Location: smalltown%2C+england+%3A%29

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