Development takes time
I have for a number of years been at war with myself not knowing which way to turn or for that matter, what to do.
From a very young age I have felt outcast by society, not in an overtly evil way, just different, on the fringe of insanity if you like. I remember being three years old, unable to sleep my mind started wandering. I kept having strange sensations, not directly thoughts but feelings and what might be described as an out of body experience, just without the floating into the air and seeing my bed below. I was sensing so many things all related to my existence, why do I exist as me and not as someone else (this is a very difficult thing for me to explain) why do I exist at all, do other people really exist, where am I? However, being brought up in a strict, middle class, household I was not accustomed to question myself and didn't explore these feelings with anyone. Through my formative years I worked hard at school; it was not until I was going through puberty that things started to change (no pun intended). I became obsessed with all things paranormal, accumulating several shelves full of books, magazines and newspaper cuttings. The 'awakening' of my own personality away from the contrived norm of my schooling launched around now, and so did the outpouring of the pent-up frustration that must have been building up all of my life. Like so many others; I found that gently cutting into myself would produce a certain sensation. There was this certain release of the constriction I felt overwhelming me, and I liked it, I liked the pain, when it rubbed against my school uniform I would remember what I had done, even though I didn't necessarily know why I had done it. This continued periodically for a few years until I reached 15. At 15 my friends and I became interested in and experimented with drugs. By the time I turned 17 I had dropped out of school, was on the verge of becoming homeless and selling drugs to fund my own needs. I was so indifferent to the 'real' world by the ranting of intoxicated peers that I didn't know what to do, I was not a nice person to be with and lost all of my real friends, some of whom I have not regained. Then came the bombshell. For the last few months I had been using ever-larger quantities of LSD, a drug that I never really acquired a taste for. But I was consuming quantities that would make Jim Morrison look like a square, I didn't care what was happening. Although far from depressed, I was so influenced by so called friends I was completely indifferent to the world. I took a rather normal dose, day turned into night and still I was taking more and more, then I cracked, I became separated from my friends and fell asleep in the middle of a field. I had the worst time of my life that night because I forgot who I was and what I was. I woke not remembering what had happened or where I was, in the pitch-blackness I walked for what seemed like two or three hours still under the influence, but I could not find out where I was, nor the way back to our hangout. I was petrified, I had not only just experienced the worst 20-hour bad trip but now I was lost. Daylight started to show and I eventually sobered up enough to find my way back home. For the next month or so I didn't sober up, I constantly felt under the influence and was suffering flash backs every other day. Still having not learned from my experience I was bullied into tacking another few tabs one night, the same scenario, bad trip only this time I found out why. Whilst in a hypnotic trance caused by the drug, people were leaning over me and speaking to me in a way to scare me and make me have a bad trip, this of course they thought was funny as I didn't recount how badly the last experience made me feel. I completely lost it again. Then one week of sobriety followed, I had a smoke and once again I had a bad flash back, from that day to this I haven't taken mind-altering, non-prescribed drugs once. I have been totally clean for about five years now, voluntarily. The rejuvenated me. With sobriety followed friends with friends followed confidence, and with confidence I found education again. I also began to channel any negative feelings, focusing and trying to release the pain through positive channels such as meditation, exercise or just smoking a fag. This does not always work and about a year or so ago I went through a tough time, an abortion, death in the family and splitting with a long-term lover. Cutting and marking my body once again became the only way to pull me through this. Initially I tried to force myself to not cut myself, I then gave in and got the release I needed by adding to my tattoo collection. This would work for a while but being a student and not wanting a full body suit quite yet I did resort to cutting myself. Mainly my arms took the brunt of my anger with a razor, the scars are very difficult to see now. On one particular occasion, I took a scalpel to my body, arms and legs, I was hospitalized by flat mates that night, but managed to escape, as I knew although very bloody, the injuries were not life threatening so long as I kept them clean whilst they healed. But along with calling the ambulance, they also called my parents and revealed my little secret. Now all had been revealed I was taken to the family home and put on drugs, doctors wanted to section me, but with the medication (anti depressants, tranquilizers, and anti psychotic drugs) I proved I was getting better. I now wear the scars of a mixed nature. For they remind me that I was once unhappy, but now I am happy. They remind me that I have a great group of friends, who did the most difficult thing they could have done in getting me the help that I needed but at the time didn't want. They remind me of how delicate life is and how we should all embrace everyday one at a time. I must admit that I still cut myself now and then, but never like before and most of the time not when I'm unhappy, the cuts I make are designed and form patterns, in fact the most recent cutting I've made I will be getting tattooed in a few weeks. I am writing this as part of my continued development, and accustomisation with who I am. For I still have all those unanswered questions, its only now that I am able to start finding out the answers. If you have anything you would like discuss, or any thoughts on this passage please feel free to email me. Thank you for reading.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 21 Feb. 2001