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What the Hell is Wrong with Me

Hey Hey I've actually started wondering, what the hell is wrong with me? Everytime I get mad, and I don't want to cry, I'll do something insanly odd and mutilating to myself. Only this time I actually lost my mind. I was sitting on my bed, not doing a damn thing. I don't know what made me pick up the knife but I just did. I felt I was loosing everything that was near to me, so I began carving a "7" into my ankle. The number of God. My need for pain began to scare me, just an hour before I had carved a heart above my breast with a "K" in it. I had never done something like this twice in one night. At first it just started as a random scratching, then I took a pen and outlined a "7" in a gothic-like shape. Kinda like old English letters. I traced of this many times, using many tools, needles, knives, tweezers, razors, anyhing I could that would work to make it a wide cut.First I started by taking the needle and actually digging out my skin. Then I would scratch it and irritate it until it bled. then I would make it larger by picking at it with a knife, and picking of the dead skin with the tweezers. I didn't have a set plan, I just did whatever came natural. Somehow the "7" came out as one of the most beautiful things on my body. When I finally got that done, I realized how angels have a huge impact on my life. And how if I could feel like an angel, maybe I would act more like one. So along the "7" I carved angel wings.The wings go along the back of the "7" and are quite magnificant. They are very real looking. I did not know I had it in me to create such a work of art. The burning was insane, it was like my whole leg was set on fire. It was some what satisfying. Like I had found a way to get out my anger and I was left with this breath-taking permanant mark. A mark that totally represents my feelings. I went to bed that night feeling lonley, but full. I didn't cover the mark, I left it out in the open. I guess at some point during the ngiht I flung my foot out and the cool air really soothed it. I know that if my Grandmother saw any of my scars or cuts soon to be scars, she would kill me. She doesn't understand that every thing I inflict on my self has a certain meaning to me. It's easier than carrying around a hunk of memorabilia all the time, when you can have it right in your skin. Come to think of it, all of my scars are related to my boyfriend. Now, the day later, I look down on it and realize just how much I hate being alone. My boyfriend's mom won't let him talk to me or see me, and my best friend is away. I could call my other friends, but they don't mean that much to me, no offense to them. All I want is my boyfriend. All I want is for him to call me for a second and reassure me that everything is alright. I hate thinking that maybe I'm losing the one person in this world who understands me, and loves me. I guess that triggers a need to cut. A need to carve him into me all the time. 7 not only represents God, it represents my boyfriend. That's his favorite number. I guess the angel wings kinda say that he's my angel. I know that I got him in trouble with his mom ( I accendently blew our cover, we were secretly on the phone and i didnt know he hung up when she picked up and I said bye, love you) So, I know I made him feel pain. Now I'm finding ways to kinda punish myself with pain, and have beautiful scars to remind me of what I did, and that if I want to keep him, not to hurt him again. I just go crazy sometimes, wanting to make up for soemthing, but not being able to. Also I'm scared. Scared that I will lose him, and that makes me want to cut. It seems like everything makes me want to cut and people just don't understand that carving, cutting and branding are wonderful ways to express yourself. And that it's an extention of your feelings nad that means alot to you. Some people just don't grasp that. Next I want to try branding. Just on my own though, I'll just heat up something and shove it on a body part I guess. Email me if you wanna talk, I know alot about piercings and stuff if you have any questions I love you Kyle -Mal


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 10 Jan. 2001
in Scarification

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Artist: Myself
Studio: My+bedroom
Location: Freddy

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