a star is born
ys thought that when i went to college that i would be so happy and since i would be around so many different people that i would have no trouble finding people who would understand me. then i got here and realized that no one here is any different than anyone in high school. when i first got here i felt freakish and strange, and i still do. i have friends and everything, but no one that i'll tell any of my secrets too, you know? so everything is kind of wierd here anyway, and to further confirm my denial of the existence of "god", my dad was killed in november. yeah, that was special. i had to leave my first quarter of college two weeks early and miss all my exam, etc, to be at home. that was right before our six week christmas break anyway,so i didnt see anyone from here for two months. when i got back they all looked at me funny and wouldnt really talk to me for a while. people get really wierd about death. i think they were afraid that if they associated with me too much that someone they loved would die too. stupid so that made me feel even more alienated because i would get so depressed and i didnt have anyone to talk to. so many shitty things have happened in my life that i feel much older than my 18 years, and i have a hard time relating to my peers. to make a long story short (?), that is when i started cutting myself. my closest friend has told me a few times about how she cuts herself when shes upset and it helps her, and i remember telling her that she shouldnt do it because it was a bad way to relieve emotions, and i didnt understand. it was a week or so into the new quarter and i felt so alone and frustrated and depressed and just wanted to disappear and not have to face anyone. I couldnt talk to anyone about it because i didnt think they cared. so one day when my roommate was gone, i picked up a plastic butter knife and started sawing at my right arm. i didnt have anything really sharp around, so i picked up the closest thing. it didnt really hurt, and i bled very little, but the emotional pain that i got rid of totally overrode the physical pain. i felt so good afterwards, and i didnt know why. i still dont really know why cutting myself makes me feel better, but it does. i love the red welts i get; i think they're beautiful. i guess thats pretty fucked up, but i have always thought bruises and cuts were so beautiful, and i dont know why. the ridiculus part is that no one asked me about them until i had done it half a dozen times and there were still red lines criscrossing the entire inside length of my forearm. it amazes me how not perceptive people can be. well i have seven piercings, and have wondered if i want a tattoo, but i dont think they're so great, really. i mean, if every fucking sorority bitch can pay some dude to shove ink into their skin, how much personal satisfaction could i derive from it? i've been looking through the pictures here on bme of scarification, and i think they are incredible. i see so much more of a message in them then in ordinary tattoos because its just your body... there's no ink or anything foreign.
last night i decided that i wanted my own personalized scar. i really wanted it on my forearm, but my mom would commit me! i decided to carve a star into my right leg, right above my ankle on the inside. i drew a nice star on a piece of paper and cut it out and traced it on my leg. i grabbed a swiss army knife(very sharp!) and slowly cut along the lines i had drawn. i cut deep enough for it to bleed, and wheni was done it was a beautiful crimson star. i sat and stared at if for a good half hour, admiring my work. not bad for my first try! i went back over it to clean up the corners and to deepen some spots. i think it is beautiful and loved the sight of my own blood. the pain was minimal, and i didnt exactly enjoy it, but i had a goal, and i was not going to stop until i had a star carved onto my leg. the blood spurred me on as well. i dont know if i'lldo another one. i am not even sure if my star will scar noticeably, but i definately love it. one of my friends noticed it today and couldn't believe that i cut myself on purpose, even though he knows about my other cuttings. i guess i'll have to deal with people close-mindedness, but its nothing new. if you have any questions or comments or anything, feel free to email me.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 07 May 2000