Diary

Breckinridge IPA/ North River Saison
7/11/2019 | 0 comments

 

WTF can I not access the type box on my laptop? This is really starting to piss me off. If I wrote more, it would be quite the annoyance. 

Life is crazy at the moment. We're doing work on the house right now, and up next is redoing the floors. So I'm about done with packing up the contents of my room and taking it out to the living room. Jesus Christ I own a lot of shit, most of which does not spark joy. So on the plus side, I'm going to be going through a lot of stuff and hopefully getting rid of a bunch. Assuming I don't get lazy.

Another plus: I now have a ceiling fan! Feels great, and just in time for the hot months.

Transition-wise, still just out to the same three people, which is getting old. Still having trouble getting the conversation started. I also still kinda want to wait until I have noticeable changes. Having some issues feeling valid while still being outwardly female. Although at this point, I more or less pass until I open my mouth. Dying for a deeper voice already. I've always hated mine as is.

Only one therapy session left, though, and I still have struggles. My bank account is going to appreciate the stoppage, at least. This is an expensive process, to say the least. 

Probably going up to see mom this weekend. I want to pick out a rug for my room before I start rebuilding it, and she has a few to choose from. I'm also dying to have an in-depth conversation with her about what's going on, and there's some upcoming stuff I need her mom wisdom on. 

Anyway, gotta get back to the room packing. Fix your damn text box, iam!

 

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Phase Change/ New Tricks, Old Dog
7/2/2019 | 0 comments

 

Can't get into the type box on my laptop, so now I gotta do this on my phone. And it's been a couple weeks, so there's a lot to go over. Grrrrr.

Mom got back to me a couple days after she left, texting a message of support and offering whatever help she can.

I told Scott a few days later. He seemed surprised I wasn't going with some nonbinary thing, but I explained I just can't stand being androgynous any more. But he's also supportive and just wants me to do what I have to to feel better.

Hawaii sister left yesterday. Mom drove her down, so we got to talk for the first time since I let her know in writing. She thinks I should use the name I have been using, and told me what dad's side of the family thinks about it shouldn't matter, as it's what I would've been called, anyway. 

I'd meant to tell my sister while she was here visiting, but chickened out. I still find the conversation difficult to have. Mom asked if I was going to tell family or if she should, and I said I would tell my siblings, and she can let her sister know when I feel ready. She also said I probably should have dealt with this sooner, which stings. I've lost so many years and so much of what I could have been, but I can't dwell on that. What's done is done. 

I think mom must've chatted to her friend about it, because she was asking about the nonbinary designation and told me I'll have to be patient with her changing pronouns. So it seems she's not just supportive, but also trying to educate herself on the issue, which is fantastic and relieving. I really lucked out so far as moms go. But it was a brief visit, and there's a lot still to talk about (I have yet to broach the subject of surgery).

Speaking of which, I picked up my surgery letter last week, and my second box of Testim. I've done a full month already. Arm muscles keep growing, more hair is coming in, I'm feeling warmer and sweating more (just in time for the summer heat). Feeling mostly calm and quiet good, but also now getting into PMDD time, which has unfortunately not been stopped. I just want my cycle to go away for-goddamn-ever already! Not much voice change or bottom growth yet, which are often among the initial changes.

In other news, work on the house is set to begin next week, and I have to pack up all of the many things that are in my room because we're getting the floors done. Good Lord do I have a lot of stuff. Thinking about taking the vast majority of my CDs into Amoeba just to get them out of my life. We're also putting boards down in the attic, so I will be able to take my stuff out of the storage shed in the backyard and get it inside. Not really looking forward to dealing with all that stuff, plus the spiders that likely infest the shed. 

But on the plus side, it's a work out. I've been quite enjoying my energy boost and newfound muscle-building abilities. 

Only a few therapy sessions remain. Guess I should come out to more people while I have the support. 

Anyway, not going to bother with a quotation since I'm on mobile. 

 

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Blind Pig/ Foeder No. 222
6/14/2019 | 0 comments

 

Oops, skipped a week there. I really wanted to finish up writing Coachella things, but obviously never got around to it.

Speaking of, I managed to snag Coachella passes for next year. Honestly, they're still on sale, so anyone can snag them. I bought a wristband and a car camping pass for both weekends. I really missed not doing both this year.

So since I haven't written since 5/31, I haven't gone into what these last two weeks of Testim gel has brought me (my old trip journal has become my new transition journal, and I've been keeping daily notes).

First thing I got was breakouts, which have only increased in number. I've never had great skin, but also never had a great skincare routine, and I've always dealt with breakouts and knew they'd be getting worse, but this is quite surprisingly bad already. I might have to ask about a medication at my check-up. Or perhaps just up my skincare game.

Second thing I noticed was an increase in energy. I just want to do stuff. I've been scrubbing floors at work and carrying water buckets from the inflatable pool to the plants at home. I cleaned our fridge for two hours and had a good time doing it. I don't feel as fatigued, and my legs get much less tired walking. I even chose to walk the steep Hermosa hills as part of our walk this week. The downside is that I'm having trouble sleeping, but I'm going to slowly work the time I put the gel on to earlier in the day. I started with middle of the afternoon because I'm pretty much always at home at this time, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's giving me an evening energy boost, in the way that caffeine would.

I'm also happy do stuff because I can feel myself getting stronger. About ten days in, I could already see a new bicep bulge, and I find them to indeed be growing at an alarming rate. There was a time a decade or so ago when I would do weight training and pound protein drinks on the daily, but I'm already bigger than I ever was on an estrogen-based system. It's kind of absurd, and very unfair. Anyway, the biceps are the most noticeable so far, but I can tell muscle in increasing all over. I'm curious to go to my weigh-in. I've weighed pretty much the same for probably 15 years or so. My pants size hasn't changed yet, but I gotta think I'll weigh a bit more by then.

So that's that side of things. Socially, I'm still being quite avoidant. Mom and sis got back from Ireland Tuesday night, and I saw them when I got in from work Wednesday morning. Mom asked if I could take her to the train station, and the only way it would work out was if she came with me to my therapy appointment and just hung about while I went in. I'd already told the therapist that if I was driving, I'd bring my dog, so we also took along Ripley, and mom walked her as she waited.

But as a result of that, mom saw where I was seeking help from. She only asked if it was one-on-one, and I said it was. We didn't say anything else about it as we drove up to Van Nuys.

We got In-N-Out and sat at the station in the shade with the dogs as we waited. She told me a bit more about Ireland. She's got tons of pictures to show me. Sounds like a place I would love to visit.

Just before boarding, she hugged me and told me she loves me just as I am, then self-corrected to say however I am. Said she knows it's something I've been struggling with for a long time, and that she just wants to help however she can. I'd slipped our correspondence book with my recently-written passage on what's going on into her backpack, so that's also out there now.

So that's done. It didn't feel relieving, or anything. It bothers me that I can't bring myself to have this conversation with the people I need to have it with. I just don't want to talk about it. I'm kinda hoping at some point, people just kind of figure it out on their own. The social stuff sucks, particularly for anti-social me. This is why I've been avoidant of the entire situation for years. So...interesting summer ahead.

Hawaii sister and family is visiting this weekend. She got in this morning while I was at work. We'll be meeting for food tonight, then hanging out tomorrow before she takes the family up to visit my mom. Then I'll visit dad Sunday, what with it being Father's Day and all.

And the work on the house might start next week.

Yeah, I guess I'm slightly overwhelmed right now.

 

You can learn to follow the inner self, the inner physician that tells you where to go. Healing is simply attempting to do more of those things that bring joy and fewer of those things that bring pain.

- O. Carl Simonton

 

Transmigration of Souls/ Trickster
5/31/2019 | 0 comments

 

Sunday after work I hung out with Scott. We saw "Booksmart," a fun comedy with two young female leads. It was an end-of-high-school story, at times reminiscent of "Can't Hardly Wait" (though lacking the ensemble cast). Well acted and directed, good soundtrack, overall funny.

Tuesday took my sister to the airport for her trip to Ireland. She'll be gone for two weeks.

Therapy Wednesday. Still not sure how one is supposed to build self-esteem. Picked up my box of 30 Testim tubes from the pharmacy while there.

Thursday I had my letter writing meeting. It was a "group" meeting, and six were scheduled, but there were only two of us, both seeking the same procedure. The whole thing would've taken half an hour if done one-on-one, but for whatever reason it was done as a group and took a bit over an hour to give them our details (why again do I have to go over private details in front of other people who have no business in knowing them?) while the hosts went into unnecessary explaining (like they started by telling us what they were going to be talking about - why not just starttalking, then?).

Anyway, I'll be getting my letter in a month or so to give to my insurance company so that they'll help with the payment for chest masculinization surgery. I have a surgeon in mind, but perhaps should look at a couple others. But I can book a consultation whenever I want to. Except first I have to tell my mom that she's, uh...going to be taking care of me when I get this procedure done (so I also have to tell her I'm getting it done, haha).

I'd been hoping to get a question I have answered at the meeting, but I didn't get an answer. I was wondering, in regards to hormones and their effects on skin and healing, if it would be better to have an estrogen-based system or a testosterone-based one. But given that I don't plan on ever going around without a shirt on and am intending to cover everything in tattoos, anyway, it doesn't particularly matter, I suppose. Both hormonal systems heal.

So I went ahead and used my first gel tube today. If nothing else, it's an experiment into the mind-body connection, akin to my other experiments with things like meditation, psychedelics, or body suspension. It's a self-test that I have to perform. If I like it, I can go on. If I don't, well then at least I'll have tried.

We shall see.

 

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. 

- Frederick Douglass

Palama/ The Waldos' Special Ale
5/25/2019 | 0 comments

 

Drove up the coast Sunday afternoon after work. It was an easy drive. Very pretty, with the greens of the hills finally giving away to yellows. The burn areas have recovered quite nicely. It even rained in patches.

Took Ripley this time, as mom said it was ok to bring her. We stopped at Rincon on the way up, and the dogs got to run along the beach. Sabrina has figured out that Ripley doesn't much like getting into the water, so she'll go in when she wants to get away from her annoying "little sister".

Mom and I had jackfruit tacos that night, which were tasty. We sat outside for a bit, until it started raining on us, and got the dogs around the path on-leash.

It happened to be close to the full moon again. Every time I go up, this seems to happen. So the time was quite low when we went down to the beach Monday morning. The dogs got to enjoy the tide pools, and Sabrina ended up in a pool which was much deeper than she expected and got wet all-over, which she otherwise tends to avoid. It was a beautiful morning and we had a nice walk.

Drove back along Highway 1, which I never do in that area. We got some amazing cinnamon rolls, and then mom had me go with her to the weed depot so she could show me what it was like. Very Apple Store-y. She had to pickup weed gummies for the trip she's taking to New York and Ireland with her sisters.

Unfortunately I was in PMDD mode, and have this whole transition thing weighing on my shoulders. I didn't want to tell her before the trip, so I've told her whatever it is that's going on with me will be discussed when she gets back from that. She promises support (even monetary, if I need it) and says she just wants her kids healthy and happy.

The drive back to LA Monday afternoon was also pretty easy. Did the usual Tuesday strand walk and ran errands before returning home.

Didn't have therapy on Wednesday as I have been, as the councilor had something else going on.

Thursday I had my doctor's appointment first thing in the morning. Asked about HRT and was told I could go on it as soon as that morning. She said they normally start with shots, but I asked for gel since it's daily and I want to be as level as I can possibly be. My 25-or-so years of dealing with PMDD has me very weary of any sort of changes. My request was granted.

Got blood drawn for a couple of tests and filled out more paperwork. Went down to the pharmacy, but the prescription wasn't going to be ready for 90 minutes or so. I'll pick it up before my next therapy appointment. Anyway, I don't think I'll be starting with it for another week or so. Mom's just left for three weeks, and my voice is likely to be one of the first things to change, and I don't want it to be changing before I've had a chance to tell her what's going on.

The morning was overcast and cool, so I took the dogs to Runyon, which is just a few blocks away from the Center. We did the easy loop, but I was feeling great by the bottom and wishing we'd done the more difficult one. Oh well, the dogs still had lots of fun.

Nothing too exciting since, but that's still a pretty exciting week. Tomorrow I'll hang out with Scott for food and a movie. Later this week brings my appointment to get my surgery letter. So things are going pretty full-steam ahead, at least for a process that's already taken a year and will be taking several more.

And Desert Daze still hasn't announced its lineup, ugh.

 

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

- Anatole France

Petition


What's your favorite word?

The following people signed this petition:

Hespera "(No!)"
bena "(forgiven)"
barcode "(excellent exercise, I like it, but it's too difficult for me )"
firelust
joseph "(haid)"
HoboEnigmaMe "(Veggie Egg Rolls ...Mmmmm)"
tar-nuh "(hai)"
Cerra "(No.)"
Sludge "(Edification)"
northern lights "(filament)"
Raaji "(succulent OR hibiscus)"
cenobite "(burgle)"
snodogj "(cunt.)"
bodybuilderef "(yes)"
Pheonix "(babydoll)"
bubbadduck "(fuck)"
instigator "(penis)"
prettypinkkitty007 "(constitute)"
ParadoxBaby "(paradox)"
wyrd "(megszentségteleníthetetlenkeskedéseitekért)"
wela meohewa "(fabulous )"
karakins "(Luxurious)"
Sara_Timberlake "("cunt"...it's a very powerful word.)"
sam gideon "(wrought)"
Kaitlyn "(ineffable)"
bridge "( )"
Kyrenna "(wanderlust)"
SIN "(ubiquitous)"
iFeLLdown "(caramelldansen.)"
supercute "(ubiquitous & esoteric)"
kaz "(Hi!)"
BendtheGlass "(embolism)"
Stupid_Girl "(doi)"
choice "(paradigm)"
Curt "(awesome)"
.caitlin. "(Flaps)"
ShaggyDope "(the most versitile word in the english language, fuck.)"
Bexi "(fuck)"
LittleOne83 "(Restitution....it's a work thing!)"
AshleyBrass "( )"
samma "(Flutter.)"
shutup "(ohhhhh)"
-Matt- "(fuck!)"
merrry "(Stitch-my husband's nickname)"
jaymazing "(clavix)"
Pure-Fiction "(Hello friend!)"
Orgasmic Fantasy "(moist)"
rarr.ae "(chimerical! i just figured it out about a month ago. yours?)"
rayneofsorrow "(manuver)"
Whitespace "(Perspicuity.)"
wiccan3 "(That's what she said... -referring to dodgy things only though-)"
VEAL "(sphincter)"
sane "(sasafras)"
Diskonnektie "(ej thankuu. god, you've had a suspension, what's the feeling like)"
Katkutia "( )"
Shevek "(klem)"
IronChef "(twat just say it and it makes you smile)"
eva "(swell, counterintuitive, longing)"
yarddog "(one of these I HAVEN'T signed!)"
xaqari15 "(zowie)"
strawberry "(douche)"
ducttapedave "(i like frood.)"
Jeanna "(dang'it)"
aniorange "(rosebud)"
Calamity "(pantaloon)"
ashbat "(BEVERAGE)"
Scenester "(awesometastic)"
KatePrayer "(motherfucker)"
edcunard "(inchoate)"
Lizzard "(FUCK!!!)"
ambrosia "(hey thnaksfor saying hi i'm new to iam and am a little lost!!)"
Jake "(I don't have just one. I just learnt "coquelicot", though.)"
paulo4127 "(bollucks)"
chemically_lobotomized "(cockamamie - yay for House fans!!!)"
JuuL "(Berserk)"
EoniAbstract "(projection)"
Sad Squid "(i do say awesome a lot. seriously...a lot. )"
deadly pale "(atemberaubend - nicely hard and with a cool meaning)"
snoogans "(fwang)"
scamp "(onomatopoeia always makes me giggle)"
Ernest "(uncertainty)"
goomy "(honeybunny)"
Mr.me "(Finkelstein)"
vizante "(needle)"
freakz "(champingnon)"
lost girl "(smooshed.)"
bexrox "(rain)"
tlw "(I still pick animals over people. At least they care.)"
Mangaartist "(I have a lot, I LOVE English words, it isn't my 1st language.)"
PiercingBunny "(Shit!)"
HEDGEHOG51 "(GNARLY)"
sugarNspice "(sweet)"
level3stud "(undulating)"
allison_scout "(heebeejeebee's)"
TripleHelix "(Syzygy, because it's structurally perfect)"
firstluff "(scadink " move it a scadink to the left")"
Rumball "(philanphropist)"
ununseptium "(authenticity)"
Holly Bo "(Spork)"
an0nymous_vamp1re "(Ni)"
Della "(It's a toss-up between "maelstrom" and "dichotomy.")"
jazzybean "(proper - i'm cornish )"
bruxa "(I'm old Gregg!)"
hobo soup "(moist.)"
Satans_Angel "(schooch)"
manini "(love)"
amberlynne "( )"
helanus "(weasel!!)"
KIVAKA "(love)"
tyger burning bright "(why?)"
radical kiba "(snarly)"
jonathandoe "(hella)"
Zee "(Smock!)"
Nermal "(Shenanigans)"
The Hektik1 "(cheedle )"
MrNoModifications "(Feierabend)"
s_a_h_mommy "(flibbertigibbit)"
Golem37 "(Cooter)"
fetch "(gravy)"
postblue_ "( )"
fuck_life "(RAD)"
brokken "(what ever word fits?)"
Blood Roses "(ambiguous)"
Lofty "(Seriously. )"
hailshimmer "(New favourite is AHOY!)"
Daddy "(Sharks!)"
vivica "(GollyGeeWillakers!!)"
Mentabolism "(Fantastic)"
yurmomnaked "(fuck, shit, or cunt)"
JustJen "(Fastidious )"
brute "(your calvin and hobbes tattoo is the best thing i have ever seen!)"
xdollfacexpiex "(Cunt I know it's bad but I love it!)"
*Stitch* "(so many good ones...um i'm going to say taco)"
Myko "(fhqwhgads)"
Miss Gabrielle "(Bloody, Bah!, and Pissy.)"
phoenixxx "(smarmy)"
Raphael EN "(hiricow !)"
oddbod "(pain)"
GnomeChomsky "(triflin')"
angelicfruitcake "(Snout! Or crocodile...)"
HighLevel "(Goeiendag)"
Sugar "(Apoplectic)"
cadaver "(guillotine. my bf's current favourite is verisimilitude)"
autumn "(Moist)"
rusu "(Bubble. But I use the work 'wanker' an awful lot.)"
MizzGrell "("Crap")"
DragonHeart "(pie!)"
shadowsidetattoos "(cheers dude, like your tatts)"
steveinthesun "(DESKS)"
SamanthaM "(tits)"
vonfaust "(at the moment 'homonymn')"
Bot "(Bitchin')"
DrGreenThumb "(Hella)"
Mike Dimas "(fun)"
residue "(Swiss Army Knives ftw!)"
Killer Bee "(Dang- because i once heard a 19 month old say it )"
Blitzkid196 "(queue.)"
DreamsOfJade "(pervert. i dont know why. just is hhaahahahaha)"
dejennarate "(efficacy)"
atatattoo "( )"
Dawnie "( )"
nadineynuisance "(cunt)"
Hollywood "(triceratops)"
jessecake "( )"
Malvenkemo "(My favourite French words are pneu and pamplemousse. )"
namicoj "( )"
Stitch Faced Angel "(Strudle)"
pierced-boy "(love)"
Dreadlocksmile "(apocalyptic)"
doxgukka "(monkey)"
george_the_ballerina "(saucy)"
xJessiCUNTx "(cunt)"
Chronics "(cunt)"
Povallsky "(See, I was thinking of getting an adamantium helmet...)"
clubberdude1981 "(Merge)"
Fuzz "(Cuntwhapple)"
Cmhionn "(Skwerl)"
11 "(Murmel)"
The_Voodoo_Dolly "(abso-fucking-lutely)"
ColeMine "(discombobulated)"
Emily Post-Punk "(slyboots)"
Tovie "(quixotic)"
nekokichi "(cunt)"
:with love and squalor: "(conundrum)"
KnifeInTheMarathon "(suamaetrepanofiadaputa)"
BeccaMonster "(Wonky)"
ookumbubbleoo "( )"
Chadgrisly "(Obscure)"
majikan "(kutjes)"
the pierced russian "(fuck)"
Nero "(kluge)"
Amadahy "(aight)"
evilpixie "(discombobulate because it has Disco and Bob)"
ShesSoVaVaVoom "(kumquat)"
Mythology "(outlandish)"
ColdSweat "(Cockbadger)"
fluffyreptile "(cooder)"
dboard9 "(Nipples.)"
brian.johnson "(prehensile)"
Morgue "(Turmoil)"
Jemma.m "(flannel!)"
())crayon))> "(sleep)"
Somech1ck "(fuck)"
DIY'er "(Arrrrrr!)"
livid "(llama)"
AnotherBleedingHeart "(therefore)"
EziliGede "(fuck-nut)"
Kid Presentable "(crapshoot)"
Crowned Dragon "(pernicious)"
nufger "(success)"
jody "(murder)"
blackwinghalo "(spanakopita)"
Funky "(funkadelic)"
FauxPas "(Indubitably)"
Chevo "(FUCK)"
Knulp "(quark)"
chickadee2084 "( )"
Caroline June "(Litotes)"
Auryn "( )"
Celticgent "(YES.)"
soulmom "(shenanigans & bombardment)"
second place "(snow)"
Snow White "(crumbs, cunt and jinkies)"
TattoedMat "( )"
XkuruX "(irrelevant)"
asphixiation "(Coitus. Why isn't it used more now? Thanks for signing!)"
SVEN "(thats money)"
shpluck "(portal)"
verve729 "(Soliloquy)"
kermee "(stuff)"
Jinxed "(No)"
Alledria "(currently it's "effusive")"
fieryn "(epitome)"
Jareb "(cunt.... sorry, but i love it!!!!!)"
Hail "(boobies)"
MartiniBuiltForTwo "(fuck- or trepidation )"
asparagus "(banana)"
DrLouLou "(Hello hello!)"
Leroy "(Smeg)"
blackandblue "( )"
ConchyMcBleed "(brrrmmmm)"
MsNightingale "( )"
dazedeagle "(shit. I say it all the time, I have a shit problem.)"
Elfling "(thank you for the birthday wishes!!! )"
Melissa "(shitass)"
little_miss_pirate "(bangle)"
christina bo bina "(bologna!)"
perpetual "(chicken eye and seductive)"
luckyshamrock "(whiplash and i like guttersnipe too)"
no_pants "(Blech!)"
JennaG "(ooze)"
Stardust "(achtung- a German word that sounds like projectile vomiting =D)"
color me blood red "(shit)"
indigo_dream "(quite)"
dopesong "(anaesthetic)"
Kittie.Lee "(Audacity)"
Glow "(Monty Python??? I never made it through any of them.. I suck. )"
The_Prophet "(Antidisestablishmentarianism)"
filosofadelaspollas "(hullabaloo)"
kit33 "(Twitterpated or Incognito)"
GypsyDissident "(Cooch)"
ctlnpg "(diminutive.)"
Cerberus_the_dog "(Shag)"
deadinblood "(rediculous)"
Jenna Saisquoi "(discombobulated)"
TMHahn "("fuckheads" has been relevent recently.)"
ivy "("fuck" for t3h w1n!!!)"
solocard "(moist...)"
Mrs Wolf "(Innigkeit)"
deadvin "(exudate)"
MYBLUDWING69 "(supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)"  

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