We all make mistakes. Mistakes are an integral part of life. They're how we learn, how we discern the good from bad, right from wrong. They help us to constantly evolve, and I think, if most of us could look back, we would be thankful that we've had those mistakes to teach us where we're going and what we want in life.
At A Glance Author Faerie Contact Faerie@bme.anon IAM Faerie When Two years ago Artist shall remain nameless Studio Philadelphia Eddy's Tattoo Convention Location Philly, PA Except that we often don't take the time to reflect on them. That is, until you make one that smacks you right in the face, so to say.
But that's exactly what I did. I made a permanent mistake.
Those are not the kind you want to be making.Let me digress.
Like many of the people on BME, I'm absolutely in love with body modification. It's one of those things that for an unexplainable reason, just feels right. It always has, and I assume it always will. So of course, as the story goes, I had been getting pierced from my mid-teens, and convinced my parents to allow a small, yet easily hidden tattoo a few months before my 18th birthday as a graduation gift. Nothing major, although you can bet I had plans.
Now, I'm not sure exactly what it was – maybe my parents, who, have always been more against than for any body modification; maybe my Jewish heritage; maybe just my personality and the fact that while I've never been one to conform, I was never one to stand out or rebel ... somewhere along the line it created exactly the right mix for my own personal fear that getting any 'real' (read: visible) permanent modification would somehow cause me to get in trouble or fail. Not so much with my family or my friends, but maybe with the world or society itself. Irrational, absolutely, but nonetheless, it was something in my head that I couldn't get away from.
Enter college 03-04: Its mid-freshman year, I'm 18, and in the midst of planning a decent sized snowflake tattoo across my hips with an artist I trust. We haven't set a date, so it gives me time to assuage my (irrational) fears. I've wanted the tattoo since I was 15, so I feel reasonably sure that I won't regret it, and it's big enough for me to be happy with, yet in a place that I can hide if I need to. I feel like I can't lose.
I go to school in New Jersey, so when February rolled around my roommate and I decided to go to the Philadelphia Eddies tattoo convention. Keep in mind, neither of us had ever been to a tattoo convention before. What did we know, these two sheltered, suburban girls from Maryland?
Maybe that's where the problem started. I will be the first to admit, I felt really out of place, seeing as though we were easily the least tattooed people in the entire convention.
As it were, we ended up having a good time. I was able to spend some time talking to Eric Merrill (the artist doing my snowflakes), and a tattoo artist by the name of PJ from Electric Ladyland took us under his wing; making a huge difference in helping us feel not so out of place.
So when the we arrive the next day and PJ suggests that I get a tattoo ... well, the atmosphere, my feeling of not quite belonging, even though this was where I knew I should fit in ... in hindsight, this is the part where I should be hitting myself on the head going stupid, stupid, stupid!, but hindsight is 20/20, and the present, unfortunately, is not.And I really wanted it, don't get me wrong. This, I thought, this would be breaking that barrier I was always afraid to cross. It was perfect.
It turned out to be anything but perfect.
I spent the next couple hours looking though portfolios and asking for recommendations. I knew that Eric would be doing snowflakes along my hip so I figured that another one to set it off would be the perfect thing. Even though the tattoo itself was rash, I had wanted the subject matter for years so I wouldn't regret it, I already knew where I wanted the placement, more would be added, and this would have a personal significance – coming out of my shell and crossing those boundaries that had always scared me – all the factors seemed to be in my favor.
And then finally, I found her. An artist from Florida (who shall remain nameless to protect the not so innocent), with a beautiful portfolio of large, detailed works, and had been recommended by no less than 10 different booths at the convention. I spoke to her, explained what I wanted, and she readily agreed. She sketched out some ideas, all of which looked beautiful. I pointed out what I liked from this one, and what I didn't like from that ... suffice to say that once the tattoo was finished, it looked nothing like what she had drawn on my skin, and even less like what she had drawn on paper.
I was devastated. I didn't know what I had done wrong to end up with a bad tattoo.
In the end, maybe nothing.
My problem was that I hadn't listened to myself.I went into that convention knowing who I was, but allowed myself to doubt that because of a lack of ink. I was 18. In addition to being the least tattooed, I was also easily the youngest person there, with the exception of my roommate. So I allowed myself to do something because I thought it would make me feel more comfortable not only with myself, but with those around me. I thought it would make me fit in. For the first time in my life, I did something specifically to conform. (Most people would find getting a tattoo to conform amusing, I just wanted to cry. I did cry. In the bathroom, for a good 30 minutes immediately after it was finished)
And while it caused me no end of anxiety for the next few months, I can honestly look back and say I'm glad for that mistake. It's taught me that who I am (neuroses and all) is not a bad thing and that I should never demean it. I thought that I could somehow be me through other means, but in the end, all that is, is trying to be someone else. And I don't ever want to be anyone else but me.
And so that the story does have a happy ending, Eric did a beautiful cover-up, which is more than I had expected out of the original piece we had planned. I was extremely fortunate that my mistake was able to be covered perfectly, and am thankful for it every time I look at my tattoo. And Eric is currently working on my first really big visible tattoo. And I can't wait.