Ever since I read a text by Jim Ward about him self-piercing his nipples I knew I wanted to try it myself. I thought that it would be much easier for me than to him - he did not have any professional piercing tools at that time - I do have them; he didn't know too much about that due to the time and social attitude toward body modifications - I could read up as much as possible and look at as many pictures as I wanted. I just knew I wanted to do that and Jim Ward was kinda inspiring for me - if he, as a total neophyte to all this piercing stuff could do it, I also could. Was I arrogant? Maybe a little but I didn't think Jim Ward did not know things, I just knew he was in a much more difficult position back then.
At A Glance Author Ania Contact Ania@bme.anon IAM deadly pale When A month ago Artist Jacek Studio tattoo.pl Location Poznan, Poland The method was settled, the inspiration source was in one of Jim Ward's wonderful articles. Now I only had to choose the right moment. I decided to wait for a very important message I expected. It could be very positive and in such a case my piercings would commemorate my "victory". It could be, however, devastating and then it would help me to cope with my despair. So I waited.
The message turned out devastating although not the way I expected. All I remember from this horrible day is stamping my feet, screaming at the top of my lungs and sobbing to the point of choking. I spent some time on sitting in the middle of the forest and crying desperately - all this message thing was just so unexpected and unfair.
When I got home, frozen to the bone and numb from crying, I got there knowing one thing - I had to pierce myself to get rid of the mental pain, I had to pierce myself to get over with my despair and to find a new strength to try again.
I prepared my clamps, a needle, a cbr and a barbell (still not really sure what to choose as jewelry). I do remember my shaking legs and eyes blinded with tears, and this choking sobbing sound deep down my throat. I pushed slowly, clenching my teeth and breathing deep in and out. When it was through I could see how crooked it turned out. It's really difficult to pierce your own nipples and I was the perfect example of that.
I took a few pictures of my crooked nipple piercing (eventually I decided to use a 14ga barbell)and kept it for a month. I felt much stronger with it as it gave me some new power and showed me that, no matter what, I still posses something I can control - my body. But it wasn't the right time and I wasn't really ready for that. My horizontal, left nipple piercing lasted only one month. There was not any warning sign - I slept on that, I did not baby it too much and everything still looked all right. And then, one day, I woke up with pain and saw a weird kind of lump on the nipple. It was painful and made me uneasy. I decided to take the barbell out and pierce something else to make up for this loss.
An almost year passed and I did not waste this time in any regard - I kept developing my skills and learning new ones. I tried new things and liked them. I had some personal accomplishments and a few painful disappointments. During these months I got some new piercings and found out whom I can let pierce my body. I also decided to give "something" another try and worked on it as hard as possible.
I was supposed to try this vague "something" in October and, while on my way there, I decided to pierce my nipples, this time professionaly.
Jacek is my piercer of choice. I know him for only a few months now but I know he's skillful and quick in the uptake. He pierced and then dermal punched my septum, upgraded my tongue (it's not impressive but always worth a few words)and dermal punched my ear cartilage. I am still proud to be the one who introduced him to dermal punching and was his first guinea pig in this regard. I know I can trust him as a piercer. I also kinda like him as a person and really like to talk to him about things we have in common (i.e. body piercing and tattoos) and other things we are both interested in. So he was the one I wanted to pierce my body again.
I discussed possible placements with him on the phone. The question was not too broad or complex - basically which way to go, horizontally or vertically? When I was thinking about my nipples, I used to see them pierced horizontally but only because it's the most popular variation of the nipple piercing (or so I think). I am not the originality freak and the fact vertical nipples are somewhat rarer was not the most important reason to take this route. It was just that at some point I decided to get them done vertically. And why both of them at once? I am radical and I always want all or nothing. I could live for a month with one crooked nipple piercing but I was not going to live with one professionally done straight nipple piercing *lol*.
My appointment date rolled around and I went to Poznan. As I was on my way to Berlin then, I set the appointment on the afternoon - thus I had my appointment and then enough time to get to a railway station to catch my train to Berlin. I spent a really nice day in Poznan, visited a museum and then went to Jacek's studio. On my way there I bought some snacks for him and his brother who is a tattooist there. I always do that and it always seems to make them nicely surprised.
I was the last customer on this Friday. We hung out for a while with me showing off, with terrible pride, one of my BME reviewer t-shirts and Jacek listening to my enthusiastic rambling about my hobbys. Then we went to his room to let the fun begin.
My tongue was first and I made jokingly reproachful remarks about him not willing to pierce my tongue - thus the only way to go is gauging my only tongue piercing. This time we went from 12ga to 10ga. Jacek had a taper on hand as he expected some resistance and possible problems. Surprisingly, there was not any and a few seconds after removing my 12ga bar I could enjoy a new 10ga one. Sadly and weirdly enough, I did not feel any difference except the fact that this new bar is slightly shorter and I really like a bit longer tongue barbells.
Now there was time for real fun. As his piercing room does not have any solid doors Jacek brought some black *lovely* curtains to cover the glass door of the room and also covered the window. After these practical and crucial (despite me being the only piercee and some tattooed guy in another room) preparations Jacek asked me to remove my shirts (plural - it's quite cold in Poland in October), made sure which way I wanted to have my nipples pierced and marked my chest.
When I was thinking about it beforehand I wondered about embarassment factor, whether I would feel comfortable with removing my shirt and bra in front of a guy who I do not know either too long or too well. To my surprise it was not a problem at all - I was standing there, topless and in quite a weird position for all "normal" people and I did not feel embarassed at all. We kept talking about mods and stuff all the time. Meanwhile I approved placements, laid down on the black doctor bed and was ready to get pierced. Simple and natural, is it not?
My left nipple was first and even if I had some prior, even though aborted, experience with nipple piercing the pain surprised me. It was weird and not what I expected. Jacek uses, like most European piercers I guess, canula needles and that is what still surprises me. I do not think it really matters in regard of comfort during the procedure but it lasted a few seconds and I felt how my body tensed to deal with the pain. I am tall and, thanks to this fact, was able to set my feet hard against the opposite wall to distract myself somehow from the pain inflicted on my nipple. I also felt some resistance before the needle exited the piercing. Well, I usually enjoy the pain during the piercing ( did not bat my eyelashes during dermal punching my ears at 6mm) but this time I was glad it was over. Inserting jewelry (14ga barbell) was really fast and we were ready for the right nipple.
I changed my position on the bed and tried to prepare mentally for the next piercing. Most people say it is worse than the first one and in my case it proved to be true. Everything was done the same way - careful placing the clamps (which, may I add, was not painful at all), taking a new needle, inserting it into my nipple, me setting my feet hard against the wall, this weird sharp pain and ... I found myself asking him to stop for a sec or two... I still do not know why I did it. I just had to. Then he resumed piercing and everything was over - cutting the canula, exchanging the needle for a shiny bar and only a slight reminiscence of pain.
I felt really bad about letting Jacek see I felt the pain. I hate that and I am usually pretty tough. Jacek dealt with that pretty well, though. He just said that it is pretty okay and otherwise he would worry about me *lol*.
Dressing my new piercings with gause was a matter of a few seconds and after that I could hang out with the guys again. We talked about various things, I looked over some German magazines with articles about the studio and then joked about their (in)famous personal approach toward their clients and discussed my tattoo project with Slawek, a tattoo artist there.
Bad and not recommendable how it is, I could not wash my nipples for next 24 hours - constantly on the way from Poznan to Berlin and then back, staying at a crappy (but cheap) German hotel and my own mental and physical exhaustion did not give me any opportunities to do that. When I got home I washed myself thoroughly and could start enjoying my new piercings.
For a first few days they were sore and bled once. At the beginning of the healing process I used Rivanol (as I did on my septum and cartilage piercing); a bit later I switched to bath salt as I was not able to get sea salt. I figured out that bath salt must be pretty much the same thing as sea salt (okay, plus some extras to get some nice fragrance etc) with all its micro- and macroelements. I do not know how it works on others but in my case it seems to work really well. A month after getting my nipples done they are not painful at all. There is no puss, lymph or anything of that kind. This time it seems to be the right time and the right person.
And where is the "closing the circle" thing? I did my first, crooked nipple piercing out of despair and disappointment. I did it because I wanted to forget, even if only for a while, about my mental pain. My new nipple piercings show me that there is always a new route to take, a new monster to tackle and new challenge to try. Hard as it is, not everything we strive for can be achieved and not always our hard work is rewarded. The first piercing was gotten to obliterate, even if only for a while, my disappointment and crashed hope; these new ones were gotten to prove myself that I am still alive and still have something to defy. What started as failure, disappointment and self-hatred ended as an affirmative, kind and uplifting gesture toward myself. Not only swords are double-edged, barbells can be that way as well.