I'd like to write about what my mods mean to me this time. If you want to read on, just know I'm going "out there" in this piece because, hey, why not? I'm going to discuss some Buddhistic and semiotic concepts as they relate to body mods, but I'll try to explain what I mean as best I can. I find the concepts I use enhance my understanding and sense of meaning. It would be simple enough to just write a report of what I've done, but I feel like sharing some further thoughts for those who might be interested. Just to put it out there, I am very analytical and increasingly more spiritual in my perspectives, but not religious in the modern sense of the word.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact anonymous@bme.anon When A year ago Artist myself Studio home I've written in the past about my meatotomy and apadravya experiences. The mods I've done over the years on my penis have been part of an evolving process of personal expression. I recall finding my first pictures of subincisions and bisections back when I discovered BME in 1997 and ever since I've been interested in them. Even last year, I still had a partial meatotomy and a hole on the ventral side of my penis from my first mod, a prince albert piercing I gave myself 12 years ago! Then last January I decided to finally complete the meatotomy. For me, it came after some deliberation: I would lose the ability to have my longer apadravya bar and I wasn't sure what it would do for my urine stream—though that was already pretty affected just by the 4 gauge lower hole I was cutting open.
I used the clamp and cut method. It wasn't painless, but the pain was transmuted by the imminent sense I felt of my body's "becoming" a new level of sexual self-expression. For me, this sense of expression through my body has always been the greatest motivator for my mods. It excites me to shape the form of my sexual organs, and thus metaphorically to shape the aspects of my identity that those organs do bestow upon me.
To explain that idea let me express a central belief I hold: that I inhabit this world through the composite manifestation of my ego and my body. Though the former is incorporeal and the latter is-- by definition-- corporeal, both are temporary and illusory from a spiritual perspective, and yet both are also the vehicles for the experiences by which my soul makes its journey through this life.
Without body, we can't play out the physical permutations of the universe and run the ego program. Without the ego program, we can't give meaning to the experiences of existing within this physical reality. Without the soul/the eternal "I" that experiences reality yet that has no particular identity, there is nothing to do the experiencing.
I think that my ego is the necessary gateway through which I can connect to others and understand the world and myself, to experience joy, sadness and everything in-between. In other words, I think, the ego has its uses. The point isn't to run away from it or be it entirely. If you've studied any Buddhism you'll also recognize that this is considered the "middle path," though I tend to run outside that box too.
How does this connect with body modification? Because the body and the ego are linked: While my body is necessary to exist on the physical plane of reality and run the ego program in my brain, it is also socially and personally my "avatar" for this physical reality; that is, it carries signs that signify meaning to my ego and others around me. I can alter and modify those signs that my body expresses in ways that further signify important meanings to me. While the cultural anthropological analyses on body mods that I've seen tend to look at the body more within a cultural context, I'd like to look at it at a more personal/spiritual and inter-personal level.
I like to modify my body to express and experience more fully all the qualities of this journey I am taking in life. My mods, though they may seem minor in comparison to many, are just what I want and need to express myself as I desire.
The body-as-is that we are born with already carries many signs due to the cultural and social contexts we live in. This is especially true for the sexualized parts of the body. As a not-so-hetero-normative yet heterosexual man, I have found that there are few easy-to-adopt categories of identity for people like me. I'm not quite "straight" in the normative sense, but I'm not a lot of identities either. I've never found a good fit where I felt I could be "of" any group—yet I have always seen BME as a place to share perspectives with similar folk, however you define yourselves. There is something special beyond just culture-in-the traditional sense within the concept of the body mod community.
Modification acts and the resulting mods are signs, and they carry the signifiers for me of self-acceptance and being accepting of my sexuality and its role in my life. For one thing, they heal the sense of being written upon unwillingly by circumcision (a ghastly procedure to do to an infant on par with Kafka's short story, The Executioner!). My mods also signify, "I will experience my sexuality as a love of difference and acceptance, of the beauty of the connection it creates and the power of the sexual exchange." How? By signifying to myself and my partners, "I (and you) can create my (or your) own bodily aesthetic."
That is important because if the body signifies meanings for the ego, then the fact that I can change my body means I can change my ego. My mods are the signs for this. Going back to the more spiritual perspective, since my ego is malleable and changeable, it is separate from the eternal "I" that exists and experiences life. My mods serve to remind me that my ego is a conduit for my spirit's becoming. It is not good or bad, but necessary for experience. My ego is not set in stone, unable and powerless to change, to express my better nature. When I am cognizant of this, my heart is more open and I am more aware of myself and others. I experience my mods every day; this aids me in my practice of greater self-awareness. Modification is a spiritual as much as sexual practice for me.
I have found through my body modification experiences that the more semiotic and spiritual aspects of my mods and the heightened experiences of sexual enjoyment are interconnected. There isn't a dividing line between them. They are all parts of the experiences I am to have throughout my life. Linked by meaning and feeling, my mods and my awareness together help me to experience life in a different and profound way. And they look awesome!