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So Ashamed

I have discussed cutting with my close friend many times in the past. Most of the stories are hers. One is mine. I carved a "D" into my knee in the 8th grade. I felt so stupid. It was just for attention. I mean I didn't even like the guy that much, I just felt like being emotional and doing something really stupid. Well at least I only had one sad pathetic attempt at a story, until yesterday. But this one isn't as sad or pathetic, it is just shallow and uncalled for. There was no real reason to do ... read more

My First Real Cutting Experience

For the past 3 years or so I have been fascinated with cutting and blood. I don't know why this became so enthralling to me because it had never really been previously in my life. Maybe it co-occurred with something stressful. It is certainly possible. I have had severe chronic migraines for several years now and many times the pain is relentless. I think cutting became attractive to me, in part, because it could provide me with a psychological and physical release from the head pain. But, that is not the only reason because I have also become more interested ... read more

Marked by Anger

When I was 14, I started doing something I never thought I would do. I'd heard so many stories, and seen so many scars from people who cut themselves to relieve their pain. And at some point, I thought it could help me too. I have always had a bad relationship with my mother. I always felt neglected, and un-loved. And after a while, I realized I was angry at her. I wanted to make her suffer. And as I thought then, the best way to do it, was to hurt myself. I never really intended to hurt myself severely. ... read more

Earning My Star

Even though I know in many cases self-cutting is wrong, I went ahead and did it anyways. This is my story. Take it how you please. I'm not trying to glorify or condone cutting. This is just your average seventeen year old's experience. As an elementary student, everyone always wanted to get that special star on the top of his or her paper. Being a good student, almost to the point of being a suck up, those stars became a part of who I am. It sounds pretty lame, but don't worry, a good ten years have passed and I ... read more

Love leaves scars.

When you're 17 you think you rule the world, you think you know about love, and you think you know about the real world. Chances are, you don't and you know you don't, but you still live your live of friends, sex, drugs & rock n' roll. At 17, you find that 1 guy that catches your eye. That person who causes your heart to skip 2 beats. Love is blind. I met Mike at a party I ditched school for. Well, it wasn't technically a party because only 5 people were there. It was supposed to be a birthday ... read more

My mistake

I often do stupid things when I stop taking lithium and become manic, or hypo-manic. I had been at my friends all night, Cassie, Antonella and I were hanging out watching movies. Afterwards, Ant and I were driving around and I decided to get a tattoo at a shop my friend likes, since the shop I go to was closed and I thought it would be insulting to ask one of the artists there to do such a simple, stupid tattoo. I took money out of the bank. $40 minimum. I figured they'd charge that. I wanted :-\ in arial ... read more

My fingers

People keep asking me why I decided to get three lines branded on my fingers. As usual I have many reasons. But the main on is the fact that I use three lines in my drawings to symbolize pain, past pain, present pain, ANY pain that I've held inside. It has become my symbol for healing over the years since I got my three lines on my chest (tattooed) and now my beautiful brands. The last year was hell on me, I'm manic depressive so I always have ups and downs, but this last summer I got stuck in a ... read more

Not your run of the mill scab

For the record I am well aware of the fact that the settings in which this procedure took place were far from sterile. I was aware of it, but it was my own choice to go through with it. As a teenager I had a lot of not so mainstream interest. The main one that comes to mind is the idea of having designs scared onto my body. I was never a cutter in the sense of having a mental illness that caused it. However, I did cut myself a few times as teenager in an attempt to leave a ... read more

My star scar.. to hide the others

In junior high I started to cut myself, because I was depressed and a freak. Ha-ha, once I realized (in high school) that this was not a good coping technique I stopped but, I was left with quite a few scars in which I found pleasing and others found revolting. It's a simple reminder that I am human and I can get better. Recently I was a little messed up and I and a few friends decided that we should do a friendship thing. So we put out our cigarettes on each other. At the time it was not painful. ... read more

my first professionally done scarification (skin removal)

After thinking about it for a while I decided to get an x in a circle scarred onto my left thigh. I always liked the warning symbols that are on the back of chemical bottles, and went with the x meaning 'irritant' as it's a bold, simple design. I have always liked the way skin removal looks, more so than just cutting, but I didn't know of anyone that I would trust to perform it. Then I got in touch with Samppa and looked at his portfolio and decided that it had to be him who did it. I arrived ... read more

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