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My battle with me.

I'd read a lot about self injury as a kid. It wasn't until I was 11 that I ever tried anything. I remember it all so clearly, you always remember your first cut. I was barely 11 when it happened. My dad was away on a "business" trip in Oregon. My brother discovered my dad was with his secretary, having an affair. I couldn't believe what was happening, I didn't understand why my dad didn't love his family anymore. I couldn't cry about it. No matter how much and how hard I wanted to, I couldn't. So I did what ... read more

For Those Who Don't Understand

Dear those who don't understand, I guess this is hard for me, finally admitting that I have a problem. I still don't think that's what it is but everyone seems to think so. I've been having a Self-Inflicted Violence problem, or SIV for short, since I was around five years old. I never really noticed it because I never thought it was anything wrong. Until just recently I thought what I was doing was something I had just picked up a year ago but, I've never been more wrong. When I was little I use to bite my skin until ... read more

An experience all my own

Two of my biggest fears are heights and being upside down. For my third suspension I chose to go up 4 point knee. I was going to do this no matter what. I decided to do it at the Rites of Passage BBQ on July 3, 2005. It would be outside which I was excited about; I'm not really big on nature but the fact that it was outside gave me a sense of freedom. So that morning I went to Kohl's to pick up something to suspend in. I ended up buying basketball shorts and a black tanktop. Then ... read more

My addiction to self harm.

I was sick of everything. I was fighting with my best friend. My parents were annoyed at me. My sister was pissing me off. I was upset, tears streaming down my face. I felt lonely and angry. Before I knew what I was doing, I had grabbed an earring from my drawer and was grinding it into my hand but it didn't even scrape the surface layer of skin. I just wanted to hurt myself. I had this crazy desire to feel pain. I found a pair of scissors on my book case and dragged them back and forth across ... read more

IT'S TIME TO SWING AND SWAY THE SENIOR CITIZEN WAY - 6pt. Suspension

In my last story "Just A Little Higher and We've Got You" for this Senior Citizen was based on a 2pt chest/4pt back suspension. Bob and I decided to have me try a 6pt back suicide supension later on in summer. It's now August and once again time to throw hooks. Upon completion of this suspension, I will have had 20 hooks inserted into my flesh in the past several months. Our meeting date was changed from the 1st to the 2nd of August. This was due to jobs and scheduling the site. We will hold it at night when ... read more

Pushing Air

I came home one night after visiting with my mother bunch of cars in my driveway and people passing windows in my house. Wondering what the deuce was going on - I began to raise my eyebrows and exit my mom's vehicle. I scampered in the front door and stared - bewildered at my roommate and a small group of friends standing in the basement. The first thing that crossed my mind was that there was a party and I wasn't invited - in my own home no less. I entered the doorway and there layed out on the table ... read more

Play piercing

My ex-lover play pierced me years ago at a play party, and it was a truly eye-opening experience. I expected it to be sexy and interesting; I didn't expect the visions I got, the vivid experiences of another place. I went someplace deep within my own mind, the place I go while dreaming, meditating, or making art. I don't know what the vision meant, exactly, but I know that it made me feel wonderful, and peaceful, and strong, all at once. It was the second play party I'd ever attended. He'd told me when I first came into the SM ... read more

The Fetus Suspension

The "Fetus" Suspension: The fetus suspension originated at my friends' wedding a few months ago. A couple of us from Holy City Suspensions were talking about stupid suspension ideas and I said, sarcastically, that I would hang from my knees and elbows. My girlfriend said, "You would look like a fetus." and that was that. I spent a week or two thinking about, concluding that we couldn't have a suspension that has a name and have no one on the team who had done it, so I figured I would go for it. It took quite a bit of thinking ... read more

Stronger Together

Last year at the Great Lakes BBQ, I decided that I wanted to try play piercing for the first time. I was scared, so I chickened out of doing a lot, and ended up with 5 on my forearm. That experience can be found here, if anyone is interested. I enjoyed it a lot, and realized that the pain was temporary and highly sensational at times. Everytime I looked at the pictures afterwards, I wanted more. So this year for the BBQ, I contacted Aaron ahead of time, in anticipation of more piercings. I was interested in the look of ... read more

recovered cutter

I used to be a cutter when I was fifteen years old. I started because I was so angry and hurt and I could not seem to release it any other way. Nothing made sense to me, the world, school, puberty. I just wanted a way around all the pain. I was sinking low. I felt like my parents did not care and did not want me to have any fun. I was extremely depressed but I would not take my pills every day because I did not believe they worked and or course they did not work because I ... read more

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