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a beautiful experience

I plan to talk about how and why I did my recent cuts, but here is a quick background as it were of previous cutting and mods.

I have 9 piercings to date, 2 ½" lobes, 2 2ga lobes, a septum piercing, 2 nostril piercings, 2 labrets.

I have been harming since I was about 10. When I was younger, I was so shy and didn't have any real friends...I was overweight and so desperate to fit in, I would follow around the popular people in my class even if it lead to ridicule and jokes being made on my behalf. The actual harming began totally out of the blue, one day I was so upset after school, and me being the youngest of 4 children, I couldn't really talk to my sisters about it, I felt they would have no idea what I was talking about and how I felt – so I started banging my head on the wall, which didn't see to help ...I was grinding my teeth in anger and just started biting the back of my hand so hard that blood started rising to the surface of my skin and created a big red blotch on my hand. I was so amazed at how I didn't feel any pain, and how calm I felt afterward, seeing the blood rise was just a revelation. Since that day I have self harmed regularly.

Inevitably, just biting my skin started to become not enough, and as, by this time, I had joined high school – and I began cutting...

Alot of people at my school were harming, several of my friends revealed cuts across their arms, and as bad as it seems, it spurred me on to go to the next level of harming, to draw blood and create some scars on my body. I suppose at first it was a 'cool' thing for me to do, it meant I could identify with other people for a change and connect with them in a way alot of people couldn't.

Pretty soon after, most of these people had stopped harming, for them it was a superficial thing but for me it was a release, and something I had to do. I was experimenting with all kinds of things, scissors, knifes, needles, razors, pens, anything I could get my hands on. I was cutting on my arms up and down, long angry cuts...I saw them and didn't think 'What have I done?' but I saw the beauty in them, I was proud of them almost and to this day have never regretted them.

As I got towards the end of high school, my cutting was reduced and I was beginning to stop, until several personal events changed that. My stepdad was unexpectantly sent to jail...I had no idea why, no one explained anything to about what had happened, and the only reason I found out was there was an article in the paper about him and what he had done. I felt so shut out by my family and shocked at how violent my stepdad had been, and the only way I could cope was my cutting. As I had slowed down, I had thrown away all of my tools I had nothing to cut with, so I found a sharpener and pulled the blade out of it and ran up across my arm, again and again until I felt dizzy with relief. After this my cutting had become regular again, but my sister had begun to notice, as had my dad, and they both confronted me...I broke down and just told them everything about how long it had been going on, I couldn't stop crying, but instead of them shouting at me they both were so comforting
telling me how it was wrong and dangerous, and how I should talk to them. And to be honest, for a few months, I didn't cut and was coping so well.

After this I found piercings, and at every opportunity I got a new piercing, it was like a new release for me and I didn't cut. All of my previous scars had faded and for once I was feeling happy, I had several good friends, my grades were excellent at school and I was gaining a social life.

Until a few months ago I had cut rarely, until I realised I had a problem with my periods, I hadn't had one in over a year and was petrified...I was on the internet and every possibility led to infertility. I spoke to my mum and got a doctor's appointment, but I still had this feeling in me, which I recognised as the urge to cut. I took a knife and on my thigh cut several deep lines. Seeing the blood just had the calming effect I desired, and I lay down just savouring the sting of the cut and the tightening as the blood dried on my leg. I went to the doctors the next day, and was told that it was likely that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome and was booked for a scan.

Knowing this was such a relief but in the back of mind, I enjoyed the cutting. I knew it would happen again so I came on here and looked at ritual cutting, I read alot of the experiences on here, and I began to feel so at ease with what I was to do. I didn't want some meaningless scars but something that I liked and wanted to see carved in my skin, so I found 2 lines of lyrics from one of my favourite songs by Agalloch – 'In the Shadow of our Pale Companion'...

"As I'm stalked by the shadow of death's hand, the fire in my heart is forged across the land"

Knowing what I was doing, I got together some equipment, a razor blade, some antiseptic gel, some dressings, and some tissue paper to clean up. I cleaned the blade (although I probably should have sterilised it...then again I knew I wasn't going to cut deep the first time, and I had antiseptic on hand) and laid everything out in order. I put Agalloch's The Mantle on and began cutting on my right thigh. Each stroke of the blade was magnificent, hardly painful, and my heart was thumping and I had a big smile on my face, I loved the way the blood came so readily and was so warm, the way the bright red raw words looked again my white skin...by the time I was finished, I was on a high, I wiped away any dripping blood and dressed it after taking some pictures of my creation.

This was several hours ago now, and I'm so happy I made the decision to do this, it means so much to me, and although the scabs will fall off and the scars will fade so the words will become unreadable, this experience is something I won't forget, and I'm already planning my next one!

In no way do I encourage what I have done, this is simply an account not something I wish people to copy! Just because some aspects for me have been good doesn't mean it should be repeated...

Sorry if this account is a bit rambling, it all connects to the experience I just had so I guess it is OK...XD!

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 21 Dec. 2008
in Ritual

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Artist: Me
Studio: My+bedroom
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