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I didn't think I could be classed as a self-harmer

As the title explains I didn't think of my self as a self-harmer but after reading other people's experiences I now have a clearer insight of self harm. I've been a self harmer for about 6 years now.

My childhood wasn't easy. My mum battled cancer on and off for 10 years and she died in 2003 when I was 13. We had nursed her at home for the last 5 months of her life and even though it was better having her at home it was so hard watching her getting worse as the months passed. Sometimes when my dad and the nurses were moving her she would be screaming in pain, I had to run outside to escape the horrible noise and to try and block out the noise I would clamp my hands hard over my ears but the noise would be replaying in my brain so I would hit my head over and over to stop the noise. I would go into a frenzy of punching my head and face whilst the tears where streaming down my face. It hurt a lot but the physical pain felt a whole lot better than the emotional pain. This would happen regularly and would sometimes involve me scratching my face and arms or punching any available place on my body. Sometimes when I was that distressed I couldn't remember what I had done to m yself.

After my mum died I didn't self harm for a while but during the summer while my Dad was at work my Gran would come and watch me during the day (I was only 14 remember). My Gran and I get on best when we don't see each other every day. She was trying to turn me into my mum (I think) and she didn't approve of how I was wanting to live my life. One day I had had enough of her bitching so I grabbed my penknife and headed out not knowing what I was going to do. Sitting alone in the woods I started to scratch along my left inner forearm, I didn't like the pain but I wanted to keep going, my jaw was clenched as I thought of every little comment I had heard and cut to the rhythm of my thoughts. Once I felt a little bit calmer I set off home and cleaned myself up. The release at the time felt good to me but it didn't come quick enough. So I had soon reverted to my old self-harm ways.

My life had started to get back on track and on the outside I looked as if I was coping ok but little did anyone know I had an unusual way of coping. I had played piano for a few years before my mum died and I continued it quite a few years afterward. I knew she'd always liked it, but as the typical teen I was too keen on practicing. As everyone does when they learn something you make mistakes. If I made a mistake playing piano I would "punish" myself with a hard punch to the side of the head whilst shouting in my head "Why the fuck can't you do it right! DO IT!" If I couldn't understand how to do homework I would get frustrated and hitting myself or punching something would be how I released that frustration. I've lost count the number of times I've had hands that are too swollen to write with or flinching if people touch my head.

I'm 19 now and I still do it and I hate the fact that I do it but I can't find any other way of releasing my frustration efficiently. I have a black belt in kickboxing and even that won't suffice in releasing my anger. When I get frustrated about something I can feel the pressure building in my head, my fists clench and I can't think straight. It doesn't help that both my Dad and my Gran feel that they can control my life. Any choice that I make, they don't approve of it and basically tell me I'm going to fail if I do it my way. My Gran can be especially bad when she says things like "The money your parents spent on you was a waste" yeah, thanks that's really what I want to hear. The only person who knows what I do is my boyfriend. We've been together over 2 years and it's only in the past few months that he's found out and seen first-hand what I do. He's had to restrain me to stop me hurting myself. I can see he hates me doing it and I hate making him upset but I can't st op myself. It's been my way of coping for so long. Too long.

Like all the people who post about self harm I am not encouraging people to self harm. It will not solve your problems.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 28 Sept. 2008
in Ritual

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