Into the ocean....
When I was a kid I had a recurring dream that I could breathe under water. The sound of my breath was the same as when you hold your ears closed with your fingertips.
In the position of a Resurrection suspension- hanging from the gut- in a backwards bend- your breath is shallow and you cannot help but be very aware of it...
As I heard my breath I was reminded of my dreams as a child so I had Jason hold my ears closed. I swayed back and forth on my toes to the sound of my breath and let myself sink deep into the water of my dreams.....I imagined it an ocean....so I sank....into a primordial darkness, into the comforting hug and darkness of the water.
My eyes could not close completely, and the setting sun sparkling through the trees in front of me appeared to be the light dancing on the surface of the water....
When I let myself 'surface', and open my eyes, and let Jason release his hold, I looked around at the summer. The birds scurrying and bouncing along the tree line, the breeze through the trees making the sun flicker across my face.
I could see through the trees- a lady walking around in her yard and I said hi to her in my head, and for a moment I swear she paused.
I did not feel pain- I felt quiet, I felt like a child, hanging on some sort of playground jungle gym, just watching the summer, pretending I was older and doing something adult like suspending from some sort of contraption meant to take me back to a time when I felt like a child.
I asked the question that I had been waiting to ask- the one I needed this suspension to help me answer. Lately, I have felt so lost, so desperate to go , so desperate to get to somewhere that I didn't even know where- and so desperate to find that where. But my mind has not been able to connect to a self that could answer these questions or even drive me in the right direction. I have not been able to find the center of understanding that holds those intimate truths- that place that seems easier to access during a suspension.
So in that ocean- with all the voices and heartbeats resonating....in the hummm of the summer and light of the sun shining through the gently swaying trees -I asked...Where do I go? And I felt a gathering around and within me- I heard and felt all the countless vibrations gather and pull closer and humm in my ear........HERE.
When I laid back on the earth I bent my knees and held the soles of my feet and asked Jason and Dave to leave tension on the hooks- enough to keep an arch in my back. I bent my head back to face the sun and I laughed till I cried- realizing...knowing that I had been there my whole life. Right there- right here in the sun, in the hummm, in the ocean, hugged by that primordial darkness, hugged by all the voices, all the heartbeats, all the life of the world.
This suspension was far different than any other I had experienced. It was my first Resurrection suspension. I hung by my back once and several times by my knees. Each place of the body one suspends from obviously has very different sensations attached to them. While feeling the pull of the hooks on my abdomen I was overcome with euphoria and comfort. Comfort. I felt child-like and peaceful.
Normally, listening to music is almost necessary for me before and during suspension, but with this one- music was annoying and I needed the silence. I needed to only hear the sounds of the ocean within myself, the blood, the breath, and the countless network of energies and microbes that inhabit my body and make me "me".
I felt maternal, and I felt infantile. I wonder if the feeling came from the very natural feeling of the stretch to the abdomen that happens when bearing children. It is, after all, stretching the skin in the same areas (at least with my particular hook placement) that the skin is stretched when you are pregnant.
I wonder if the body is built to release certain chemicals to the brain when it feels extreme stretch in that area of the body. I imagine it would want to create a positive sensation and reaction in the body for this extreme stretching process. And perhaps this is where the peace and comfort and childlike euphoric feelings were coming from. My mind was drawn to the womb.
It demanded a focus to it. A dark and cradling rocking. And surely the mother and the child share sensations....so in this state- I was not only feeling my own paternal urges but I was remembering my mother's as well. And I was remembering my own time- there in that place of my creation.
And there in that place there is no separation. Deep within that center with no ego to convince us that we are separate- when we can only clutch to our vulnerable interdependence. So as I let myself sink further into that place- I had no choice but to strip down- out of my ego- into the center, where I am fully aware of my interdependence. And that's where all the answers sit waiting for us......that itself-- is the answer.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 11 Sept. 2008