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Piercing in Technicolor Blackout

When I am very upset or feeling very burdened with the world, I will feel like hurting myself. At first I thought this was an adolescent emotion which I was startled to have and embarrassed to talk about. After accepting this as a normal emotion and trying to deal with it other ways that didn't work, I told my husband who casually recommended surface, or play, piercings.

At first I was turned off by what I saw, because, for me, this type of piercing is not about "playing," looking pretty in needles and bows, blood, or even S&M. Piercing is about a venue through which I could satisfy this itch to hurt myself, get this pent-up emotion out, and ultimately feel better in a healthy way.

The last time I did it—literally three days ago—totally blew my mind.

I was very anxious and nervous about a letter I'd written. It hadn't been received, no one had contacted me, and nothing had come of it yet. I was totally feeling preemptively.

So when my husband when in the shower, I locked the door to my office, cleaned my desk space and forearm with alcohol, got out my needles and unhooked them from their lid in preparation, and began to pierce myself.

The first needle was just a mindless act. Then I thought "I am tougher than Sara; I can take this pain and I am tougher than Sara." At the time I was feeling weak and nervous, so making these statements helped link an emotion to an action. Surprised, I noticed that I had pierced through a vein and a little blood was gathering at the other end of my needle. Then, as I inserted the third needle, I started crying. It was all of that emotion that I was keeping as anxiety balled up coming up through my throat and out as tears. The frog in my throat—I didn't fight it because having a release felt glorious. I pierced the fourth one and just soaked it in—the release of all of this pent up emotion...

Then my husband came out of the shower, and was calling for me. In a weak voice I told brushed him off. He called again. In a as strong a voice as I could muster I told him not to wait for me.

Then the stars came.

Multicolored stars in my vision—I was nervous, it felt like I was going to pass out...

Freaking out that I might faint, I fought it—thought I was winning and thought about the locked door—and then I was started losing it. The blackness was starting to creep in. I called for my husband....

I blacked out. It was peaceful obliviousness. I remember thinking "is it the weekend?" I felt warm and comfortable, and thought "am I dreaming? I must still be in bed. Where am I?" It felt so good to be in this oblivious, neutral, painless place, but I couldn't remember how'd gotten there. This is the question that brought me back "where am I?"

I don't know how long I was out. When I finally awakened and was fully aware of what had happened I thought I might have peed on myself because my crotch was very warm, something I hadn't expected. Also, where as I felt perfectly comfortable in my office before, now I was sweating all over my body—droplets were coming down my face, over my upper lip, on my back, my scalp, and on my legs awe well. I still felt like I was in the place where I went, but I was back in reality. Relishing this feeling, my only thought was to enjoy it for a while, sitting on my office chair and gathering my strength and desire to get up.

Afterwards, I told my husband—who was lounging in bed—what had happened. He invited me to join him and just lounge. Cuddling with him in bed, I took the most peaceful nap I can remember having in years! Like sleeping in a dark cool cave protected by a half-ton mother bear while you hibernate, mixed with napping in a hammock on a beach with the shade coverage of the palm trees over you, the sweet scent of the salt and the sound of the ocean around you.

After my nap I felt mellow and relaxed, like everything was going to be okay. Surprisingly, hours later, I still felt totally chill.

While that was incredibly blissful and a huge emotional relief, I'm scared of doing it again. Has this happened to anyone else? Does it keep happening? Is this medically safe? What happened? Should I refrain from piercing myself alone? How does this experience evolve? Since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, I would be forever grateful for feedback.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 30 June 2008
in Ritual

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