Resurrect me with four wings
I am not prepared. You easily know it, when you're facing something you're not prepared to, and I had a voice repeating this in my mind. I am not prepared. When I took off my t-shirt I understood that it was too late to turn it back. I am not prepared. Like the first suspension I went through, my mind was screaming at me my lack of preparation. Am I focused enough? Calm enough? Inspired enough? Do I feel my body and trust it enough? And that crying voice keeps on repeating: No. No. No. I lay down on the bed, in this ex sanatorium, thinking that the toothpick used to mark the hook-spots was cold and tickling. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the four blue lines on my skin. The last month was stressful and emotionally hard. I am not prepared. Thoughts came to me like independent sentences, like raindrops, with no links between each other. Brenno (solidtube) and Tizio were ready to pierce me, and I was staring at the white ceiling breathing out all my not-prepared thoughts. First two hooks were about to land on my tummy. I told them to wait a second, I wasn't ready yet. I closed my eyes, repeated my sutra in my head. Breathe in, breathe out and they're placed. Not hard, I thought. Third and fourth followed. A pat on my shoulder and the voice screaming in my head telling I was not prepared enfeebled to a whisper.
The sun was coming in from the big entrance of the room while Bruno (freely express your self ) and Brenno took care of the rigging. As I said earlier, this last moth, or maybe two, were stressful and I've been down often. I was waiting for this moment when my body would lose all its weight and all my cares with it. I needed to let all the suffering and all the spiritual pain on the ground. With immense joy when the ropes started pulling me up I found what I was looking for. I needed to be healed, saved. I needed to be resurrected.
I am not prepared, this is too intense. I thought to tell everyone to bring me back down, but suddenly I understood that pain were my troubles leaving my body and my issues leaving my mind. My lack of preparation leaving my spirit. I found again that little white burning core of intense feelings I met doing my two point chest suspension. It was there in the mist, waiting for me. I told Brenno and Bruno to let me go and I was hanging from those four hooks. I heard hands clapping. I told that would keep my eyes closed, but I was fine and the last thing I heard was: "we're here if you need us". Perfection. I was in good company, but alone in the same time. That was perfection. Balanced on nothing, floating in the air.
Tic toc, seconds went by and I was bathing myself in this pool of lightness. Other can say pain, self-harm, injury, unnecessary bleeding. I say perfection. Those hooks were in the place they had to be. I was where I needed to be. While I was slowly spinning I could feel the sun kissing my skin, warming me. I hanged for few minutes I think, I didn't ask for how many, that was not important. It was the necessary time, needed to clean my spirit from all the dirt haunting it. I felt complete, at ease, relaxed, safe and calm. Once down, removing the hook was almost sad. I looked at my holes while Beppe (23 Lucky Boy)drained them clean of all the air bubbles. Blood flowed quite fast from two of them and dripped on the paper under me. I saw in it the last sorrow that was contained in my body parting from me.
I'm not speaking of pain, since I know everyone who's reading this knows that pain is involved, and knows that it is one of the most important parts of the game. Pain is what I was looking for. Not for the pleasure in itself. Pain remembers me how finite I am, how many roads I need to travel to reach perfection. Pain is knowledge. Pain is healing.
Again, twenty-four hours later my four point resurrection suspension I have to say I'm not prepared yet. I'm not prepared and I hope I'll never be. This would mean I'll never stop learning something new every time look into perfection.
Probably, issues, cares and troubles will come back to me again shortly, but if this happens I just should wait and ask if this wonderful crew can resurrect me and heal me again. Thanks guys, you're creating something beautiful. These experiences will never be forgotten.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 07 April 2008