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there are no words for a suspension, but here's my attempt

I'm going to preface my experience by saying that not only was my suspension a fantastic event by itself, but also came at an opportune moment in my life. I went through a break-up a week prior and since that happened my mind-set has really changed a lot, and this suspension, which was planned prior to this break-up, has been like a gateway into my new life.

Today, being 2 days after my suspension, I have greater clarity on the whole experience, and I just wanted to put it into words, especially since a lot of people have been asking why I would ever do this (people i know who are not into modification). I had my hooks thrown, and was being rigged up, and the person who was going to be lifting me, TJ, told me that his favorite part was the feeling you have the days following the suspension, he said you feel centered and calm.. I could not agree more. But it's not only that.

For the past six months, at least, especially over the past 2, I've been feeling more and more bipolar. I experience these manic moods where I feel like I can accomplish everything, I love everyone and everything, and I feel awesome about myself. Granted I've been through some tough experiences which by themselves did some damage, but I also go through periods of extreme lows, where I feel hopeless and lost, lacking any motivation to do anything at all. I've never been to a doctor to have anything diagnosed, but even if it can't be diagnosed as bipolar disorder, the mood swings have been torturing me, and all-in-all are very unpleasant. Even in my manic states I know that when I come down, it'll be hell.

My suspension's most useful side effect was regulating my mood. The past two days I've felt nothing but ok, and that's it. That in itself has felt awesome for me. This clarity and even-temperateness is what I've been looking to feel for months. I never expected to ever get this out of my suspension. I actually expected it to be a high, like a longer term manic state, but as it turns out, this is the best possible feeling for me to get out of it.

I think that this feeling, is the unique one for me, since of course, it's different for everyone.

I barely remember when I was actually up, I think that's because I was in a different state of mind, and when I'm back to reality, as I am now, it's hard to relate to what my mind was doing then. Once I decided that I'd had enough, they lowered me down so I could sit on the floor, and I had this feeling in my shoulders and head that I can only describe as being white. Someone asked me how I felt, I didn't want to respond with white, so the next closest thing was "lightheaded, but in a different way, like a good way," to which seth responded "It's called enlightenment," which is probably the closest thing to the truth. The more I think about it, the more I realize that suspending is basically a form of meditation, an obviously very intense form of meditation, after which you're going to feel something a least very close to enlightenment.

Suspending is the feeling of being the person that you want to be, it's purity, it's clarity, it's freedom, it's white.

I only regret not staying up longer, but since it was my first suspension, the feeling was so new it made me uncomfortable and I think I just made myself too nervous to get past it. I would do it again in a second.

Another thing I find oddly interesting about my suspension is the aftermath in relation to the physical. I did a 4 point 8 gauge suicide. My back hurts to lay on a bit, and there's still air in my back and still in my neck a bit, but the way it hurts does not feel like a skin injury or a wound, it feels like I worked out too hard, it's my muscles that are sore. This I find to be ironic, but comforting. It's just reaffirming that not just my skin, but my whole body was affected.

Also, strangely enough, I've been extra cautious as to what I eat since I did it. It's like I don't want to pollute this feeling by putting anything unnatural or violent in my body. It's actually got me thinking more about becoming vegan than ever before.

I have a million examples like this that my suspension has made me think about and change my views on, but I can't possibly explain all of them. I can say that it has made me want to be a better person, because like I said, suspending is feeling like the person you want to be, so now I'm trying to take steps to be it.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 13 March 2008
in Ritual

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