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The Suspension that Made Me Weak

Suspension Number: 9

I finally found my most challenging position. I've mastered the superman by far by going up in less than 60 seconds and staying up comfortably for almost 30. My suicides have gotten me up faster and up longer and swinging farther. My knee suspension from saturday took me 45 minutes to stay up less than 5. Why? I am afraid of being upside down for a long period of time, and the pain was excrutiating for me.

For steve's birthday I thought I would try a new position, last year on his bday I did my first superman. I figured I had mastered the art of suicide and superman so I felt it was time to move on. I was scared shitless during the entire party, chugging water and eating gummi everything. My friend tony was there with his camera to document the experience for a video.

I paced, I paniced, I smoked cigarettes, I paced, I paniced.

Then the time came for marking and hooking. The weak side in my mind wanted to say, you know what guys, lets just do a suicide. BUT, my back is healing from the suspension I did 3 weeks ago still. I stayed determined and set on the fucking knees. They took the time to mark me right because I was terrified of my knees tearing, I have quite the ass to lift off the ground. I survived the hooking with just a few bouts of shakiness and dizziness. It was interesting getting hooked with about 15 people standing in a doorway watching it.

Next was rigging time. You can hear people in the crowd asking me, you're gonna hang from those hooks? does that hurt? what makes you do it?

I felt strong and determined until the massage table came in and I had to lay down. I started to get dizzy with fear and anticipation. Steve rigged me up and gave me the go to start pulling me and handed me the chain.

I gave it a couple tugs and screamed! I had NEVER felt that kind of pain from suspension. It burned, stinged and my muscles tensed up from my knees to my back. I tried to sit with the pain for a while, but I started getting weakminded. I told myself and everyone in the room I couldn't do it. I wasn't even an inch lifted off my ass and I started crying. I felt like the weak girl from the beginning that could barely get off the ground. I felt like all the suspensions I did in the past did nothing for the strength I thought I had. Then I started to think how my family must think I was so weak, crying in front of people who though you were strong. It started getting more then just hook deep. It was deeprooted stuff that started to surface. And it was all being captured in people's camera's, my camera, the documentary. I felt like a coward. Here other people can hang from thier knees and smile and laugh and here I am laying on the table crying like a little baby.

Steve and Michelle kept reassuring me and repositioning me to make more a little more comfortable. Steve flattened my feet in his hands, michelle lubed my hooks. And it did help. Steve sat with me and coached me and I started to feel a bit more focused. He gave me some direction as to how I should pull and position. So everyone put thier hands around me and I pulled the chain. I kept pulling and pulling and lifting and slowly lifting. I started to tell myself, accept the pain, it's real. I let go of all my self defeating thoughts and went blank. I kept pulling, mindful and aware, yet quiet, pulling and lifting.

Then I felt the bed under me descend and vanish and I started to feel heavy. Everyone carrying me lowered me backward and instinctivly I stretched out my arms and found the floor. I was there. I did it. It still hurt like hell and I couldn't let go of the floor, but I was there. And it felt, INTENSE! I felt closer to the elements, gravity was working with and against me. Energy was flowing through me like a semi permiable membrane. I heard applause and cheers. Flashes were going off and the world for a solid moment went.......quiet.

Then it all came back to me, I realized I was upside down, the pain came back and I started to panic. I needed to come down and quick. Out came the blanket and slowly I was lowered. I screamed and moaned in release and I was lowered even more onto the floor. YES! YES! YES! I felt the high creeping into me and I felt like a blob of bones and euphoric energy. I could have layed there for hours in that high. I felt so happy and alive. I smiled and smoked a cigarette and took a chug of my wine on the floor. You could have told me I was on the beach and I probably would have believed you at that moment.

I may not have been the bravest, I may not have let go of that damned floor, but I did it. After I kept telling myself I couldn't. I'm probably never going to do knees again, but I'm glad I tried.

Thank you Steve and Michelle for giving me the energy, the passion and the determination to keep going.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 March 2008
in Ritual

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Artist: Steve+and+Michelle+of+313+Suspension+Team
Studio: 313+Studios
Location: Chicago%2C+IL

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