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Hello, I am 16 year old and I am a regular cutter. I have been a self harmer for nearly 4 years and see it as an escape. Also as something to just do. Sometimes I do it for fun though and experiment with different types. I vary almost everything you can in self harm. Salt and Ice, numbing creams whatever. But it's not ritual or anything. Just the thrill of blood and seeing how deep I can go is such a rush for me. I enjoy self harm experimentation and using differnt impliments to cut with such as broken glass/mirrors, stanley knives, razor blades anything really. Now this would be easy if I lived in a flat on my own. Unfortunatly I live with my parents so cannot cut to the extent I would wish too. This would be a sharp object in reach on every room and probably one constantly on my person. This may be triggering account and also i would suggest it so if you feel you would copy this then please don't read.

My parents know it, resent it. So check me every other week to look for new scars/marks. It annoys me further and a few months ago i had my first experiance of a fat cut.

Something had put me in a bad mood all day, and all i could think about was getting home and cutting. My usual cuts didn't seem to give me what I needed (the first place I usually go to cut is my right leg, this is where I went and my usual cuts never even gape more than about half a centimetre) so I pressed the blade harder and in about 5 swift hard movements the pain became a numbing pleasure that since then I have craved. Now to regular deep cutters than have long forgotten the sensation of slicing past the last layer of skin and into the fat I can tell you that it was bliss. I felt that it felt different from cutting through layers of skin.

Cutting through fat felt warmly numbing and I was instantly mesmerised by the beauty of the inside of my leg. My upper right thigh isn't fat..Well yes it is but it only took about 20 minutes for me to create another gaping cut in my leg. With no medical equipment around as I am usually a very controlled cutter I was in a bit of a situation.

The blood was so nice and dark. It practically pulsated out of my leg. I have read in some online medical journals about the main artery on the inside of our leg. Suddenly the realisation of what I was doing hit me. And slowly I began to make another cut on my calf (right leg) with the same consequences. I felt like I had impressed myself. But knew the line had been crossed.

Luckily they (I only had the courage to do 2) had stopped bleeding after about 1hour. So I just stuck some toilet tissue to the area with surgical tape. This is an experiance I will hopefully have the pleasure and courage to do again. Each scar has nearly healed now and after healing I have realised that they measure nearly an inch across (at the widest) which absolutly amazes me.

But I am trying to keep away from the extreme cutting and self harm and have realised the enjoyment of piercings. In 4 months I have gotten 8 piercings. In order: navel, madonna spot, tongue, bottom right lip, industrial scaffolding piercing, tragus (both right ear), both lobes pierced. I hope to have my eyebrow, nose, rook (ear,left) and possibly more piercings done. Not really to try and drag me away from the more extreme aspects of self harm. Just to experiance a differnt form of pain. Maybe.

I love the feeling of the needle with piercings. It is a new pleasure for me as i feel i went to far with the fat cut. Possibly. I do want to go back there to that numbing warm pain and see what the inside of my arm looks like but as i research more into placements of veins and main arteries in to body and how dangerous it is to continue experimenting with cutting to fat, I go more off the idea.

Sometimes the idea of dange excites me and I feel the urge to do it to watch the blood. But its the stories of people hitting main arteries and bleeding out in 3 minutes and stuff. Not even enough time for the ambulance to get there.

It scares me but temps me terribly. Thank you all for reading this and hopefully I shall have some pictures up of scarring up as soon. And if anyone would like to chat on MSN I believe my address is somewhere around here. Thanks.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 19 Feb. 2008
in Ritual

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