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Worth Something

I'm what is called a cutter. This was the first time my cutting turned into art. I've had a few other occasions when I had a real design in mind, but the first time it was spontaneous. 

    I started cutting when I was thirteen years old. In middle school, everyone had started being adventurous and trying dangerous things at the beginning of middle school, but I had tried to stay "good" for as long as possible. "As long as possible" ended as soon as I realized that staying "good" didn't make my life any easier. It just made me more stressed trying to be the "perfect teenager". That led me to cutting.  

     The first time, I was just curious. I'd used a paperclip, and just kept rubbing the end on my hand, the part between my thumb and forefinger. It broke the skin, and I started bleeding. I was in class, so I hid my hand in my sleeve and went to the bathroom to clean it up. I decided to make the design of a diamond, because they were rare, and precious, and I wasn't. I hated myself, and I had the lowest self esteem. I'd felt awkward and out of place all my life and that feeling hadn't gone away when I got older. Cutting made me feel like I had a secret, something that was all mine. Something no one could take from me. It was a good feeling.  

   Over the next few weeks, I kept cutting lines of my diamond. I used paperclips and safety pins. During this time, whenever I felt pressured, unhappy, or anything, I used a piece of glass to make random lines on my arm. Soon I realized how hard it was to cut my hand with a paperclip, so for a while, I gave up on it. For a few months afterwards I had a strange two-line arrow on my hand. That meant nothing.  

    I finally decided that I couldn't leave it like that any longer, so I decided to finally finish it. I took an x-acto knife and retreated to the bathroom. It was late, and everyone was asleep, but I locked the door anyway. I'd been caught with scars on my arm before, and that had gotten me in enough trouble. I didn't need to be caught in the act.  

    I drew a line with the blade, and I applied pressure. I kept going over the same line over and over until it was bleeding and wouldn't stop. I moved on to the next line, and when that seemed to be as deep as the first, I continued to go over them. I started getting that high that only comes from cutting, so I had to just sit and stop for a while. I know I sat there for at least five minutes before u realized I was bleeding on my jeans.  

     I tried to get the cuts to stop bleeding, but I'd never dug that deep before, and toilet paper sticks to the cut when it gets bloody. It was extremely difficult to pick bloody little shreds of toilet paper out of the cuts, especially when they got stuck inside. Fishing toilet paper out of a fresh cut with an x-acto knife is not the most comfortable thing to do.  

The next morning, I realized that by the time my new cuts healed, the old scars would be almost completely faded. I would have to re-cut everything so that it would scar at the same time. It was a lot easier than the first two, now that I had gotten the hang of it. 

    It was hard to hide my hand, along with the bandages. It didn't help that I didn't like to wear layers of clothes. I was very into comfort, and clothes weren't very, so I'd at most wear a tank top, jacket, and jeans. Anything else I considered overkill. I was actually caught by a number of friends, but no one tattled to some adult, so I didn't really care.  

     After the diamond, I became addicted to the rush, and went on a frenzy of random slicing with whatever was around. Making designs up as I went. Luckily, they weren't incredibly deep, because honestly they weren't the best designs. I personally didn't irritate the cuts when they were scarring, but it's been about a year, and the scars are still very prominent. I actually like it better that my scars fade away after a while, because I'm still growing, and changing. I think it's best that my past fades away to make room for my future. I don't like staying the same way for long anyhow. 

      I don't recommend doing scarifications yourself, and especially not with an x-acto knife. Things worked out fine with me, but they shouldn't be used because they "irritate the cut", and not in the good way. Get it done professionally, or at least be sanitary about it. I wasn't.

Details

submitted by: Anonymous
on: 04 May 2007
in Ritual

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Artist: Me
Studio: At+school%2C+at+home
Location: +

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