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"the Form complete is worthier far"

 So, this is my first time submitting to the site, although I've been looking around it for a while...I decided it was time to share. This is really hodgepodge, and I feel a little odd expressing all of this for the first time, but I'm counting on not being judged here. I love that. So, here it goes: the past few months' worth of hiding and thinking I'm crazy poured out to strangers. I love you all.

I suffered from anorexia, not for a long time, but severely (or so people tell me, but that's not the point). This was a terribly dark time in my life. In my depression, I started cutting when I was placed in a treatment facility. At first, I cut simply because I hated my body; I was determined to punish it. However, there were times I didn't cut to release my anger. I began doodling designs in my spare time to leave as scars – I unfortunately can't share pictures, because they don't exist, because my treatment providers prevented my cutting at all at this time. However, I was beginning to learn the difference between the feeling of wanting to self-injure and wanting to create something.

What I did cut when I could was words – that's always been my preferred design. "Beauty" on the line between the bone of my shin and the muscle. "Senseless" on my inner thigh (only later did I find out that there's a major artery there...I got lucky). "Love It" just above my knee. I had no idea what scarification was at this time, so I didn't know how to make the scars last or how unsafe self-done work is. I was always sad when the scars faded. I thought the desire to mark myself in an artistic way was just part of self harm – I didn't discover how wrong I was until later.

I've been out of treatment for a few months, and am well on my way to recovery. However, my desire to scar myself remained. When unless less strict supervision, I continued to cut myself. These weren't in fits of emotion – they were to create art. I loved the look of blood on my skin, and the art it left (that is, that my severe lack of artistic skill could provide). This is when I discovered BMEzine – searching for designs to scar myself with. Little did I know that I wasn't "twisted", like my friends described me; I found that scarification is an art, the depths of which I had no idea. Little did I know about all the other kinds of possible body modifications. I read everything I could find about proper procedures for scarification, and I'm now in love with the idea of having a skin removal procedure.

I also had no idea the extent to which body piercings could be done – now I'm lusting over the idea of two surface piercings over the place where the two small bones near the small of the back poke out... If you have no idea what I'm talking about, ignore that. If you do, I'd appreciate feedback.

I'm still discovering the depths of my desires for scarification and endless other possibilities - I'm not sure what they all are yet, but I'm sure I'll find out. Just going to put this out there: I'm really inexperienced in the area of BDSM and body modification. However, many concepts/procedures I've read and learned about have embodied unnamed, long harbored desires. Different BDSM activities – the idea of bloodplay sounds amazing. Again, I thought something was wrong with me because I got off to cutting and blood. Now, I look forward to meeting someone who can share this passion with me. It's such an intensely erotic and emotional experience in solitary, I can only imagine sharing it with another soul... But I digress.

Well, if you, dear reader, have actually read this far, I'm impressed at your ability to stand my amateurish prose more suitably called rambling. But I'm sick of hiding what I really want in life. I want to be done with being afraid of what I feel. When I think about, well, anything I've mentioned here, I begin to feel more complete. That brings me to a Walt Whitman poem, "One's-Self I Sing". It speaks to me of a union of body and creativity and desire – precisely what I crave. I can simply be grateful that I've discovered that such a community exists. While I still tend to feel on the outside, being so new here, I have a feeling that I've run across something inconceivably good. 

  "Of physiology from top to toe I sing,

Not physiognomy alone nor brain alone is worthy for the Muse, I say

    the Form complete is worthier far, 

 The Female equally with the Male I sing."

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 02 Feb. 2007
in Ritual

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