My alias is Ayame, and I'm sixteen, and am new to body modification, although being interested in it for many years. Before I begin my story, my modification history is: two ear lobe piercings, four years of regular/ritualised cutting, but no other sort of biggish modifications.
My story starts in my bedroom, a week or so ago. I'm not the newest to cutting (I have been cutting for four years now,) but I'd like to talk about my most recent cuts. These are the cuts that landed me in the hospital for stitches. I was feeling particularly upset and angry that night, and my usual calming solution is to cut. So then I automatically took the blade from out of the backside of my doll (yes, that's where I kept it!) and began splitting my skin, and feeling the almost sensual feeling of relief. Blood splashed out, except for on certain cuts which were bigger, and very fleshy. These were different from the other cuts. This time, I could see for a couple seconds, my vain underneath the layers of skin, I could see the gold I've been searching for all these years. Too excitedly, I think, I cut at my skin again in the same spot, trying to open up the vein.
I spread the blood on my lips and sucked at the blood. I started to get a bit manic on my arms, almost at thirty cuts. However, my mother decided to step into my room, and stop my little ritual. Off went I to the hospital, after about a half an hour of confusion and waiting for my mother to calm down. The wait was a bitch, literally kick-you-in-the-ass type of wait. I remember seeing some guy screaming, and he was apparently shot. The ER surgeon took my arm, and with a big needle, inserted freezing into my deepest wounds, giving me little tumours to call my own. The freezing created tumours because it takes a little while to go into my blood stream, so it just builds up under the layers of tissue-I asked him many questions to keep myself preoccupied. Here was the best part the stitches! Lifting up each fold of skin, he pierced the fold, took the needle through the other fold, and then did a neat little trick involving forceps and the needle, looping it around and through. He did this several times, 23 times on six wounds, to be exact. I did not feel a thing, because of the freezing being in-effect, but he stitched up one cut which didn't have any freezing in it, but I said I was comfortable with the bit of pain. He spent about 20 minutes prepping, and around an hour putting all the stitches in, because one, there were many, two, stitches are hard to control and grip properly, and three, because I was making him nervous, by watching.
From the moment I saw the blue plastic-like thread through my skin, I quite frankly, was aroused greatly, and have henceforth decided that one day, my big mod-project, is to sew my lips shut for a week. I've always been fascinated with lip-sewing, but seeing my skin pierced so delicately, keeps my mind from resisting. Having your skin stitched is like being reconstructed, after being broken. I'd rate it a five out of five feeling of pleasure.
Thinking about it, I feel proud when I look at the healing scars, because I know that when I'm older, THIS is what happened, THIS is how I lived my life. And hopefully when I'm older (if I live to be older,) I will again be able to look and see my scar, knowing that this is what gave me the final green light to say, "I can have this feeling, wanting to modify my body, I can do it." When I look at each of my scars, I remember what each of them represents, and why I made each cut.
So I gave up my blade temporarily (you know how parents worry and wimper,) but I'm working on a design that I will get cut into me, not as deep as my Biggie, but deep enough to last me a long time. I just hope Biggie will stay, although it is pretty hard to get around it, during times, like while working in the summer, or in places where I must wear short sleeves.
I might as well put a disclaimer: I do not condone cutting, nor do I encourage it, as it can be dangerous, and land you in the hospital or in the ground, especially if your cutting is less superficial, and more emotion-based. However, I think some people have beautiful scars, and would like to get some professionally done, myself. Almost contradictory, but that's alright.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 Jan. 2007