My resurrection suspension for my sister
A little background will help this story come together more smoothly. My sister Renea was three years older than me and although she tormented me through our childhood, she was my best friend and my "Mommy Wombat" when I needed her the most. Our father died on her 13th birthday and even more so after that we stuck together and experienced everything together. My mom stranded us both in an effort to reconcile her lost past and to avoid the monstrous commitment of 6 children, though 3 were over 18 and out of the house. The loss of identity, abandonment, and rough childhood in general wove a tight bond between me and Renea. Months before she died we tied those lose ends and experience the pain of her leaving all the while before she left. We exchanged journals and read what one another went through when we were apart. We were lucid at times, but more often induced and in those moments we felt things we had suppressed for years but undoubtedly we got to know each other better than ever. Renea said to me, "Take care of Nina for me, I want her to have a good role model, I don't want her to hate me like we hated Mom." I said, "I will, but at least stick around until she's a little older, don't put her through what we did with Dad." Renea couldn't wait and days later I got the call.
So much went wrong and I felt so helpless. I wanted to be the savior I wanted to have all the answers and be there, do everything right, but I was too hurt, I lost 21 years of my life when my sister died and I couldn't bear it. I tried to cope. I tried to be there for her 6 year old daughter Nina but it tore me apart inside. When I found my journal that I had given Renea to read I found a letter she wrote to me before she died. I felt like I had some direction. Together we died, she left my side and in that space she left a will for me to survive.
My first resurrection suspension embodied me showing my love and pain for my sister. I felt closer to her when I was hurting because I knew that's how she left us. She couldn't bear life anymore. My first resurrection I played the CD that played at Renea's funeral and honestly I felt nothing. I cried because I missed her and I remembered seeing her angry hurt expression in the casket. I felt weightless in my grief and realized I was strong enough to pull through. And I did.
I care for Nina now and it's like having my own little girl. I bought a new house to pull myself out of the lurking memory of Renea and our last days together. I am healthy and happy. Life is good.
Yesterday I suspended resurrection again and those same feelings were there. Throwing the hooks hurt more than I remembered. Adjusting the tension just pinched my sides and reminded me of what was to come. Going up slowly, for me, is more painful and I hate to stop. When all was ready and everything was even they hoisted me up while I listen to more music that reminded me of missing Renea and of what it was like as a kid to feel so alone and abandoned. I remembered feeling so much love for Renea and my Mom and wanting to show them so badly but fearing too much to open up to the chance of my heart getting trampled even more. The pain was intense, pinching and tearing feelings but a few seconds went by and I relaxed and than it was just like lying in a hammock. I was comfortable, weightless, and devoted. I felt closer to Renea as my legs and arms went numb and memories of how close we were flooded in. I cried again as I shut my eyes. Shut I was crowded by all chaos and worry; all the pain and missing, and all I try to hide. It was a relief to make myself finally get it out again and now I feel refreshed and reminded of my goal.
I am going to keep trying. I am going to make a wonderful life for her little girl, better than we ever had it. I am going to tell her everyday how much her mom loved her and how much I love her too. I am going to tell her that I think she's wonderful and beautiful and that she can do anything. I am going to tell her to follow her dreams and to never question whether she is a good person or not as long as she has love and forgiveness in her heart... and I am going to try to tell myself... all... those same... things....
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 Jan. 2007