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Masochistic Tendencies?

Most people would say that cutting is self-destructive and an act that should be frowned upon. I don't care if you believe this statement to be true or false, hopefully there's something in here for everyone. Maybe it will shed some light on the subject for the "non-believers", be something other cutters can relate to, or at least be a nice form of entertainment for all you others.

I don't think I started cutting because I was depressed or angry, I can't actually quite remember, but I know it serves a very different purpose for me today. I've never been 'sexually satisfied' thanks to very strict parents and a nervous, frigid boyfriend, so I suppose to compensate I've become a little bit of a masochist. Some would argue that being raped at a young age might also have something to do with it, but I don't really have a stance on that. Whatever the reason, I enjoy cutting as a ritual, and take it seriously.

In this I'll tell about my most recent experience.

I was actually browsing through the BME cutting gallery, and looking at all the beautiful cuts people had made for themselves. That's what triggered it. I felt that I needed to experience that again. So into the bathroom I went.

Being in an environment where this behavior isn't thought highly of, I never get to make it quite as "ritualistic" as I might like. Aside from that, I still enjoy the experiences.

I took out one of the shavers I mutilated especially for this purpose, (I don't have plain old razor blades so I have to bend the blades out from shavers) sat on the floor, and took off my pants.

I was a little hesitant to make the first cut, since I hadn't cut for a while and wasn't sure if I wanted to get back into the habit. But, of course, I did it anyways.

The first slice instantly brought that peace of mind that you commonly hear about, and as I continued a got a sort of "high". I haven't used any mind-altering drugs, so I don't know how accurate that last statement is, but I would say it's the closest I've gotten.

I kept cutting in random straight lines horizontally on my left outer thigh. There were cuts from my hip bone, all the way down to my knee.

When I finished I was stuck in a float-y, content state of mind. My mom was calling me so I (sadly) didn't get to watch much of the blood flow. I quickly patted it dry and put my pants back on; hoping blood wouldn't soak through the thin material. It didn't. No one suspected anything so I got ready and went off to bed.

When I first lay down in bed, I felt the pleasurable pangs running up my leg. Whenever I moved, I could feel what I had done. I was very happy with the feeling. It took me a little longer to get to sleep, but it was worth it. It is one of the nicest feelings I can remember.

When I woke up the next morning, my leg felt stiff. I didn't mind because of the nice feelings last night, and it was nice to have something to remind me constantly of them.

Because a fairly large area was covered, I have to watch out when getting out of the shower that my family doesn't see the scars, and I still can't wear shorter dresses or shorts. I don't hide my scars because I'm ashamed or embarrassed about them, but for my own safety. My extremely religious parents would most likely send me to a psychiatrist (or actually, a Christian counselor, because psychiatrist's knowledge doesn't come from God) and pull me out of the public school system (Because it is obviously corrupting my soul).

To age the scars a little, I have been applying a vitamin E formula. It's working quite well, the scars only swelling up when I shower. I am still waiting for them to fade a little more, before I can be completely sure they won't be spotted.

I haven't felt the urge to cut since then and I hadn't for quite a while before this incident. To me it is a very special happening, and I need to be in the right mood, have the right mindset, and have ample time to enjoy it.

I hope I never regret this, or anything else I decide to do. In my mind, it is better to regret something you do than to regret something you never did. Even then, I choose to "not be proud of" those moments, and not dwell on them and regret. So I can confidently say I will always look back on this in joy.


submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 Jan. 2007
in Ritual

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