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a secret world of my own

It's not easy growing up; it's even scarier knowing that I'm not really even there yet. At only 18 years old I somehow feel younger than I ever have. It all started at 15. I can't really say why it happened, nothing traumatic occurred in my life. In the outside world I became more popular with my friends, I was the happiest ever. Yet as soon as I got home I would hide myself away, hide behind the computer screen...and cry. Something built up in me and it had to be released somehow, and I started by crying.

This feeling grew stronger, things at home weren't too great but it was all down to me. I made things difficult for my mum, we didn't get along. All the time she didn't know how I was feeling, trapped and alone.

I had a boyfriend at the time, my first proper relationship really, and he was amazing, although I didn't see this at the time. He would tell me how beautiful I was, he was so nice to me, yet all these things made me hate him, some twisted part of my mind made me hate him. The day after I broke up with him it hit me; everything just hit me so strongly. I remember bursting into tears that night, realising how much I hurt people, yet I knew I couldn't stop it, something inside of me was making act differently. That was the first night that I cut myself, it was such a release. It took the pain away from my life; I couldn't breathe from crying so much even though I knew there wasn't a proper reason. I didn't clean my arm and I didn't clean the scissors that I used, I hadn't planned what was happening. Although my cut didn't get infected I don't advise anyone to follow what I did. I always imagined that people who cut themselves had had some huge trauma, but I had nothing like that, I just felt alone.

Going to school was difficult; I took a few days off but had to go in eventually. My best friend noticed the scars; she's amazing and has been so supportive. Taking me aside she talked to me as I cried on her.

During my depression I felt like I couldn't eat, I just wasn't hungry. I became so thin that everyone around me thought I was anorexic. I wasn't purposely starving myself; I just didn't have a large appetite. It hurt me so much when I would hear people say that if I carried on the way I was I would die. No-one wants to hear that. I would hear people talking behind my back, saying how I looked anorexic...and I never felt so alone.

I cut for 2 years and I've still never got over the depressed feeling I get. There's no reason for it, absolutely nothing, yet I cry and this feeling comes from deep down. It's hard to watch your friends hurt over something that you do. Every time I scratch my arm, even if it's not done through cutting, my friend notices and gives me a look of pain and sadness. It's hard to know that you're letting people down, the people that you care about most.

I now have a boyfriend who I love more than anything in the world, yet he is the one person who seems to not understand my depression. It hurts when you open up to someone, tell them something this painful and they throw it back at you. My boyfriend told me that there is no such thing as depression; it just means you have a weak mind, that I'm not a strong person. I don't blame him for not understanding, many people judge others who cut, and they shouldn't, it's not something you can help. My ex-boyfriend however, the one who the cutting started with, he understands. We often talk about how I'm feeling, he's one of the only people I can talk to and trust. The way in which we broke up however means that we can't be good friends. It's unfortunate that we had such a hard break up because there's times when I really feel I need him, but then I only have myself to blame.

What hurt me more than anything was the fact that my parents have never noticed that I go into these periods of depression and have never noticed the scars. I later found out that my mum also suffered from depression and once tried to commit suicide, my great uncle sadly did. Although this means my mum might understand what I'm going through, I don't feel I could talk about it with her, and it only makes me feel as though this depression will not go away.

The unusual thing is that my parents are currently going through a divorce, this is the hardest period of my life I think I've ever been through, yet this is the period where I've stopped cutting. I've become closer with my mum and my dad, I still get depressed but I can control myself now. Its funny how what might usually cause someone to cut themselves, has made me stop.

I sit here writing this story while crying. Crying about family, about how my life has gone, how you can't change the things in the past. I'm one of those people who holds onto events in the past and I guess its time that I let go. You have to forget about things that have happened in order to move on with your life. I fear that I will always live with depression, but I hope that I have left cutting behind me. I'll always have the scars to remember, to remember what I went through, the inside struggle in my own secret world.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 23 Jan. 2007
in Ritual

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Artist: myself
Studio: home
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