Suspension #2, I was cured. And I want more.
When Badur said to me, after I was dropped back to the ground, « You can even post about this on BME », I thought to myself and said out loud, "No, I think I'll be all good keeping this to myself". I also thought It would be the stupidest thing to have to share something so intimate with a group of people online, that I don't even know personally. Now, two days after I went up, I suddenly feel this incredible urge to type this out, even if it's for my own understanding of this overwhelming experience and have changed my mind entirely about posting your experience.
I decided for 4 point suicide, as I had tried it once before in a situation that seemed just a little too hardcore for me, and hadn't succeeded in getting up, although I was very close. This had frustrated me immensely. This time, I was in a very different frame of mind, my life is on track these days and I have gone beyond the fear of losing my mind which plagued me for years. So, I got to the studio feeling confident and open to whatever would happen or enter my mind. I was a titch late because of a meeting, so a little anxious that I was being disrespectful to the team, but they greeted me warmly, which dissipated my angst almost immediately.
After going for coffee with them and talking a bit, I felt that I had finally found people that I liked and trusted enough to live out this intimate ritual with their help, and I must say, I was not disappointed at all! I don't think it can ever be stressed enough how important it is to have faith in your suspenders, be able to be yourself whatever happens and "let it all out" without any worry!
The whole procedure was gentle, relaxed and the pace just right. I didn't feel rushed or pressured, as we were the only three people in the room (badur mike and I), which made it feel cosy. The hooks went in so smoothly that the pain left me with a goofy smile and a warm heart. By the time I was all rigged up, I felt a little apprehensive, but ready to face anything. The first hoist was uncomfortable to say the least, but Badur pointed out that I was the only one pulling! Some of my anger had worked its way into my ritual, as I tugged against myself, walking backwards and forwards, trying to master and overrule my pain. I got up into the air very fast, with some expert pulling from Badur, who firmly accompanied my movements with the rope, while Mike faced me and guided me through the process.
Then came the moment of revelation, my body went into shock, my breathing strained and this wave of all sorts of pains and emotions just washed right over me until I thought I would pass out. I had to be lowered a bit, and Mike's girlfriend, who had entered a little while back, was sweet enough to bring me water, which I wolfed down. The intensity of the experience made me want to scream, cry, pass out, lose my mind and give up on it all right then and there. I am so glad that Mike was there to calm me down, hold my hands and de-intensify the whole thing. Just the physical contact and the trust in him being there made me feel like I wasn't alone facing my demons, I had people willing to face them with me!
I went back up and this time, I felt euphoria and I flew. The pain was still there, but I didn't care, that was only my body aching, my soul and mind had screamed their pain, they were at peace. It's odd how the name of the team is "I was cured" because I really feel like I was, things have been done to me that I don't wish to talk about, but I've been letting them out recently and this was a big step in regaining my body. It's mine to hurt. This leaves me with ambivalent feelings because I ultimately don't want to hurt it, but I needed to. I swung and swung, the motion feeling like I was cradling myself, singing my soul a lullaby in flight of weightlessness and power. The final culminating point, I would call it orgasm of the ritual, but the term doesn't seem just right, was spinning with my legs folded and my eyes closed. It was brief, but I knew then that I was where I wanted to be, a moment of utter perfection frozen in time. I was almost disembodied, it resembled my first experience with astral projection, but more extreme and more carnal.
I am almost sad that I didn't keep on going, because I'm not sure why I stopped. A part of me was content with everything and didn't want to push it, but another part was starting to get overwhelmed again. Maybe I didn't want to grant myself the perfect pleasure once I had worked for it, I really don't know... I can't decide if I should have gone further, or if ending on a perfect note was just the right thing to do! I know there will be a next time, I must push beyond that barrier and see what's on the other side because it's haunting me now that I'm sitting at home, healing.
The crash came the night of the suspension, I slept like a baby and then suddenly woke up on the verge of tears, sore, depressed, confused and wondering what the hell I had done. It's almost like coming down from drugs, when you want only one thing, to return to that oblivious bliss you were in. Suspension is also comparable because it is a body induced way of getting into the mind, but it is, in my opinion, a much less dirty and much more constructive way of exploring. I still can't make sense of it all, but somehow, writing this has helped me get further, somehow I was cured.
submitted by: Anonymous
on: 22 Nov. 2006