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A Suicide to Remember

On what seemed to be a normal day four years ago, on October 22, 2002. I went to school and saw my friend Jimi. I was glowing that day because the day before I broke up with my boyfriend. Jimi said he had news that could top mine. His best friend Matt had killed himself; he hung himself. I was floored and shocked. Not because I knew him. I won't lie and pretend I did. I knew him only by association. I was just so shocked that someone besides me could want to die that much. He was only 15.

He saved my life. His death rippled through my being and made me realize how much I had to live for. Of course on the other hand it made suicide more real to me. I thought well if he can do it then why can't I? But in the end I decided that it was best if I lived because I couldn't imagine putting my friends and family (and possibly people who never actually met me) through all that pain. Even now I find it truly amazing how one person who I never met could change my life so drastically.

There is never a day that goes by that I don't think about him. And a few months ago I decided I wanted to hang four point suicide on his four year anniversary. The moment I thought of it I knew it was right, though morbid it may be. It felt like it had to be done. Not to memorialize him, but to remember him. After all, so many people die and they are just forgotten. But how could I possibly forget someone who by taking away there own life saved my own?

My next step in making it happen was to talk to Cere about it. Since it was months in advance I didn't really have to worry about him already having plans that day. When I explained Matt's death and my prospective suspension to him, I cried.

If I thought I cried a lot just telling him about it then I should of realized that the actual day of the suspension would bring more tears. I was hurting so badly the morning of the suspension. I didn't think I could go through with it, not because I was afraid of the actual suspension, but because my emotions we hurting so terribly. I told Cere I didn't think I could do it because I was hurting too much. He told me that I could because I was strong and that I had been waiting months to do it. But of course ultimately it was up to me. And in the end I decided I would hang.

We went over to to Brian's shop to get the keys to his apartment because that's where I was going to suspend. We got the keys then headed over to the apartment.

Cere set everything up and finally it was time. He marked up my back for the placement. And then he had me lay on the table where he put my hooks in. The two inner ones hurt way more then the two outer ones, not that any of them really hurt that much in the first place. It's always weird to think that having big needles shoved through ones body parts doesn't really hurt.
It was time, I just stood there in a daze as he tied me up to the rigging. I held back the urge to cry, after all I wasn't even off the ground yet. It all just seemed so surreal. He had me walk back and forth, which I decided I didn't like, so instead I held his hand while he pulled me up. And before I knew it I was off the ground. It was an amazingly weird feeling. And immediately I started swinging around. It was seemingly great. He took some pictures and then I wanted to give him a hug.

He came over, I grabbed him for a hug and I started to feel strange. I said I don't feel so good and I blacked out. He lowered me to the ground and I was alright. He gave me some orange juice and a glucose tablet. I sat down for a bit and recouped.

Finally I was ready to go back up again, but this time I would be pulling myself up. I pulled myself up pretty easily. I was so proud. I didn't stay up but a few minutes and then I came back down. After that I tried for awhile to get myself back up but I just couldn't.

I tried having him pull me up as well, but it seemed every time I was just about off the ground I was say I couldn't do it and be brought back down. I cried, I was hurting, not physically but emotionally. It had been a very emotional day being the anniversary of Matt's death and all. As Cere took the hooks out I cried, what seemed to be an ocean of tears.

I think I learned quite a bit about myself. Like for example don't go up when I am already overly emotional. And just let go, because if I don't let go then I won't be able to get off the ground. I think ultimately next time will be better. And as for Matt, I will still never forget him and what he has done for me.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 22 Nov. 2006
in Ritual

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Artist: Cere
Studio: Brian+Decker%27s+apartment
Location: Brooklyn%2C+NY

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