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First time cutting...

About 6-7 months ago, I was going through quite a bit of changes. Issues at work, stress with the girlfriend, bills, etc.. It all adds up to be quite a load on your mind. Well, on a whim, I tried something new. Something that I used to think was absolutely crazy!

At that job, I got home at about midnight every night. When I'd walk in, everyone would already be sleeping. So, I had nobody to vent to. On one particular night, I came home and went straight to the bathroom, where I saw a razor. After taking my usual leak upon returning home, I stayed in the bathroom with the door closed, staring at the razor. After about a minute of just staring blankly at the razor, I picked it up and made a small cut on the inner side of my left thigh. At first it hurt a little and I thought it was stupid, so I put the razor back on the back of the counter and washed my hands.

By the time I had dried my hands, I found that I was holding the razor again, with my right leg propped up on the toilet, which gave me a huge adrenaline rush. I said, "what the hell," and cut right leg, just above my knee (on the inner-side of my leg), three times. The cuts didn't hurt, and I felt like doing something creative, so I cut a circle, gave it two eyes, a nose, and a wicked smile.

With my new happy partner, I rinsed the razor in the sink and put it on the back of the counter, wiped my legs with a wet paper towel, and went to lie down for sleep.

I didn't quite feel any different until I was laying in bed about to fall asleep. It was the feeling like I just got so mad I needed to break something, and just broke something big. The best part is, I didn't have to break anything!

Since then, I have made a few different designs on my arms. On my left arm, just below the shoulder, I tried to outline the "Hazardous" symbol, but didn't do too good of a job, so I took a mirror and made a better outline and "filled it in" with a bunch of smaller cuts over the course of a week or so (to cover up the first, crappy outline).

On my right arm, about the same placing, I have drawn part of a brick wall. At the time I wanted to see if I could cut out a small piece of my own skin, but ended up making a "grating" effect, which later turned into a bigger cut, which was shaped into a brick wall. I want to see if I can get a tattoo to go over the lines, because I like how it turned out.

Just below the brick wall, I have a big W (in block-letter form). I tried to do a shadow-effect but it didn't work too well (I'm kinda new to cutting, so if anyone has any tips/techniques on how to do that, would you tell me?)

Of course I've made quite a few (actually, a lot) line cuts on my legs. I don't like to do my lower-arms because for some reason it doesn't feel the same.

I do my best to not let any of my close friends know that I do this, though. It's something that's mine, and mine only. I don't want the criticism from those who don't know what it feels like. I know, I used to think cutting was nuts! thought I would never do it! I had a lot of explaining to do when my girlfriend found how (hell, how could she NOT notice?!). She doesn't approve of it, but it's something that I do now, for myself. I guess she knows that there is nothing she can do to change my mind, so she doesn't really bother me too much about it. Although, she did make me stop making designs, so I think I'm going to move onto tattoos now. I don't have any yet, but I'm thinking of getting something on my back, on the shoulders. I don't know yet, but I want something that spans the width of my back. I will try to get a friend with a camera to take pictures for me when I get it, whatever it will be.

The endorphin rush from getting a new, fresh, tattoo will be a new experience for me, but I don't think I will stop cutting when I start getting tattoos. I don't cut every day, or even frequently. Just on those stressful days. It's the adrenalin rush I get when I see the blood after the razor makes its pass.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 07 June 2006
in Ritual

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