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Drink juice before you cut yourself

This was my forth experience with cutting. The first was when I was younger, and carved an "X" on my arm. Not because I was "edge", I actually don't know why I did it; probably to see what it felt like. My second time was when I was older and it was more aggressive. Then there were other times when I wanted to carve something into my skin so it would stay there, sometimes that looked nice instead of a harsh straight line that was more of a reminder. I was expecting this experience to be somewhat the same as the brand I have on my wrist (the top part of my wrist) from a cigarette which was more to show people that said "don't do that!" that I could if I wanted to. The brand was much more painful than this cutting, and also much more painful than I thought it would be all together. Healing was a hell of a time, although that is a different experience that I will later write about.

My experience started out with being angry after having a fight with my parents. I got into the tub and listened to music, but that wasn't really helping me calm down as much as I knew something else could, and that would be cutting. I was trying to break that bad habit, though.

I'm not a licensed hairdresser but I cut my own hair and hair for my friends sometimes so I have a kit which includes a hair razor tool. The tool naturally gets dull after a while of use so the people that sell the tool include extra blades which are actual razors.

I got the kit and took out an extra razor, then got back into the tub. I'm not sure how this works with cutting but I know that being in the tub or shower makes stretching a piercing easier because the skin gets softer from the steam.

I've never cut myself with a real razor before this time, but I knew it would glide very easily. I looked at my hands, the web part between index finger and thumb. I noticed the old faded heart that I had carved there before, but it was very faint. I wanted to re-do the heart on my left hand and carve something new on my right hand. I wanted an "old-school" diamond on the right hand but at the time I figured that I wouldn't be skilled enough to manage that with just a razor blade, so I decided a dollar sigh would do ($).

I started with the left hand since the design outline was already there and it would be the easiest. I started at the long point at the bottom of the heart and slid the razor up. It went so easy that it was hard to tell how deep I was going. This is the most blood I've seen coming from myself so it did freak me out a bit but it was nothing to be worried about.

I finished that hand fine and went on to the next hand. I started feeling a bit light headed but I just figure that was the adrenaline.

I finished up my right hand and then went back over each design a few times to make sure they were both cut to even depths. By this time my hands were pretty sore and red around the cutting. By the time I was completely done with both hands, I was definitely feeling more light headed so I had to get out of the tub to get juice.

Everything else from that moment on was fine, but I would not recommend doing something where blood loss is involved without eating or drinking something with sugar first.

My hands were hard to hide from my parents for a while. Since they were so sore, it was hard to keep pulling down my sweater over them. At night it was hard to sleep without knocking them around but it wasn't unbearable. The day after the cutting was the worst.

For keeping my hands clean, I used hydrogen peroxide right after I was finished and then used cream polysporn twice a day until they healed. It was a scary process because I am not big into cutting, but I do admire them. And there were a few times when my mom almost came in and saw what I was doing because she needed something from the washroom, but other than that I'd say it was a good experience. I like the end result and I've actually gotten quite a bit of compliments on the work I did to myself than I had expected. But if you have, or are going to decide to carve something into your skin, think about it and think about it hard because it will stay. And even though I liked my end result, I had a lot of second guessing and regretting while my hands were both healing.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 01 May 2006
in Ritual

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Artist: myself
Studio: my+bathroom
Location: Nova+Scotia

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