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Too Deep

 Me and my best friend, Kelli, have been really close for a while.  We are both bisexual and I really like her and she told me she likes me too, but she has a boyfriend right now and we got into this whole big complicated thing. All the sudden for a week I felt like she was ignoring me and I know that may not seem too bad to some people, but to me its really bad because the last time my best friend (at the time) did that to me, I lost her and she was the one person I cared about the most so that completely broke me.  So because of what happened in the past, stuff like that hits me really hard.

So when my best friend (now) ignored me again yesterday I got really mad and depressed at the same time because I couldn't stand to go through that pain again and I'm one of those people that doesn't get mad that often, but when I do I get really mad. When I'm that mad I don't usually have anything really sharp to cut with so that isn't really a problem, but this time I had a razorblade in my backpack so I went straight to the bathroom and slashed away at my wrist. After I was done I looked at my arm and realized that it was really deep but I didn't really think much of it. So I pulled my sleeve down and walked out.

One minute later my whole sleeve was completely soaked in blood and dripping everywhere so I ran back to the bathroom to look at what I had done to myself. I looked at it for fifteen minutes waiting for it to stop but it didn't. It just kept bleeding and bleeding. So then I was a little scared because I realized that I could die. So I held my hand over it and pushed down trying to make it stop but it didn't work. So I pulled my sleeve back down and walked out. I didn't know what to do. I was really worried I was going to pass out because I was starting to feel weak and I didn't want to have to go to the hospital because then my parents would find out what I've been doing to myself for the past three years.

Luckily I found my other friend, Maryanne, and she already knew that I cut and I knew she wouldn't tell anyone, so I pulled her back into the bathroom to help. She completely freaked out when she saw it because she was afraid I was going to die. So she wrapped tons of toilet paper around my arm and it took awhile, but it finally stopped. The only problem is that she was so freaked out that she told Kelli because thats who she talks to when something is bothering her (Kelli is her best friend too). I guess she didn't believe her at first though because Maryanne had to show her the puddle of blood left on the floor in the bathroom stall before it really hit her. She got really scared and started crying. Then last night I called Maryanne and she was crying too and said she was really scared because I could have died and she cares about me and so does a ton of other people. She also said that Kelli all the sudden just thinks of me as a best friend and has just been afraid to tell me because she's afraid I was going to cut myself. The reason why she said that she didn't like me as more than that was because she knew that if anything went wrong in the relationship I would cut myself and she didn't want that to happen. So I basically I can't have her just because of my cutting. I never realized that could happen and I could lose out on people just because of that. I felt really bad about it and kind of agreed with it so now after all that, I think I might need to quit for a while because even though it scared me that it was that bad, I kind of liked it. And that is exactly why I need to quit because if I don't I will probably wind up dead.

So if you cut, just be really really careful not to go too deep and if you can help it, don't cut because it seriously just gets worse and worse over time and it is really hard to quit. I have heard of some people who can control it a little bit but a lot or people (like me)lose control with it and use it to solve all of their problems when it really just can make it worse. Don't learn this all the hard way like I did. Believe me, it's not fun.

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 11 April 2006
in Ritual

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Artist: me
Studio: +
Location: school+bathroom+stall

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