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Cutting Experience

Well.

I'd be Girl # 2. Though I'm young, I've experienced a lot. Yes, actually. If you're going to be judgmental I'd ask that you don't read this, because I thought that I'd share a part of myself not for you to pick me apart but perhaps to create more open-mindedness.

I feel like I have to tell 'my story' before telling how I started cutting.. so it might be a bore to you. Anyways..

My parents [my biological mother and my stepfather] split in late January of '04. Which wasn't bad because my stepfather was mentally abusive to my family members and I, and also we needed a fresh start.

So we went to a womans shelter. Which wasn't so bad. Then, through the shelter, we discovered a town-house. Though horrid, still was a "home". So we packed up, said thanks, and went to enjoy our new life. Well, that's not how things turned out. I was moved away from my friends, and from my school. I'm not good with meeting new people, so this was a bad thing. I stopped going to school because it was the only socialization that I got, and it wasn't always pleasant.

Over the time when I was at home, I started to see my life for how it was. It was nothing. I was doing nothing. I was going to end up nothing. So I decided that if I wasn't going to be something that society accepted, I might as well be something that I accepted. I've been into body-modification for some time now, so I figured it was the way to go. I decided I didn't want anything pierced, and I wasn't allowed tattoos. So I gave up until one day when I was looking through web pages and came across a 'cutting' web site. I was horrified by what I was seeing. How could people want to do that? So after being utterly disgusting I clicked the X at the top of the page and logged off.

Later while preparing for sleep I was going through the short list of things I'd done that day. And I started thinking about life, and about how much I wanted to wake up the next morning. I didn't. So I begun crying and whatnot. Then I needed something to make me feel better, and I needed it then. I thought for about five minutes before remembering the cutting site I'd visited earlier. I was still disgusted, but open minded, I thought there must be something to it if people are doing it. So, I got a knife and went back up to my room. I rolled up my sleeve and pressed against my skin. I didn't draw blood, but it hurt for it had scratched and was now swollen. I hastily gave up, returned the knife, and fell into sleep.

A few weeks later I had gotten upset and was moping about in my room. And I saw it. The shaver. Used I might add, but still sharp. I decided it would be gross to cut with the blades still in there, so I grabbed scissors [which only scratch, as well] and with success pry the shaver apart. There I met my new best friends.

I placed the blade to my arm and felt a great rush and sensation erupt from my forearm. It was great! Since then I've been hooked. I used to cut only once, maybe twice a month. But now I'm lucky if I don't cut once a day. It's become an obsession. I can't wear shirts without long sleeves, and even in the summer I couldn't go swimming, or go with my friends much, because I feared they'd see my arms. I've dodged the questions about why I'm wearing such heavy clothing and 'do you cut?' many times, and I've told my friends.

I've got a lovely girlfriend whom I've told, but on my own free-will. She sometimes S-I's. Therefore I don't feel judged by her at all. I definitely need her in my life, as well as my blade. If it weren't for them I'd be gone.

Just about an hour ago I was using a razor to cut my hair, and I cut my finger by mistake. The amount of blood that came from such a tiny slice was amazing. I like to make art with blood as well, so I did. But I was kind of worried when it wouldn't stop bleeding. I looked for assistance and proceeded with using pressure on it, and not looking for ten minutes. This seemed to work. Now I'm writing this.. heh.

So I guess the reason I'm telling this story is to bring (more) awareness to cutting. Not everyone does it for attention. I for one am not distraught by how I cut, but I would be quite uncomfortable if anyone were to see my cuts. Not because of how I do self injure, but because they wouldn't understand. It's like therapy for me, I just feel more calm afterwards..

Any don't copy my mistakes..

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submitted by: Anonymous
on: 25 Jan. 2006
in Ritual

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